f*cking hell

the subject of community property is (arguably) pretty straightforward.

so long as you stick to the general title presumption that all property acquired during marriage is community property and remember the ways that this presumption can be overcome -- as well as the other special presumptions and the other things like tracing methods and when to use van camp or pereira. . . .

shit, there is so much shit to try to remember!

but i looked at the sample answer provided by the calbar website, and there really is nothing sophisticated about it. in fact, it makes me feel like a moron. i scored lowest on that cp question.

but wanna know why i really hate community property?

because of the fucking moore approach.

a book i have provides this sample definition that it suggests we should recite if we should encounter a moore issue on the bar exam:

Under the Moore approach, the community acquires an interest in separate property assets if community funds are used to pay down loans against the property. The community interest is the amount of community funds paid to reduce the loan principal balance (c) plus the portion of total capital appreciation equal to the part of the original purchase price (b) paid for with community funds.

HUH? WTF --?!

and then in parenthetical reference, the book adamantly insists that we "must learn the math!" (yes, in bolded text, just like that), and it provides this explanation for how to actually put the moore approach to use:

If the house originally cost C and, at divorce, the value is V, capital appreciation is V-C.

okay. i'm with you so far.

If the community pays down the mortgage balance by amount P, the community has a right to that amount back.

good. makes total sense. still with you.

In addition, the community has an interest in the appreciation equal to (P/C x (V-C)). In all, the community interest is P + (P/C x (V-C)).

me: eyes glazed over, mouth agape, drool escaping from corner of mouth.

what the flying fuck does that mean?

damn it. i hate cp!

today's interview

shit.

so how'd the interview go?

somewhere between mediocre and good, to tell the truth. not stellar. i certainly could've done better. it was a combination of a bit of nervous energy from the coffee i'd consumed just before the interview as well as sheer exhaustion.

i'm not exactly sure whether i'll be getting a job offer . . . . and yet my instincts are telling me that i'll get the offer by early next week.

at the very least, i can say that i looked all right. especially considering the fact that i put together an outfit in about 15 minutes flat this morning. i didn't oversleep or anything; i woke up at 7 a.m. after only four hours of sleep :( and was just so sluggish. i just wanted to enjoy my coffee here at home for as long as i could before venturing out into the world outside my house. :-P

anyhow, i went all jcrew-y for the interview. here's what i wore:

trouser pants kind of like this but from way trendier urbanoutfitters and of a darker brown:

blue-striped, button-down with the top buttons left unbuttoned:

short-sleeve sweater over the button-down shirt like this one, but in a cream color with blue-green patterned argyle and a v-neck:

the two, when worn together, is supposed to look like this:

and then a velvet jacket, from last winter's jcrew line, but in peacock blue:

my sister got me a jcrew gift card for my birthday last year that i didn't use for a whole half-year! so when i finally splurged, i got this jacket when it finally went on sale over christmas. it has an amazing fit! and it was the last one in my size, too. :)

to top it off, i tied a cream-colored silk scarf that had splashes of a bronze print around my waist as a sash and wore bronze-colored pointy-toed sling-backs. as for make-up, yes, i did have to really layer on the concealer. :-P

but it was fun to actually take the time to look nice. i usually just pull on jeans, a hoodie, and sneakers. sometimes i even make the extra effort to wear a bra :-D (i'm small-boobed. so i take advantage while i still can and avoid wearing bras unless i have to). so today, i was glad to change up my daily routine a bit. getting checked out by the construction guys was nice, too. :)

my first impressions about the department and the interview:

the building looks exactly like the building i used to work in when i worked for evil boss. it was eerie, like walking backward in time into my memories. and yet the building has an overall friendlier vibe. it is not as dark or austere in the lobby.

cube space. if i worked there, i'd be sitting in a cube, kind of like in the show the office. nothing but an endless sea of never-ending cubes. the decor in the office and indeed most of the building is a dull greyish green. the bathroom i stopped of into, before heading into the interview, had faded walls that you could tell used to be of a neon green color but has now faded into a tired looking pea green. the doors of the toilet stalls, however, were a bright orange. i got a sinking feeling in my stomach looking at it all.

the first part of my interview, i had to do a writing test. i think i kicked butt. the question was an open-ended one, and i typed about a page-and-a-half, single-spaced for about twenty minutes, then lounged around (like, there was no one there watching me) for the remaining ten minutes until the office technician (equivalent to a receptionist) came over to tell me time was up.

then i waited another ten minutes for my interviewers to get ready for the interview.

my impressions of them?

they are career state workers. meaning they are no-nonsense, they clawed their way up to management level positions, and don't remember what it's like to laugh. one was an older white lady, i would say in her fifties, and she looked like she would be one of those kindly older women you see working as RNs in hospitals -- until you looked into her humorless eyes and could tell she wouldn't take no crap from anyone. but overall, she was more approachable than the other interviewer.

the other lady was asian, and i'd place her age in the thirties-forties range. she looks japanese, but when she introduced herself, her surname seemed to place her as filipina. i made a few joking remarks during the interview, and after each joke, she never laughed right away as the other white lady did but paused as if to think about it, and then she'd laugh, too.

it is because they were kinda crusty that i don't know whether i'll be offered the job. it's my impression that a personality like mine -- kinda light-hearted, full of quips -- is something they aren't used to seeing. so it could be my personality and how i got along with them would be a tip-off to them that i wouldn't fit in well at the office.

and yet at the same time, if they were as smart as i think they are, they'd offer me a job because of those very reasons: because i'm light-hearted. oh, and smart and hard-working to boot.

at the start of the interview, i was given a number of duty-statements to review as well as an org. chart for the office. after i read through each of the duty statements, i spent quite a bit of time scrutinizing the org. chart. i could discern 6 vacant positions that this particular office currently has -- 4 analyst openings, and 2 front-office/receptionist type positions.

this is a red flag for me: four openings at one time in one single office that has no more than 20 employees. it's rare. and it's never a good sign of a positive environment.

another red flag: the job bulletin that this office put up that i responded to has been posted since november/december of last year. in this bureaucratic system, no job remains open for more than 2 months unless there's just something messed up at the particular office.

a third red flag: my interviewers totally remind me of evil boss and her even more evil henchwoman. not sure how much i really want to go back into a situation as bad as that was.

i'm not trying to be ruby gloom-ish. i'm just being pragmatic. and those are just some of the aspects that are making me feel cautious at the moment.

the positives would include the fact that this job's duties are right up my alley: research regs, draft documents, talk to people, and that's about it.

oh, and one thing i am dreading is the fact that they will call evil boss because, being a stupid idiot, i left her name on my resume as one of my references. fuck. evil boss has been wanting me to come back and work for her, and i think she'll be pretty disappointed that i am seeking out a position elsewhere instead of contacting her and trying to get back into her office. if she's professional about it, she'll understand that this is the way the game is in the bureaucratic system. but if worst comes to worst, if she talks smack about me, there really is no way for me to know.

but she wouldn't do that. . . .

i think.

at the very least, she'll give me a raving reference, but then talk shit about me to her evil henchwoman sidekick.

anyway, i shouldn't be worrying about this. plus, i am so tired. i've got other things to think about besides.

time to go back to bar study. i just need to take it one day at a time. . . .

p.s. i think i'm going to fail the bar again.

empathy and chuck's belly

something that i think is so underrated in society these days is the ability to empathize.

we all get so caught up in our lives, get caught up in the stress of the here-and-now, and we often forget that we're not the only ones with crap going on in our lives.

when i think of people who aren't good at empathizing, i actually think of certain people in my immediate family who have pretty bad tempers which flare up when their immediate needs or whims aren't addressed or placated. i think, to compensate for that and make sure i never struck the fear of the devil in anyone or cause any disharmony, i came to develop at an early age a rather overly sensitive nature.

my mom is of a rather empathetic nature herself. but sometimes even she gets exasperated with me if i am too sensitive. but you know, i actually don't mind being that way for the most part, although sometimes it is more trouble than it's worth. but i'd rather be this way than be the exact opposite -- a la certain other people in my immediate family. simply put, it means that i can empathize and deflate situations before they go out of control. and it also means, in a way, i can retain control over situations and make sure no tempers explode.

as i study for the bar exam (and try to keep out of the way of certain explosive tempers within my family :-P), and with so much stuff going on in my mind, i can't help but notice and admire how common law has totally incorporated this notion of empathy into certain legal principles.

for instance, with tort law: say you're walking down a sidewalk, minding your own business, when suddenly you hear a shriek pierce the air. your eyes dart in the direction that you heard the scream come from, and you see a big fat bully standing menacingly over someone who appears to have fallen on the ground and is now cowering with arms held over her head. you rush over to the person on the ground -- even though you have no duty to rescue -- and as the bully raises a fist up in the air to punch at the woman on the ground again, you throw yourself into the melee, take a sucker-punch to the face for the woman, then you kick the bully in the 'nards.

the law says that once you come to the defense of a person against whom a battery is committed, you're entitled to "step into the shoes" of the person you're rescuing -- and you're thus also entitled to use the same amount of force that the person would be able to use in the same situation to defend herself. and if the bully then turns his attention on you, and you end up getting beat up, the law will allow you to recover against mr. bully for your injuries instead of thumbing a nose at you and saying, "too bad, so sad" for your troubles.

power of empathy.

you also see it in contract law. i'm not as good at thinking up fact-patterns for contracts, so i won't even bother. but one example is the rights of an intended beneficiary to a contract. an intended beneficiary has no rights under a contract -- because he's only a third party -- until those rights vest. and once those rights do vest, he can "step into the shoes" of the party who had made him the intended beneficiary, gaining the same rights and liabilities against the other party if the other party does not perform his end of the bargain as well as the same defenses as if he had been the original party to the contract.

again, power of empathy.

isn't that neat? seriously, this stuff can really be cool (and totally understandable) when it's broken down simply and contextually like this. :-P

anyhow, empathy is what's on my mind right now. empathy is a great tool for developing as a person and in developing a greater awareness of how people think and operate. empathy is what bridges the distance between people's minds as they seek to develop a common understanding and respect for each other. empathy is also what sometimes makes you overlook the crappy qualities in other people instead of lashing out with a bitchy snarl and instead learn to develop at least positive relationships. i think it says a lot for our very own legal system to have this very principle embedded within various doctrines within our body of law. but the catch is that it is something you have to affirmatively choose to do. empathy starts in the mind and is carried out with words and acts. it is one thing to think, in your mind, that you understand someone; it's quite another to show it.

but perhaps that is too much thinking. i should probably turn in now. i have that job interview downtown early tomorrow morning (at 10 a.m. *horrified gasp*). i might take the lightrail down so that i don't have to worry about finding a parking spot during business hours. i haven't even picked out what i'm going to wear . . . !

i have told a few of my extended family members that i had a job interview at this particular state agency. they were horrified and said that they did not think i'd like it there. apparently, this agency just has a huge attrition rate. and when i talked to my mom about it later, she says i shouldn't expect state-of-the-art technology even at the usual level that i'm used to, because this particular agency is at the bottom of the pile, when it comes to receiving state funds.

*sigh* so you can imagine how excited i am about tomorrow. :-P

but i'll still give it a shot and see what happens.

my only fear is that this agency will have lots of unsightly obese people. i don't mean chubby, pudgy, or portly -- which are all totally fine -- but obese. and unfortunately, bureaucratic institutions are just full of them -- but this one may have more than the usual allotment of obese state workers.

that's soo un-p.c. to say. good thing i'm anonymous on this blog.

when i worked as an auditor, there was this fifty-ish year old man who took an unnatural liking to me. i'll say his name is chuck. chuck was big. i'd say he was a good three or four times my weight. he had these really gross, long, disgusting nails. and his gut was just so massive, it didn't seem like he had a waist anymore.

he would make for a really great santa claus. if he weren't so weird.

chuck, despite his size, has no concept of personal space. he liked to come visit me in my cubicle and virtually press his belly into my face as he talked to me. the first few times he did this, i pointedly tried to recede away from him to create more distance. but the 'tard would just keep moving forward until the back of my chair was pressed up against my desk and i could not move backward anymore. and i'd be trapped -- in a sitting position, no less, hard up against the back of my chair -- between my desk and chuck's belly.

i am 5'5. at that time i weighed about 105. i am tiny compared to 400-pound chuck. and you can imagine how uncomfortable and powerless i would feel at those times. it's funny, yeah -- but also intimidating.

so i had to resort to new tactics whenever i saw chuck coming. i either plugged my headphones into my ears (which never really worked anyway) or i would stand up and sit on the corner of my desk as he approached and just make sure he never trapped me like that again. and whenever he stepped a bit too close to me, i'd pointedly take a step back to maintain that nice comfortable distance between us.

chuck, chuck. ugh. and his nails were really gross. the majority of them were at least half-an-inch long! eww!

and that is where my power to empathy ends. i am a person who would happily stand in your shoes and sympathize with you -- so long as you don't press your distended belly, if you've got one, into my face, don't invade my personal space, and at least take care to trim your nails.

;)

anyhow, wish me luck on my interview. i will be slathering on lots of nars concealer in the hopes of hiding the bags under my eyes. and i suppose i ought to go iron my clothes for tomorrow. . . .

signs abbagirl is stressed out and/or needs a hug

1. i'm often cold when outside -- even though it's been 65 degrees here lately.

somehow, i just lose the ability to regulate my own body heat even more than usual when i am worked up and stressed out like this. i must either bundle up with layers or hover near a heat source.

seriously, my metabolism is out of whack. i drink lots of coffee and eat lots of junk, but despite not having worked out in, like, a month, my metabolism has jumped to hyperspeed. not to be all t.m.i., but i'm actually peeing things out almost as quickly as i guzzle 'em down.

weird.

2. i look like absolute crap.

the dark circles under my eyes make me look like a ghoul.

but know what? i'm totally beyond caring.

:-P

3. even the act of smiling, whether forced or genuine, can sometimes make me feel like crying.

or maybe it's just that time of the month.

4. despite having a crappy night the other night, a hug from my grandmother made it all worthwhile.

ever since i found out i failed the july bar, i've been laying low and pretty much have stopped seeing most of my extended fam. in fact, it's been perhaps four months now since i've seen most of them, except for one of my aunts. it's not like me; like, i otherwise usually stop my grandparents' house at least a few times a month and e-mail others on a regular basis.

so my grandmother was glad to see me. and when i saw the familiar crows feet by her eyes crinkle up as she smiled affectionately and gladly at me, i could feel the emotions swelling up (see 3. above).

i love my ba ngoai. she rocks. and she's fierce! don't mess with my grandma!!

5. even when tired, i still can't fall asleep because i start thinking about failing and my pulse starts racing, and then i end up having a poor night of sleep.

this should be read in conjunction with 2. above.

6. i'm appreciating the small things.

the small things give me a much needed mental reprieve more so than usual and make me remember that i should also enjoy being alive.

for instance, i relish the nice, clean feeling i get from shaving all my important bits clean.

and on saturday, when i took the lightrail downtown to my bar review class, despite the gross lingering smell of the hobos in the train car, i appreciated the smooth ride and how it kinda put me in a contemplative, meditative, soothing trance.

and i love studying with my dog curled on my lap. she's precious. it's a beautiful thing to have pets -- but even more so when they love you, trust you, and demonstrate their utmost loyalty to you. it's truly a gift.

i'm off to get ready for bed now. tonight, i fully intend to give myself sweet, blissful release. i deserve it! i intend to crawl under the blankets, languishly fall back onto the pillows, reach over to my nightstand to grab my stuff, then drive myself crazy and satisfy my lust by. . .

doing civ. pro. flashcards.

until i fall into hopefully restful sleep.

:) g'night.

chuc mung nam moi

stevie wonder -- "superstitious"

asian people are very superstitious. while it is the american way to work hard and diligently for everything we want and let things come as they may, asians don't like leaving things up to chance. therefore, every stone will be upturned and every possible jinx safeguarded against.

especially this thursday, february 7, 2007, at the start of the new lunar year, there are important things to do and not do if you want this year, the year of the rat, to bring you lotsa good luck.

for instance, clean your house from top to bottom before new year's eve, then make sure to put all the cleaning supplies away! don't wash your hair on new year's, either, because it's believed you'll wash all your bad luck away (although i'm not sure i'm completely sold on this; if i go a single day without washing my hair, i go crazy!). wear red for especially great luck. and don't offend the spirits by talking smack, using foul language, getting into fights, or talking about death.

i'm 27. but i'm not married. that means i can still receive good luck money in those red envelopes just like all the other young kids in the fam. :oD

but the main event of the start of the new lunar year consists of praying to ancestors and making offerings. my family intends to cook or bring a whole boatload of food to my grandparents' house on thursday, and each dish will be offered up to the shrine that my grandparents maintain in a room that is completely dedicated to the ancestors. in this room are pictures and remembrances of all the people in the family who came before us and whose spirits now keep vigilance over us, the living, today. there are also pictures of buddha and a lady goddess.

generally, you are supposed to pray a couple of times a day to your ancestors, but prayers will be especially important on new year's day. and there will be the scent of incense, which i find to be the most reassuring scent in the world, wafting around.

we have to offer the food to the spirits first. because they have no physical form, they partake of the offered food by inhaling its essence. and once they've had their fill, the food's brought back to the main area, and we can all dig in. it's bad luck to eat food that's intended for the spirits before it's been offered to them. like, really bad luck.

all this may sound like irrational gibberish.

but i'm here to assert that it's not.

and i don't say that because this has been a part of my lived experience my whole life. i say it because i have huge respect for this. the way i hear it, the spirits are your life-line, and you are, in a way, theirs.

the worship of ancestors is patrilineal. when a woman marries, she stops paying tribute to the ancestors she grew up worshiping and instead must pay homage to the ancestors of her husband's family. only this past year did i realize the implications that this had on my mom. she was very close to her grandmother on her dad's side. this grandmother, my great-grandmother, was left behind when the city of saigon fell; she knew she was too old to try to escape and so she insisted that she get left behind. it was a harried, desperate time, and the decision to run to escape the communists was made rather instantaneously -- as soon as word reached the city that the communists were coming.

when my mom talks about that, about leaving her grandmother behind, i hear the sadness in her voice. they were just very close. the grandmother died within a year or two after my mom and her family escaped out of vietnam to the united states. it breaks my heart even now, because my family here was never able to see her again.

it was only last january that my grandparents and mom could return to vietnam and visit my great-grandmother at a cemetary. it was an especially poignant moment to be standing there and look upon my great-grandmother's tombstone. i remember it quite clearly: my mom started recounting stories about her relationship with her while my grandmother started setting up offerings on top of the grave -- food, incense, and fake money that we burned.

there's such a sense of continuity when it comes to ancestor worship. you never forget who comes before you. my great-grandmother was a source of consolation to my mom while my mom was growing up -- and continues to be to this very day.

in vietnam, we also visited graves of other family members -- my great-grandparents on my grandmother's side, distant aunts and uncles. i do not want to recount what we did because it feels sacrilegious to do so. suffice to say, it was a time of reunion, a time for re-establishing connections, and a way to show remembrance. that trip to vietnam changed me in so many ways that are just so inexplicable.

you know me. i'm agnostic. i'm a relativist. i'm totally secular-minded, so completely absorbed in the here-and-now rather than the sweet eternal ever-after.

nonetheless, i know that when the time comes, i'll be carrying on the traditions, too. i will remember those who came before me and make sure that they continued to be honored in life.

i've got no brothers. just two sisters. my dad is the last in his line, the last one to carry on the surname. there is some worry that, if my sisters and i never have kids, there will be no one to remember the ancestors in his line. in fact, an aunt (my dad's sister) has suggested to my mom that perhaps they should consider adopting a boy who could take on our family's name.

i think that'd be a great idea, but, um, that's not likely. *ahem* at all. like, ever.

and so you know it falls upon the responsible child -- i.e., me -- to start thinking about and planning for the future. i will not have my family be forgotten.

it's not that my sisters and cousins on my dad's side of the family don't care. i think they just don't really think about these things.

and like i say, i'm the responsible, conscientious, goody-two-shoes one. so it must be me.

not that i'm superstitious or anything. ;)

anyhow, chuc mung nam moi! happy new year!

priorities

the bar is the most important thing to me right now.

it is the portal through which new possibilities are awaiting me.

passing it may lead to a much-desired but never-before-obtainable career path.

it may bring me financial and job security.

it may allow me to be welcomed into the fold of that elite strata of society of that funky bunch of people known as attorneys.

it could change my life for the better -- or for the worse.

it is an all-encompassing goal that my life has been directed towards at for, like, ever now. it is the pivotal hurdle i have to leap over.

i should be concentrating on it to the exclusion of all else. nothing else should pass through my mind except visions of myself slowly, inexorably, yet with quietly assured confidence getting through the three-day examination and passing.

so then why am i letting myself get distracted from the task at hand?

why am i having such a hard time concentrating?

why have i spent the past two hours reading the same five pages of real property?

there are only two reasons, really, why i'm so distracted. . . . but they are two pretty big reasons:

1. because i can't stop thinking about someone i'm completely crazy about; and

2. because i need a cigarette again.

*sigh*

late-night introspection

for a while there, i had to really fight the urge to dash over to the smoke shop near my house to get cigs.

luckily, the craving only hit me during the late-night hours when this particular smoke shop is closed. i refuse to smoke anything but this one particular brand -- and that shop is the only one that carries it -- and sells it at discount to boot. :-D

but luckily, the craving has stopped.

instead, what i'm fighting against at the moment are the negative, self-sabotaging thoughts.

when i started my bar review class, i and the other folks taking the class were given a stern, arrogant talking-to by the attorney-instructor. he knew most of us were repeaters. and in that one night, he hit home for us why we were repeaters.

pretty much it all boils down to self-sabotage.

my friend waitress, j.d., has blogged about this aspect as it pertains to her. i empathize with her post a great deal, but my story, while similar to hers in many respects, is still a bit different.

my bio isn't worth going over. but suffice to say, i recognize that my challenge in conquering the bar exam has not only to do with making sure i understand the black letter law but also in having the confidence to go forward and beyond this test to the next level and actually be an attorney.

basically, that first night, the bar review instructor asked us rhetorically, "why do you want to pass the bar?"

then he paused dramatically.

"of course, your answer is 'to be an attorney!' but that's not what i mean. i mean, why do you want to be an attorney? what do you see yourself doing after you pass this bar? what are your plans?"

and that's what got me. my mind completely hit a wall. i have been so riveted on the bar exam since graduating law school. even when i chose not to take it and deferred it, i still thought about it. but i never envisioned, on a practical level, what would happen after that, were i to pass.

of course, i can see myself sitting behind a desk behind mounds of folders, looking great in these great suits i got tailor-made for myself when i visited vietnam last year (it was so cheap to do these suits -- and i look great in them! if i do say so myself ;) ). but what am i actually doing?

damned if i know.

i just never really thought that far because, short-sighted as i am, i only focused on this one singular, insurmountable barrier. do i want to be a lawyer? do i not? i don't even like most lawyers. but even this question of whether i like or don't like lawyers is a form of self-sabotage, too.

isn't it??

i think it is. . . . i think it was a way for me to accept being fine with not having become an attorney without even trying for it -- and then it became a way for me to justify failing the bar and accepting failure even before i got the results back.

this time around, my mindset's kind of changed. i am so much more relaxed than i was while studying for last july's exam. i am kind of more accepting of what will happen. if i fail it again, i may or may not take it again this summer. who knows. it helps that i have other options on the table that i am as passionate about completing. like, if i had absolutely no other career choice available, then yes, i'd keep at it. but that's not the case -- thank goodness.

every time i talk to one of my best friends from law school on the phone, she marvels at me. she marvels at how i just "troop through" stuff (that's her phrase). and i was surprised; i've always felt stigmatized and that my law school friends were always disappointed in me or talking smack about my underachieving tendencies in these recent years. so feeling somewhat embarrassed about the obviously admiring tone in her voice, i told her i didn't feel much like a "trooper" at all, having experienced so many set-backs. i told her i didn't even feel like i could hold my head up very high sometimes.

but she emphatically dismissed that, saying, "but you're still hanging in there! most people would've given up by now. i would've given up!" and she compared me and how i am today to how she used to know me when we were still in law school. "you're so much more calmer today than you were then, and more mature" -- (which is true -- i was a really young, naive, sheltered 21-year-old when i started law school) -- "there's no way i could do what you're doing. you're so much stronger now today than before, and much stronger than me."

exasperated but somewhat touched, i told her, "dude, there's no way you'd ever have gotten yourself in the same kind of situation as me. i'm totally lame!"

but good friend that she is, she wouldn't have any of it.

ugh. damned self-sabotage. i really don't know where i get that.

but i just really have this perpetual mind-set of believing that i simply don't deserve anything good, am not worthy of having good things happen to me, and even when good things do happen, i dismiss them as flukes or a result of lucky happenstance.

and i see that happening in relationships, too. and maybe that's why they all tend to go bad. . . . now don't get me wrong. i'm a girl who stands alone. i like being unattached, single, and having absolutely no obligations.

generally speaking, anyway.

that, of course, changes when i meet someone who rocks my world.

and then what tends to happen is just that i end up caring a bit too much and make the relationship all about pleasing the other person to the point of self-sacrifice. and i don't do it on purpose. i think i get it from my mom; we both love pretty rarely, but when we do, it is all in, and it's intense. nothing is too much to do for our loved ones. blood, organ, life, limb -- if you want it, need it, you don't have to ask twice; you got it. and the rest of the world can go to hell, but if you mess with someone we love, you better be prepared to go to hell, too.

but the idea behind it is that, somehow, you're not worthy of the love of someone else. and so the more you undertake physical actions that show what you'd do for another, what you'd give up, the more you show the other person that you are indeed worthy of being loved.

and i dunno. i used to think it was great to be that way. with everyone i love, it's all about loyalty and passion -- and showing that while it's one thing to say something, it's quite another to do it and prove it. actions speak louder than words, after all.

yet sooner or later, you do wonder what the hell you're doing and why you give up so much of yourself yet still believe that you aren't even worthy of the same in return.

and i'm thinking, now, that this is just another symptom of the self-sabotage, i'm-not-worthy-of-anything-good sentiment.

and i certainly don't think it's a condition unique to me. girls and women around the world suffer this to a certain extent. we're always taught to make our own needs and wishes subservient to those around us, particularly to male authority. but i think my tendency to do this has been exacerbated by the damned filial piety ideal that is embedded within confucianism and its practice. it really teaches young kids to be subservient to the will of parents, of elders, of older brothers and sisters, and to respected men. i respect confucianism for creating social order and the practice of venerating the wise and the elders.

but it sure can have screwy effects.

:-P

i think i do have a point as i rattle off these thoughts going on in my head tonight.

my point is maybe i am worthy of more than i give myself credit for.

maybe i deserve to pass the bar.

maybe i deserve to move on with my life if i don't pass.

and maybe i deserve the good things that happen to me as much as i deserve the bad things.

*sigh*

*shrug*

in any case, i do believe that there is indeed at least one important question all of us repeat bar examinees should ask ourselves if we find ourselves struggling with the insurmountable challenges that passing the bar exam poses.

and the question is not "how much have you studied?" nor "how many practice exams have you taken thus far?"

the question is, "why do you want to pass?"

my bar review instructor asserts that if you can't answer that question, just like i couldn't answer that question, then maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't be lawyers and should stop wasting our time, money, and effort. we should opt for a new career instead.

when he said that, i was chagrined and ashamed. he wasn't speaking to me directly, but i still sure as hell felt that he was.

so it's time to start thinking about whether we want it -- and if so, how much -- and where we envision ourselves and what our plans are.

why do we want to pass?

testing, testing . . . .

i am making a shy foray back onto blogger. it's been a good long month or so since my last post and my decision to temporarily/permanently stop blogging on here.

it was hard to stop. there were many things that happened, many ideas that occurred to me right after i put up that last post, things that i could not blog about except only as abbagirl. but i still could not bring myself to blog about them until or unless i discovered what the purpose of this blog should be.

i'm still in the midst of sorting it all out. . . .

in the meantime, with only one month until the bar exam, i only have one thing to say:

i need a fucking cigarette!!

;-P

i hate being a repeat bar exam taker so much. especially in my state, all the odds are stacked against you. traditionally, february bar exams have a pass rate that is about 10 to 15% less than the july exams -- and the pass rate is perhaps even half that for february repeat examinees.

it's hard not to have a heavy heart about these odds.

which is why i could use a damned cigarette right now. as of tomorrow, i will have gone 12 weeks without. that streak is currently in a tenuous state; i probably will not be able to hold out much longer. . . .

:-P

time to do a few practice essays. . . . hope everything is well with everyone!!