a letter to remain unsent and un-delivered

dear j. --

i am writing this letter because i was thinking about you today, and just wanted you to know that . . . .

i am pissed as hell at you.

it is almost a whole year now since we last spoke. for me, it has been a long-assed year. i wish i could tell you all about it. i know we'd have a few laughs over some of the crap in my life, and i'm also itching to know how your life is going.

i also wish i could tell you that i miss you and that i still love you very much.

the only hurdle to all of this? you being a completely stubborn fucking bitch.

i cannot believe that you would just let our friendship die the way it has. you were and are my dearest friend. i would give absolutely anything for us to be friends again. you are still always in the back of my mind. i wonder what you would think if you knew what i've been up to. it is only to you that i would confess such stuff. no one else would understand -- but you and i would have an absolute riot!

the last time i saw you was that one night, when we both ended up under the influence of, er, something or other. and we got totally fucked up on that and booze. your b.f., t., was there as well as your other good friend, w., a weird dude whom you had guilt-tripped me into going on a few dates with years ago. it was a fanfuckingtastic time -- although as you know, i'm not too crazy about t. damned cocky jocks. i always hated it when he would tag along on what otherwise should have been girls' nights out. when i came to visit you in the beehive state, it was to see you, and not you and him. he always put a damper on things, i thought, and of course, we couldn't be as candid. he was always so protective of you and jealous of other guys who wanted to hang out with you and be your friend. you told me he actually liked me and "approved" of us hanging out together. . . and that when we went out, he trusted me to look out for you as you do for me. . . .

but to tell the truth, i think he was also always pretty jealous of me, too. . . . bastard.

if our friendship had to die, i wish it hadn't died the way it had. what a really lame way for a great friendship like ours to die! but you had to take the word of h. you know h. is a damned shit-talking idiot who doesn't know anything! since then, i haven't talked to h. at all. i cut her out of my life almost immediately. i did call her up while she was vacationing with her husband and kid down in san diego, right after you said that you were hurt and angry at me. shocked, i had told you i had no fucking clue what you were talking about. then i asked h. what the fuck was going on. of course, h. played the innocent card. she said she didn't know what was going on and that she couldn't understand what j. was talking about -- why was j. so mad? and then she blamed it all on s.

ah, yes. i forgot about s. yes, he had been there that night, too. how could i have forgotten?

h. and s. . . . i used to love them to death. they were my dear friends. but now i hate even the idea of them. they've always liked talking shit and spinning elaborate webs just for the fun of seeing people clumsily knocked around. i hold them responsible for ruining my friendship with you. i have talked to neither since.

only goes to show how incestuous our little circle had gotten. you cross certain wires, and the whole circle short-circuits out, causing an implosion of relationships and irreparable harm to innocent persons.

but now, i can't help but be pissed out you, too, j. if our friendship had to eventually die, way to fucking go for letting it die in that way. i think it's fucked up because, now, it's been almost a whole year, and you won't even get off your damned high fucking horse to talk to me. i'm still aghast today as i was back when you told me that i had "hurt" you. i didn't do a fucking thing, and you still hold me responsible while still continuing to remain good friends with s., that traitorous, untrustworthy bastard, who is the real culprit here. damn it, he was my friend, too.

i haven't tried contacting you since we last spoke. and i'm not going to. actions speak louder than words, and your act of remaining silent these past 7 or 8 months tells me all i need to know.

so go ahead. take their word over mine. fine. be an asshole.

just know that, even as pissed and fed up as i continue to be with you, i still miss you and your friendship. and i know you miss me, too. you always told me i was the only girl you've ever been friends with, because other girls would just get so petty and jealous of you, and that you knew you could always trust me. it was always funny to me that you knew how gorgeous you are and that this could be a point of contention amongst other girls (and also be a pain in the ass because of all the male attention you got). and while it is true that you are very beautiful and have even caused me to begin contemplating getting a boob job so that my chest could be as awe-inspiring as yours, i also saw the beauty that you had within, too. you are a good person, and that was even more beautiful to me, especially because you didn't show that side very often, except to your kids and to me.

*sigh* all right, i'm not angry at you anymore. my emotions tend to vacillate like that. . . .

no matter what, you still can trust me. that much hasn't changed, i promise you.

and i wish you could know that you can count on me to be there for you as much as ever. if you were to call me right now and say that you needed to see me or a shoulder to cry on, i would drop everything and cross the 750 miles between here and there as fast as i could. if you were ever really my friend, you would know that this has always been true and will never change, despite these really pitiful, pathetic squabbles.

so don't get me wrong: i'm still your friend as much as ever. but you are still a fucking bitch.

anyhow, i hope you are well. i wish you all the best and hope t. and the kids are well.

your friend,

-- abbagirl

p.s. you still owe me $ 400.