i'm truly in limbo. and while i was, before, ecstatic about how things have been unfolding for me, i'm starting to get really antsy and a bit angst-ridden.
for one, i'm really frustrated by the fact that i haven't even started fucking work yet.
it has been, this past week or so, totally out of my hands. i've gotten all my prerequisites done, and it's just up to my new employer to get on the ball and get my paperwork in order.
but as far as i can tell, they haven't even done crap yet.
the reason why i'm all angst-ridden about not having been able to even start work yet is because my student loans get off deferment at the end of this month. i'd thought that they wouldn't go off deferment until at least mid-may. . . . but i got a notice in the mail today that said i should expect to start paying again before the end of this month. . . .
so i'm starting to get really worried about that.
i also have no idea what i'm going to do about grad school. i've only gotten into one school thus far -- and it isn't even among my top choices. i still haven't heard back from one more school, but assuming the worst, if i don't get into that other school, either, then i just have no idea what the hell i'm going to do. should i just go ahead and start school in the fall? or try again at my top preferred schools next year?
the thing is that i really do fear that i'll have even less of a chance of getting into the programs i want next year -- and a part of me feels that i should just go ahead and seize the chance right now while i can. i've been hearing that it's just getting harder for people to get into graduate programs anymore. i have a friend who states that all her other friends who've tried to get into mfa programs have gotten nothing but rejections as well.
the desire to go ahead and get my phd this fall is conflicting very much with my desire to not let my new employer down. i know i'd suck ass if i only worked there for a few months (i guess i only have about four or five months now, at this point) and then just took off in mid-august. i'd feel like a big ol' jerk. i'm thinking i should tell them all about the choices i'm facing so that they're prepared. but i don't know . . . .
ugh. i love having choices and stuff, i really do! but it's just making the final decision that's so damned hard. . . . and i just don't want to let anyone down.
and speaking of, my mom's in the picture, too. believe you me, she's made quite clear what she wants me to be doing this next year or so:
it would be the most common sense thing to do. so why am i so reluctant to go ahead and take that path? why am i dragging my heels on deciding to go ahead and just fucking work?
maybe this is just the fates forcing me to do something that i've always had a really hard time doing -- which is decide to do what i want for a change instead of doing what others expect or want me to do.
oy. i dunno.
and there are just other things going on that have made me think about just how too competitive i am.
being competitive is, of course, a great quality to have -- most of the time. to be competitive means that you demand the best from yourself and you don't want to settle for anything less than the best.
but it can cause you to bring out the worst in yourself -- and can also make you fail to understand that, in certain situations, you should just know when to stop and let things go.
i feel that way not just about the bar exam -- but other things, too..
i think the more i strive for the unattainable, the more hurt i end up getting. but the more i fail, the more i want it -- and i'll try to harness all my efforts in continuing to try to get it, even if common sense tells me to stop.
what i want is the ability to recognize when i should stop -- and when i should keep going. i want to know what is realistically attainable -- and what is not. i don't want to be wasting my time pursuing the impossible and just want to make the right decisions without fearing that i'll only have my heart broken in the end . . . .
know what i mean?
so . . . um . . . can someone tell me what to do?
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