dreading the bar results -- again

i am so out of it today.

i'm in a rather cloudy, befuddled state. and tired. i'm ready to go home now -- but must try to hold out for at least another hour at this point.

time is simultaneously too fast and too slow. waiting for bar results come out has taken way too long. i'm anxious about it, and my anxiety grows even more every day. at the same time, i don't want to know at all. i know i failed it. and i don't want to have to take the damned thing again. it will be another four months of unemployment and study-time, then another three or four months of waiting for those results to come out . . . . and career-wise, it just means i remain in limbo.

when i look back on it right now, i feel like i only just took the bar exam recently. just yesterday, it seems, the weather was still sunny and warm, and the brilliant warmth of the summer's day offered a great relief to the otherwise freezing, stony coldness of the bar exam room.

my summer was so short. i only really began enjoying the season that last week in july. . . .

but it's now been three months. the hour of reckoning draws ever so near.

have i wasted my time away these past three months? looking back, i feel as if i have.

here i am, in an office cube, working as rubber-stamper. i finished my bachelors, law school, and my masters degree within the span of seven continuous years. and what have i to show for it right now?

a fear of taking on a new career. and ink-stained hands.

i think i do have a fear of taking on a new career. i used to think it was just a figment of my inability to commit to any one thing for a long period of time. but now that i think about it some more, the more i see that it really is a fear of starting a damned career. getting into a career means the end of youth. the end of fun. you're in a job with the sole purpose of being in it for the long haul. that is it for the long-term -- and you can expect to still be there two, five, ten years down the line. and being in a stable job for that long means that you will soon have to be thinking about other kinds of commitments -- buying a house, buying new cars.

i can't do that. i don't think anyone should have to do that -- unless they want to or are ready to.

i don't think i'll ever be ready for that stuff. i cannot conceive of having to settle in one place for one good long chunk of time. i like being able to pick up and leave at a moment's notice. sure, i like having a central familiar home-base, the place i can return to for reassurance when the going gets tough. but at the same time, i like being carefree.

abbagirl likes dancing to the beat of her own drum. even if the beat is one of disco inferno and is out of sync with everyone else's.

and maybe that's why i dread the bar results. whether i pass or fail, the next half-year or so, at least, will be spent dancing to the beat of someone else's drum.

there's a reason why i feel this way, despite my applications to grad. school. . . .

ugh! i should snap out of this! i should feel like my whole life is wide open because of all the choices i have available to me. and i do feel this way . . . .

but i also feel trapped and claustrophobic, as if things are already set in motion; and that the paths that lay before me that feel like choices are actually illusions and that i will end up going down a predetermined route that will not necessarily leave me feeling happy nor fulfilled.

or maybe i'm just thinking too much . . . . and this flu has really fucked up my thinking . . . .