grass is always greener . . . .

it was such a great day today! what a way to end the weekend!

it was so warm today that, for the first time this year, i felt comfortable going out in just a tee and leaving my sweater/jacket at home. and the sight of my own naked arms as they gleamed under the light and warmth of the sun was quite astounding to me -- i had to do a double-take. i can't believe how white my skin has gotten!

i'm used to being able to treat myself to at least a few good tanning sessions during the winter -- but of course, many sacrifices had to be made this past winter so that i can actually pay my bills, and unfortunately, regular visits to the tanning salon was one of them. so yes, my skin tone has suffered much.

such a pity. . . ! *sigh*

but i'm happy spring's here -- i can virtually smell summer coming, right around the corner! and i can't wait -- summer is always the time of year when i feel myself coming alive. i revel in the sun, the heat, the sweat, and the ability to wear less clothes. and there are always so many fun things to do. best time of the year!!!

this week i've got two interviews lined up. tomorrow (monday) is the interview for the limited-term position and for which there'll be a hiring decision by the end of the day. and then i've got another one on wednesday downtown. just in case those interviews don't yield a job offer, i've got 7 more job applications ready to be put in the mail.

busy, busy, busy.

at the same time, i'm having the damnedest time trying to get into the swing of normal, post-bar life lately. it'd be cool if i had a job to help ease me back into some semblance of a familiar daily routine. but these days, i'm left to my own devices -- and it really is odd to not have anything pressing to do, like study or concentrate on outlines.

it's just odd.

but if anything, i'm back into work-out mode.

last week, i started hitting the gym again. and then my best friend's girlfriend coaxed me into doing several races with her. she's a hard-core fitness freak. based on what she says, she spends up to three hours in the gym at least several times a week.

speaking of, there is something that she tends to do that bothers me. . . .

like, i had a few drinks with my friend and his girlfriend the other night. and that's when the girlfriend talked about her exercise regimen. but then she talked about how the fact that she spends so much time at the gym hasn't done anything to make her figure more trim. and then she made a pointed reference about me and a remark about my body and how "skinny" i am, as if it were all my fault that she didn't look the way she wanted to.

and mind you, this being right after the bar exam, i was/still am in my study-mode, eat-gads-of-junkfood body. i don't feel particularly slender or attractive at the moment at all! in fact, i at first thought that was her way of making a joke about how chunky i have gotten and was ready to be offended -- but then i saw that she was in earnest.

she is not a fat or chubby girl by any standard. she is a small vietgirl -- shorter than me and curvier and more ample than me in certain spots. she is kinda cute -- not really my type, but still cute. and she is a serious runner -- she really blew past me last spring in one race we did together.

but nonetheless she thinks she's fat.

i've been lucky. i've got body issues like most other girls, and there are days when i've eaten one too many reese's peanut butter cups and feel fat as hell. but for the most part, i've always been slender (read: "scrawny" -- this is why i have never really gotten into any fights; i know i'd get my ass kicked!). and it is as much a result of luck and genetics as much as because of (occasional) conscientious effort to have a healthy diet. like, even though i will eat most anything, including starchy, fatty, and sugary foods, i do stay away from certain other foods (i actually don't like most cakes, pies, ice cream, and other pastries and desserts), and i avoid eating unhealthy, large portions.

that being said, that was not the first time my best friend's girlfriend has made remarks to me about my body -- and always in that same jesting but accusatory tone. i'm sure she means no harm, and i'm always good at laughing off her comments with a flippant joke, like, "you think i'm skinny?! girl, good thing you can't see my love handles!"

but by now, the joke's kinda gotten old, and it actually makes me feel defensive.

like, leave me alone! i refuse to defend how i look!

first off, she shouldn't compare herself to me, just as i shouldn't compare myself with paris hilton. as girls, we always feel like the grass is greener, so to speak -- that we ourselves are lacking in attractiveness and that other girls are much more attractive than we are. i find myself struggling with this quite a bit myself -- if only my boobs could be bigger, if only i had more of a booty, if only i didn't have this flat-assed azn nose, if only i didn't have this majorly and unnaturally high forehead, etc.

and i wish i could say something poignant about the body dismorphia that all women and girls are plagued with. . . . but all i can think to say is this:

get real. get over it. you are what you are -- now just fucking embrace it!

(i know -- not very eloquent for me to say. i guess i'm more of a dr. phil than a dr. drew. :-P)

anyhow, i can't believe that tomorrow is only going to be march 10th.

like, only march 10th?!

i feel like it ought to be later in the year than that!

i troll a number of different blogs maintained by those who, like me, have applied to get into graduate programs for the coming fall. it seems like the first wave of rejection letters have already come and gone for at least those early-deadline (i.e., december 1st) schools, based on what i've read. most of my schools had those early deadlines, so i'm hoping that the current silence from my remaining schools is a good sign . . . .

i've also seen that some grad school applicants are actually being courted by certain programs. like, the department will go out of its way to ensure that the applicant chooses that particular school, including sending out all sorts of correspondence and making offers for all sorts of funding . . . .

like, wtf?! why haven't i been courted?

*sigh*

as i was saying . . . the grass is always greener. . . .

:-P