minor road-trip set-back . . . .

oh no!!

my mom has talked of inviting herself on my road-trip -- again.

O_O

no, mom, no!

the rational part of me wants to give in to her -- if only because i wouldn't mind having a bit of help in paying for travel and hotel costs and food and such. for me, these costs would hurt me in the wallet; for her, these costs would not be so bad.

not that she's rich. she's not. but she does have enough money to be comfortable.

and don't get me wrong: my momma makes for a good road-trip buddy. we've gone on a few road-trips with just the two of us a number of times before, and i've always had a great tiome. it offers us a chance to bond (as well as a chance for me to learn to exercise patience when she's being difficult :-P), and it is always fun when it is just the two of us against the world.

at the same time . . . .

nooo!!!

i'd still rather be alone. i'd rather not have to worry about anyone other than myself. this is my journey that i have to take alone.

and it just does not cross her mind that she is often one of the people i wish to escape at times.

that's what has been a major bummer about returning to my hometown after i finished school. the familial expectations i escaped years ago came back and latched themselves to my shoulders once more, as if nothing had ever changed. and i have resorted once more to being the goody-goody who began taking those expectations seriously once more.

i can't have that!

and seriously, the whole point of this trip is to be all alone and cope when i find out my bar exam results. how can i cope with my momma still within arm's length as i'm looking on the calbar website for my name?

but if i tell her "no," she will be all affronted and give me the "well, fine then!" attitude, and then start pretending that it is no big deal even while making it clear that she is offended.

**sigh**

but good golly gum-drops, it would be nice to have some help defraying the hotel costs. in fact, i've been contemplating staying at hostels, even though they can be really grody, disgusting experiences. seriously, any time you have to live in a communal situation, you can expect people to be at their most disgusting.

and yes, i speak from experience.

but my mom is already talking as if "we" are going on a trip together. i think she may have even asked for the extra time off from work already, too . . . .

**sigh**

ya'll know i love my momma. i rave about her all the time.

but this will not do!

i must try to connive her into changing her mind! i just want to be able to have free rein to engage in any kind of bar-exam freak-out that i want when the need strikes. i love doing things with my momma, don't get me wrong. but one thing i don't want to do with her at all is cope with the idea of failing -- and watching her cope with that idea, too.

i swear i usually have more confidence in myself when it comes to other things! but with something like the bar, you just cannot hang on to false hope. i just need to mentally prepare myself to be okay with failing.

but i'm also clinging to the tiny hope that in just under 17 days, i'll be able to actually post some good news on here about it.

:)

here's hopin'.