decisions, decisions

choices

1. continue working as a temp

pros

the people are okay, except for a few who tend to get on my nerves.

i get to work autonomously and don't really answer to anyone.

a lot of cute eye-candy tend to stop by the office to ask me for assistance.

the head of the operations has taken an interest in my legal career and, if i play my cards right, i think he can groom me to ultimately join the legal department there, which he seems interested in doing.

the job is easy.

cons

the job isn't very challenging, and most of the time, i'm either blogging or half-heartedly going through the motions.

the people i can't stand? i really can't stand them.

i get paid shit.

no guarantee that the head of my office will or can help me. just a hunch.

2. nag my undergraduate alma mater about that teaching job.

pros

i get a taste of teaching to see if i like it and am capable of doing it.

i get to share my love for reading and writing

i'd be teaching college students, e.g., adults.

i can go back to an academic environment.

i can move back to the beehive state.

cons

i get paid shit.

i'd be teaching intro-to-writing type courses in which, worst-case scenario, i'd have to read a lot of haphazard, effortless shit writing.

i'd be back in the beehive state.

3. anticipating having failed the bar, don't do anything, stay at my current job, leave in november, and immediately start studying again for the february bar exam without taking up another job.

pros

i persistently pursue the bar exam and learn the importance of not taking no for an answer.

i hate working and will have plenty of free time to do my own thing while balancing that with bar study.

i can spend the whole day with my cute lil' dog, who sometimes helps me study.

cons

i'm poor as it is and may have to sink into even more debt just to fucking study.

i'd have to study again and begin battling premature greyness.

4. anticipating having failed the bar, wait another half-year to take the july bar exam and, in the meantime, go back into state service to start building up my savings again.

pros

go back to a sturdy $ 4500/month salary and life is fine because i can go back to going out with friends, having splendid twenty-something girlish fun, and not have to worry about making payments on any of my bills.

i can continue to learn more about the intricacies of california's bureaucracies at a whole other department and appreciate just how much the state government really does keep the whole state going.

i'd get all my benefits back -- delta dental, vision service plan, and my ol' kaiser healthcare plan. i haven't had any coverage for any of these things at all for the past six months or so. it freaks my mom out.

cons

window-less cubicle life. 'nuff said.

return to the terrible, horrible, very bad commute to downtown.

i'd go back to taking orders from idiots and bitch and moan about my lame bosses to my mom until it drives her completely mad.

5. screw the bar exam results, chill with this temp job until january or february of next year, when the office begins searching for a permanent employee for my position, let the temp agency find me another job, and just hang out wherever they place me until grad. school starts -- assuming i even get in anywhere.

pros

i don't have any responsibilities, can lay low, and relax, and let the anticipation build about a return to an academic life.

i can start writing the next great american novel.

cons

it's against my nature to be lazy, unmotivated, and spend so much time getting by. grad. school is still a whole year away. i've already wasted the past couple of years of my life.

i continue to get paid shit.

decisions.

either way, every now and then, i start to feel like this little boy:

-----------------------------------

i love stevie nicks. here she is with her girls sharon and lori doing a live version of "leather and lace."

ghost in the machine

i've always been a fairly rational girl, more mature for my age than most of my peers at any age i've been thus far.

i have a fair idea, in my mind, what constitutes Right and Wrong, although i don't belong to any organized religion. unlike most people, i adhere to these principles pretty easily. i treat people fairly and expect absolutely nothing from them other than to treat me decently and politely in turn. because of my lack of religious belief, when people sneeze, i don't say, "gesundheit" or "bless you." at the same time, i'm usually the one who holds doors open for others, and i say "thank you" every time i feel that a kindness has been bestowed on me.

truth be told, i usually prefer the company of a good book more than anything else. i do things in moderation, usually only with people i trust, or i don't do them at all. to believe something, i must see it with my own eyes and be able to contemplate it at my own leisure. i sometimes jump to conclusions, but only with the caveat that i may some time in the future change my mind.

although i like to do things spontaneously or off the cuff, especially if i feel that i need time alone, i'm not a capricious person. nor am i malicious. even if i find myself wanting to hurt someone with words or with acts, i rarely ever act upon those impulses because of my fear of doing something irreparably harmful. i care about other people's feelings, perhaps a bit too much, and this often causes me to back down from a hard-line stance as an attempt to placate. i have a tendency to avoid conflicts and defer to a stronger personality. but i can do so without qualms because i have a very mild manner. i laugh easily and am always quick with a short quip. because i smile and laugh easily, it will often take three or four serious shoves at me before i finally react in bad temper.

all in all, i'm just a level-headed, smart girl who keeps primarily to herself and doesn't ask anything of anyone else.

but now i'm feeling irked. i feel like a fool.

there was a ghost in the machine, and it had me convinced that it was real.

but it's not real. it's a projection of what i've always desired, both consciously and unconsciously. it made itself seem like it was everything that it really is not. in fact, by the very nature of its being, it's not there. it's a ghost, for crying out loud. it's unreal. an illusion.

what did i do wrong . . . .

i didn't do anything that i don't otherwise do, i don't think. i am as i am. i approach all things similarly -- cautiously at first, then with more ease and familiarity. i knew that this was just a ghost in the machine from the start. and even when it threatened and boasted of becoming more than that, instead of keeping a knowing eye on it, i believed more quickly than i otherwise would've and should've done. . . .

and i am a fool. big time.

i, a girl who doesn't ask anything of anyone and who always prefers to keep to herself with a good book in hand, ended up reaching my hand out to the ghost in the machine and asked it to be real.

that's too much to ask of a ghost, even as it pleads to assure me that it's more real than it seems.

but i know now. it's not real. i've been chasing a ghost through the darkness in the hopes of finding light. i know now that it was a false illusion.

the sad part is that i must now back-track and try to find my way back to where i was before . . . then try to move on from there.