bending the straight and narrow path

i know mondays are usually a bummer – at least, they are for me.

but today i feel really *knock on wood* great! here's hoping this bodes well for the remainder of my day. . . .

i got out of bed reluctantly at 6:20 , after about twenty minutes of just laying around. i puttered around for a while, ironed my clothes for the day, made my coffee and got on the road a few minutes earlier than usual at 6:55.

aren't i amazing? i can lazily get out of bed, putter around, iron my clothes, and still get my ass ready and out the door in about 35 minutes flat.

:)

i tend to get to work rather early. i haven’t been approved to start earlier than 8, and so i just hang out in my car, put on my make-up, and patiently sip my coffee until it’s time to head into the office. and i have to say my make-up looks great today! seriously, i love my make-up. paula dorf, everyone! she's got the most amazing stuff!

the weekend was really great for me. i got caught up on lots of rest and slept in on both saturday and sunday. yesterday, we made plans to eat at a buffet at one of the local casinos for dinner. i starved myself the whole day, then ate a shitload of food after we got there, and finally got home looking like i was three-months pregnant.

and then i woke up this morning in dire need of peeing, and now my gut is mostly gone.

i’m such a glutton like that. when i’m on top of things, health-wise, i try to watch what i eat and watch my portions. if i don’t, i turn into a hungry maniac and will eat everything in sight. if i’m working out, my metabolism will be high and will kick in to turn everything i consume into energy – if not, then i remain looking like i’m three months’ pregnant for, i dunno, a week.

so long as i can still fit into my pants, though, i don’t care. :-P

as far as short-term future plans go, i’m starting to fret.

you know how i’ve kept blogging about the importance of creating different choices for oneself so that you don’t feel boxed into a single situation and thus feel down when your single situation doesn’t seem to be working out, i.e., failing the bar and not being able to be a “real” attorney?

yeah, i might be reconsidering that now.

:-T

i went ahead and made sure i created at least one alternative choice for myself. i’ve got this great job that could work out as a longer-term career for me, i’ve got the bar exam on the back burner and am waiting for that to boil over, and i got accepted into a grad program that i’m really interested in checking out and that gives me the opportunity to continue my studies in a field that i feel is totally my niche, my calling.

good, right? all is going according to plan? i can have my pick of what i want to do!

i'm excited, yeah.

but i’m feeling rather torn, too.

i didn’t anticipate that my loyalty to my new bosses would kick in so quickly and so strongly. they are great! especially my immediate boss. she rocks in more way than one.

so that makes things really difficult. i don’t want to let any of them down. especially after my boss conveyed to me that she’s frightened that i will leave.

*sigh* what’s a girl to do??

and decision-making time is coming much more quickly than i had originally anticipated, too. i need to make a firm decision by july. . . .

i tend to do stuff like this all the time. i put myself into situations in which i will ultimately have to make a hard decision. i hate it! i need to stop doing that! why can’t i just be content to leave things be?

seriously, i'm always pulling crap like this. always making things harder than they need to be.

:-P

and that goes for being a queer girl as opposed to a straight girl, too. i seriously am wondering why the hell it has to be this way. it really would be easier if i were straight. when i was straight and dating, i always knew where i stood with the guy who i was seeing. each of those relationships came about because i was friends with the guy first, and there was always this fun, friendly, flirtatious bantering that underlay everything before we ended up getting a bit serious. and with each of them (i’ve only had a few boyfriends during my time, not very many), i was the one who always “ruined” things. when push came to shove, and they wanted more of a commitment, i just could never do it and made myself unavailable as much as i could – emotionally and also as far as my time went. it just got WAY too much for me. and i always used to joke with my friends that guys were just so co-dependent and could be as emotional, clingy, and whiny as any girl.

:-T

back then, when i found myself shying and squirming away from the boys, i always figured that it was all my fault -- that i wasn't relationship material -- that i was just one of those girls who was meant to be one of those funny, doddering spinsters, like miss marple.

and then, thanks to this one girl, i realized that this was not the case. ;) she's the one who caused me to jump helplessly from the straight and narrow path onto a terrain that was rockier and bumpier and yet one that i nonetheless found myself traversing quite naturally.

it’s funny. but whenever i was a little girl, whenever i thought about the future and what i planned to do in it, i never envisaged myself has being a part of a team, so to speak. that is, there was just only ME in the picture – no husband, no kids. just my family, namely my mom, and me.

of course, i’ve gotten to that age where it would be NICE to be able to share at least a good chunk of the future with a s.o. but if that would not turn out to be the case, i wouldn’t be devastated, per se. i was raised to be autonomous, independent, and to rely on no one but myself. my mom was quite explicit in saying that she didn’t want any of her kids to have to rely on men for our living and existence. and i’m just a product of that.

do i wish things were different?

sometimes. sometimes i do wish i could’ve had as close to a “normal” life as possible and chosen “normal” paths to get there.

other times, i’m glad for how things are , how i am. sure, i’m not living the sort of life or lifestyle that will win me many friends and admirers, and sure, sometimes standing alone can get lonely.

but that’s just how i am.

now that i think about it, perhaps not being straight is pretty compatible with how i was raised and how i turned out. i think i do stand alone in most possible ways, so being bent, not straight, is just one more layer of crust on the pie. . . .

but the reason i'm thinking about this is because i think it explains why i really am beside myself, now that i've fallen for someone and really don't know what to do. i wish i knew how much is okay to feel, think, and do -- and how much is overkill.

it's such a bummer, trying to stay on the straight and narrow path. and much harder than it sounds.

:-T