decisions, decisions

choices

1. continue working as a temp

pros

the people are okay, except for a few who tend to get on my nerves.

i get to work autonomously and don't really answer to anyone.

a lot of cute eye-candy tend to stop by the office to ask me for assistance.

the head of the operations has taken an interest in my legal career and, if i play my cards right, i think he can groom me to ultimately join the legal department there, which he seems interested in doing.

the job is easy.

cons

the job isn't very challenging, and most of the time, i'm either blogging or half-heartedly going through the motions.

the people i can't stand? i really can't stand them.

i get paid shit.

no guarantee that the head of my office will or can help me. just a hunch.

2. nag my undergraduate alma mater about that teaching job.

pros

i get a taste of teaching to see if i like it and am capable of doing it.

i get to share my love for reading and writing

i'd be teaching college students, e.g., adults.

i can go back to an academic environment.

i can move back to the beehive state.

cons

i get paid shit.

i'd be teaching intro-to-writing type courses in which, worst-case scenario, i'd have to read a lot of haphazard, effortless shit writing.

i'd be back in the beehive state.

3. anticipating having failed the bar, don't do anything, stay at my current job, leave in november, and immediately start studying again for the february bar exam without taking up another job.

pros

i persistently pursue the bar exam and learn the importance of not taking no for an answer.

i hate working and will have plenty of free time to do my own thing while balancing that with bar study.

i can spend the whole day with my cute lil' dog, who sometimes helps me study.

cons

i'm poor as it is and may have to sink into even more debt just to fucking study.

i'd have to study again and begin battling premature greyness.

4. anticipating having failed the bar, wait another half-year to take the july bar exam and, in the meantime, go back into state service to start building up my savings again.

pros

go back to a sturdy $ 4500/month salary and life is fine because i can go back to going out with friends, having splendid twenty-something girlish fun, and not have to worry about making payments on any of my bills.

i can continue to learn more about the intricacies of california's bureaucracies at a whole other department and appreciate just how much the state government really does keep the whole state going.

i'd get all my benefits back -- delta dental, vision service plan, and my ol' kaiser healthcare plan. i haven't had any coverage for any of these things at all for the past six months or so. it freaks my mom out.

cons

window-less cubicle life. 'nuff said.

return to the terrible, horrible, very bad commute to downtown.

i'd go back to taking orders from idiots and bitch and moan about my lame bosses to my mom until it drives her completely mad.

5. screw the bar exam results, chill with this temp job until january or february of next year, when the office begins searching for a permanent employee for my position, let the temp agency find me another job, and just hang out wherever they place me until grad. school starts -- assuming i even get in anywhere.

pros

i don't have any responsibilities, can lay low, and relax, and let the anticipation build about a return to an academic life.

i can start writing the next great american novel.

cons

it's against my nature to be lazy, unmotivated, and spend so much time getting by. grad. school is still a whole year away. i've already wasted the past couple of years of my life.

i continue to get paid shit.

decisions.

either way, every now and then, i start to feel like this little boy:

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i love stevie nicks. here she is with her girls sharon and lori doing a live version of "leather and lace."

the road not taken

The Road Not Taken (1920)
by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

----------------------------

i was just thinking today -- and i really have too much time to think, i think -- about how much easier my life would be if i were straight.

it really would be the easiest route to go.

i'm really the most ideal girl a guy could ever want to have. and when i did try to be straight and in relationships, i could see just how perfect i would be as my then-boyfriend's girlfriend and potentially wife.

i'd be a spectacular little het'ro wife.

it would take a lot to convince me to have children, though. in my mind, the idea of a living organism growing inside my body cavity, then kicking my innards out, like that one scene in the movie alien when a little monster starts coming out of that guy's body, freaks me out. and then the painful process of child-birth . . . .

hell no! i'm a chicken-shit.

i'm also not very convinced i'd make a great mother. either i'd be a terribly crummy push-over of a mother or i'd be too stern and disdainful. most kids under the age of 16 don't like me much anyway. i have a 2-year-old nephew. the cutest little rug-rat in the world. he looks exactly like his mom. cute! but he's not very comfortable with me -- and the most he'll do is stare at me. there is no judgment or opinion writ on his face; he just stares..

i actually get that quite a bit with kids under the age of 5.

still, every now and then, i think about what "should" or "could" have been. i think about the one boy whom, if i had been straight, would have been perfect for me. we were friends first and foremost. i don't think either of us, at first, thought of each other as our respective types. but a close friendship built quickly. he understood me and could read me. we would watch football or the world series poker event on t.v. and actually have an on-going, interested conversation about what we were watching. we would talk about his two prior marriages (yes, the bastard had been married -- and divorced -- twice before the age of 26), his kids (4 at last count), and how fucking fertile he seemed to be. we talked about history, politics, and how much of a redneck he was (he admitted it wholeheartedly). and he didn't mind me asking all the questions about the religion he renounced -- mormonism -- and how his experience going on a mission during his youth changed his life forever.

and he was always so fucking wicked. so devilish. it made for some really great times. :)

in terms of physical appearance, he was a jock. and as a rule, ever since high school, i've always disdained jocks. they're assholes. and i'm a nerd. nerds and jock assholes do not mix. but he surprised me. yes, he was a jock -- but a charming one who had a nice easy smile and wicked blue eyes and white blond hair. he's thickly built, all muscle, but lazy -- the type of guy who could kick serious ass if crossed, but without really trying or wanting to exert himself.

me? i was a rather scrawny girl when we met. it took me a while to stop being so self-conscious about how small my boobs were in his hands. he rather enjoyed this about me, though -- because i still had a temper and attitude. to him, i made for an incongruous little package. i've always had a problem with guys who thought the best way to control my attitude and tongue was by physically subduing me, as if my physically overpowering and controlling me, they could also control my personality. not him. he always made fun of me for being so slight, but he never took advantage. unless i wanted him to.

so i was thinking about him today. he e-mailed me out of the blue a few days ago to say hi. it surprised me to see his e-mail because i had kind of left him on bad terms and have felt badly about it ever since. it's been at least a few years now . . . . just the sight of his name in my inbox brought a fond smile immediately to my face. and my mouth wanted to move to say his name.

but my thoughts about him and all these what-ifs that have popped into my mind are certainly not being seriously entertained by me.

i just have so many great memories involving him. we really had quite a few good times together. and when things got rough for him on a personal level, he shunned the company of everyone else he knew -- family, friends -- but i was the only one he wanted to see. and we would go out, get shit-faced, smoke all the cigarettes we had between us, then go back to his place, start making out like crazy (he was a fantastic kisser, i'll give him that), then fuck.

that whole time, i never actually stayed a whole night with him.

to me, that is the road i have chosen not to take. and i don't mean just in regards to him but to the opportunity to live a nice, normal het'ro life.

and i am so fucking great at being the perfect girl. maybe that's what my trouble is, in relationships and in general. it is just so easy for me to mold my personality to suit any given person, and it would be that easy for me to find "happiness" with someone just by doing that.

but that is why i'm so jaded about relationships and don't really want one. because i'm not convinced i can truly be myself without sacrificing a good chunk of my personality for the sake of the other's happiness.

it's machiavellian. it really is. one of the most interesting quotes from niccolo machiavelli's the prince:

men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel. everyone sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are.

can i seriously and realistically see myself settling down with a guy, even a guy i did love in my way like him? a resounding no. i was just thinking it would be just so easy. sure, i'd be a step-mom to four kids -- and the evil enemy of his ex-wives, two, solidly built (i.e., heavy-set) mormon white girls.

but it would be easy.

all i know is that i've been privileged to know quite a few amazing guys, and he is one of them.

now, i'm smiling. the more i think about it, no, what ridiculous musings. i could never be happy trying to be straight. i don't regret how i've lived my life at all until i came out, and i wouldn't trade my life now for anything. i've met so many fantastic girls -- many of whom have had the same difficult journeys and a few of whom who had a better, different form of luck. but in the end, we're all the same, whether we're men or women, gay or straight, or somewhere in-between.

two roads diverged in a wood, and i— i took the one less traveled by . . . .

and that has made all the difference.