the decompression of nutso

what a crazy past couple of days.

just when you think everyone around you is absolutely out of their minds and more immature than the joovies that we oversee, you somehow stumble upon reasonability, and it just knocks you back to where you need to be and restores your faith in human sanity.

yesterday was a short day of work for me. i was allowed to go home early, before lunch. things were out of control and i was angry and upset about how things had gone down. feeling bad for me and probably sick of seeing me burst into tears for the third time already that day, my boss took pity on me and let me go home.

i went home, chilled, moped, etc. unfortunately wasn't able to get to bed at a reasonable hour and overslept in the morning.

despite oversleeping, i took my time in selecting an outfit for the day. ironing and putting on my clothes, i was thoughtful. regardless of what happened that day, i just wanted to make sure i at least looked good.

a respected manager was going to hold informal interviews. i was first, then nutso, and then all three of us together.

i don't want to get too immersed in the details. but my initial informal interview went okay. i was still wary and nervous about the three-some interview that we were going to have later on, my first face-to-face meeting with nutso in a long while, let alone regarding this incident. but the manager assuaged my fears confidently, quietly, and easily, and i decided i had to trust him on this. "by the end of the day, this will all be over," he said in his quiet assured way. and it was just hard not to believe him.

after lunch was when our threesome was held. i think i did a good job of describing in a reasonable manner my perceptions and experiences, despite my nerves. my emotions threatened to rise to the surface multiple times, but both nutso and the manager kindly allowed me to carry on and were patient.

i'm just sick of being upset at the drop of a hat. i just hate it.

nutso was emotional at times, too. but because she's a manager, she is also just better at managing her emotions better than me. i'm not sure she quite gets some of the things we were discussing and is stuck, in just a few areas, on her own perspectives. but i have to give her major props for being there and remaining receptive. when i talked about how one or two of our conversations often left me close to tears after i got done talking with her, a pained look would come over her face. but it was not until the end of the meeting when she finally learned that i hadn't been the one who narc'ed on her and that someone else of her own initiative had caused the hullabaloo all the way up the food chain.

while we were both able to discuss our perceptions, i think i broke her trust. no, i was not the one who tattled. but i still was one who didn't have the balls to tell her that i couldn't deal with her chaos. it also surprised her that the one three hour meeting that nearly drove me mad drove me as mad as it did. she told me, with her eyebrows aghast, that she had seen the meeting as a bonding moment and that she had thought we were getting along so well, especially since i was joking and laughing with her.

i wanted to tell her yeah, i had been -- intermittently, whenever i could wake myself up. but that the meeting, on the whole, had been agonizing, and that i had really been faking it at some parts. but i think that would have totally devastated her. and lowered my esteem in the other manager's eyes.

either way, it's just . . . over. we are still to work on the project together. i know it will be at least civil the rest of the way out. but i breached the trust. she will not view me as a trustworthy partner anymore. and i just feel really badly about that.

but that's a whole other issue. during my initial one-on-one meeting with the other manager, after asking me questions and to describe certain things, the manager sat back in his chair and gave me a diagnosis about myself.

he said i worked really hard and that my hard work has built me a good reputation. he said i am cheerful and smile a lot and that people feel comfortable with me. and he said that i am kind of a people-pleaser and that i never let people know where boundaries should be. this, in turn, causes me to lose control a lot because i shut up instead of communicate and, he said, "this is obviously not working for you." so he suggested that i start thinking of ways to avoid situations in which this happens, so that i am not always on the verge of crying or snapping back when i can't take crazy or annoying people anymore.

ai-ya . . . .

and so i am just worn out now.

tomorrow, the manager who tattled on nutso and brought all this chaos down on everyone's heads is back in the office.

i don't trust her anymore.

and i'm still very annoyed when i think about her role in this.

because she's so high up, i cannot say or do anything disrespectful.

and i have to remember that, even though i thought we were friends, i have to be a little more careful.

like, i know she caused the chaos because she was concerned about me and cared.

but i think she confused her roles as friend and manager.

and to me, now that i have had a couple of nights to sleep on it and experience it all and also see the effect that it's had on nutso, it all is just way too much for me. she interfered way too much. there were other ways of handling it. at the most, she should have just gone to the reasonable manager, who is also nutso's immediate boss, and have him resolve things quietly as he did today. how she did it was not the way to do it.

i didn't mention this before, but the chaos-causing manager tattled on nutso is actually the older lesbian whom dimples teases me for having a crush on me. . . .

:-T

i would not say she's crushing on me, per se. at the very least, she regards me quite, uh, affectionately.

and yet, in spite of/because of this, i still think she overstepped her bounds.