yup, that time, when i get completely bloated and even eating a single salty, crunch snack pretzel can get me totally fat. this is the worst time of the month for any girl. we get irritable, we get pains, we get tired, and the only thing that makes us sane is having quiet moments of being cramp-free after the advil finally kicks in and/or eating thick, warm, fudge brownies.
i am the first to admit that i may have weight issues. i think others would say that i am fairly slender, and on some days i would agree. but then there are days --like today, when i'm about to get on the rag -- when i feel pretty fat. and i am hard on myself when i think i'm fat. it's not that i think i'm fat fat, but it's just because i used to be really skinny. like, when i was 21, even a size 0 was a bit too big for me. now, i'm about a 0-2 -- a 2 when i'm bloated, and a 0 when i'm normal. you'd think that i'd be content with being a 0-2. sometimes i am. but sometimes i'm not. i just keep thinking to myself, "girl, you used to be a size sub-zero! you can still go back to that, if you just controlled yourself more!"
realistically, i know that i cannot go back to a size sub-zero. it's impossible. my hips have widened a bit since i was 21. so even if i get my waist to shrink, my hipbones would still be stickin' out. but that nagging self-doubter in the back of my mind doesn't listen to reason. it has a part of me continually striving to be like i used to be.
the girls i am attracted to, though, run the gamut of being slender and lithe to beautifully curvaceous. when it comes to girls in general, i certainly don't discriminate. :) what can be said for each of the girls i've really been in love with is that they have all been extremely sharp, smart girls. brainiacs are unbelievably hot to me.
why the hell am i even rambling on about this?
oh! i was thinking about why it sometimes sucks being a girl.
it's bad enough we have to put up with bad pick-up lines and being objectified and have to deal with ogling on a daily basis. we also have to put up with ever-changing cultural ideals of what a good, attractive, beautiful girl should be and, if we want to be "in the game," strive to adhere to these ideals. we are all-too-aware that, because image is everything, that we have to do what we can to ensure that the first impressions we convey are good first impressions, and we are resigned to the fact that making a good first impression is all about maintaining superficial beauty first and foremost, and character and personality be damned -- at least until later.
in the man's world, which most of the world is, a good first impression depends simultaneously on how fuckable a girl looks and whether she would also be a good team player who goes along with what the master wants.
in a woman's world, it's different; making a good first impression is all about looking prim and proper and putting a tamper down on sexuality and also about seeing whether a girl can be a good ally or not. and that's just as bad, if you ask me. like, working for a powerful woman is great if you can be her ally, but a woman in power can be jealous and territorial of the scope of her powers, so if it ever looks like you might be a threat to her power, watch out! she won't hesitate to bust out and get all war-like on your ass.
either way, whether in a man's world or in a woman's world, as a girl, i feel like i always have to play the game of meshing my personality with those of others -- like, they are the hand, and i am the glove, and i just wrap my personality around them, tentatively yet purposefully, with a few hits and misses here and there of course, until i get the glove to fit.
so to speak. :)
obviously, i am very good at it, otherwise i wouldn't be able to get along so well with so many different kinds of people. the thing is, though, that i don't do it for the sake of personal gain or to get ahead in this game of life. i'm not like that. but i do it as a way to protect myself and make sure i remain on good terms with everyone. if i get everyone to genuinely like me, they will never seek to do me harm, right?
i know -- sounds naive. but so far, it hasn't back-fired on me. at least not badly enough to get me to alter my game-plan.
and despite being anti-humanity in general, people do interest me. everyone has a story, a history, and interesting quirks and interests, so getting to know people and finding out their back-stories is definitely a great thing for me to indulge in.
but it can be a bit too much. like, sometimes i'd much rather expend my energy doing other things rather than put up facades for people, ya know?
i think it's a girl thing to always have to put up pleasant facades. but i could be wrong. still, at times like these, it just gets my goat to not only always have to be a girl with a malleable personality but also have to endure the damned "curse" every month. like, seriously. i'm a good person overall, and i do my best to do the right things every day. i can handle most things that come my way; service with a smile -- isn't that the saying? so don't get me wrong -- i can deal with the other burdens that are entailed with being a girl -- and i can also freakin' enjoy myself while i'm at it as well.
like, i can admit that i derive satisfaction from having doors opened for me and having drinks bought for me and having people make fools of themselves merely because they think i am cute and that they have a chance of scoring with me.
seriously, face it -- being a girl has its inherent, enjoyable perks.
but getting my period? it's the straw that breaks the camel's back. it's too much!
why? why?? *shaking fist at sky*
maybe women are the cursed half of humanity as the early christians thought. like, why else make them endure the same damned bleeding 84 days out of the year for most of their lives?
curses! curses!
i guess i'm not making sense at all. which is probably a good sign that i am majorly p.m.s.-ing right now.
dammit!
but whatev. thank the gods for concealer. i've temporarily erased the dark circles under my eyes and the two small zits that have popped up out of nowhere onto my chin.
pink lip gloss/plumper? check.
paula dorff make-up? check.
i've got my mask on. i can face the world and keep my womanly woes hidden, just like i've always done and as every other girl who's ever lived has had to do.
