recent good turn of events

what do you do when someone you care about abruptly stops talking to you and you think the person's mad at you but you don't really know for sure?

seriously -- what do you do??

worrying about that has put a bit of a damper on my enthusiasm for the good news that i've had recently. i absolutely hate having people mad at me! it's the sort of thing that i can dwell on and worry about for days. :-P but i'm especially worried about this particular person because i really care a lot about her and what she thinks about me. so it's even more troubling to me to think that she might be mad at me. . . .

*sigh*

anyhow, my good news. i've told only three people my news thus far, and they are quite happy and excited for me. it's really great to have good stuff happen, because now i feel, more than ever, that no matter what happens, i can forge ahead with my head held up high, choose my destiny, and see how things unfold.

my first set of good news is that i'm about to get a job offer.

technically, a job hasn't been offered to me yet. but off the record, i've been assured of it.

it was really interesting how it all unfolded.

so last week i had three interviews: one scheduled on monday, and two scheduled on wednesday.

monday's interview was okay, and i knew, even during the interview, that it wouldn't lead to anything.

the first interview on wednesday went better -- but i got the same impression, didn't think i'd get an offer.

then the second interview on wednesday came along, and for some reason, i somehow came alive. maybe it's because of desperation or frustration -- but either way, i knew i had to make something happen and leave a lasting impression. it is inexplicable to me why i instinctively turned myself on for that particular interview instead of any of the others that i'd had before -- but i'd equate it with the primal instinct that carnivorous animals living in the wild have as they hunt prey in order to survive: i just knew that i could go in for the kill and that i should because my very life depended on it, and so i did. and it was a good interview all around.

before i sat down with the interviewers, though, i should mention that they had me do a quick 15-minute (yes -- only 15!) writing test. i was given a really open-ended question which surprised me and that kinda stumped me at first: "describe what leadership is."

i'm just used to being thrown more-complicated questions than that. :-T

after thinking for about the question for about ten seconds, i changed the question a bit to be, "describe what qualities a good leader has" and proceeded to write from there. i typed out an answer that was just over a page, single-spaced -- and just hoped for the best.

then i got a chance to sit with the interviewers for about 30-40 minutes. i was their last interview for the day. they gave me standard questions that they give to all interviewees. i answered them using specific examples. i was personable. and i thought i did a pretty good job overall.

i heard back from the office two days later on friday, and we arranged for an appointment for me to stop by that office on monday for a "meeting." i was pretty bemused by that, to tell the truth. like, did they mean a "second interview"? or, like, an actual meeting? i spent parts of the weekend wondering about that and calling up various persons i know who work for the state to see if they could shed light on the matter for me. but they were just as bemused as i was.

to make a long story short, it was actually a meeting and a second interview, and i didn't find this out until things were well underway. basically, my interview on wednesday went well enough that the office does want to hire me. but the thing is that the head of that particular office -- who is number 4 in the entire hierarchy of the whole organization, which has personnel all over the state and employs just over 63,000 employees -- happened to get a gander at my resume, heard the interviewers say good things about my interview, and wanted to meet me. apparently, he is interested in creating a specific position within his own executive office that could use a particular skill-set that he thought i might have.

for someone who wanted to meet me, though, he didn't stay very long. i saw him for, like, 30 seconds before he had to dash off. but he had his next-in-command, a brusque, older blond woman conduct the interview with me, with one of my original interviewers from last week sitting in as well.

i totally don't know for sure how i did during that particular interview, but i'm feeling kind of confident about it. and i was really surprised when they started lauding that damned answer i typed out as part of the writing test; they were pretty impressed by both the amount of writing i got done and the content -- despite the fact that i virtually pulled the answer right out of my ass. :-P i was also given more information as to what this other position entailed; basically, it is a pretty sensitive position as a program manager overseeing a number of different projects.

after the meeting was over, my original interviewer took me back to her office to tell me that she thought i did great. she said that, no matter what, she wanted me to come work there and that she'd totally prefer for me to work for her doing legislative stuff -- but that if the opportunity to work for number 4 did come about, i should pounce on it. in fact, she said i should consider it an honor since most of the people in the office, even those who may have been there for ten, twenty years, have never had a chance to meet with number 4, let alone step into his office. but she also reassured me that, if i didn't work for number 4, i would still most def be offered the job for which i was originally considered. and then she made me promise not to consider any other job offers that might come along for the next 48 hours. in my mind, i rolled my eyes and was all, "what other job offers?" but outwardly i assured her that i would do no such thing within that window of time.

whew!

so the job is pretty much in the bag. and it is a huge weight off my mind.

the second bit of good news has me even more excited.

what could be more exciting than impressing a number 4 and having a pending job offer?

i'll tell you what's more exciting:

dreams coming true.

opportunities presenting themselves.

the doorway to the future that you've always wanted and envisaged for yourself finally opening up.

i got my first acceptance to a ph.d program.

O_O

i was so shocked, then completely elated when i got the letter in the mail.

did i shriek?

uh-huh. yes.

it is not my number one choice, per se. but to actually get accepted into a program somewhere, anywhere, just makes me feel pretty happy.

it does complicate things, though, because now, i officially do have a decision to make. if the situation was different, i'd jump at the chance to go back to grad school and start working on my ph.d.

but i've been poor for one year already and would also like to take some time to start earning money again and developing a nice cushion of savings for myself.

so that's the decision i'll have to think about during the spring season. i think if i find that i love the job i'm doing, i'll postpone grad school for at least another year; otherwise . . . i'll head for school in the fall.

choices. open doors. possibilities.

fuck me, but it's nice!

the major lesson i'm taking from this is that i will never be stagnant in life or have any reason to despair so long as i'm active in creating choices for myself. i let myself be distracted by the bar for so long that my life virtually came to a standstill. not only that, but it affected my psyche as well in not-very-good ways. but the more you put yourself out there, the more you increase your chances for success -- and seriously, it's given me a much-needed ego boost.

so i'm happy right now. the year of the rat is supposed to be my good year -- and i'm glad to see that it really is. :) hopefully the rest of the year will bring me even better luck! seriously, the only thing that could top this would be finding out i passed the bar exam . . . .

but it's another two-month wait for that. . . . and trust me, i'm more than happy to not think about that!

*sigh* but on to the important, dire matter at hand: if only i can do something about that person who i think is mad at me --!!