incest

one of, if not the, biggest indicator that one has gotten way too comfortable at one's work-place and should probably do one's utmost to find a life outside of work is when one begins to notice that the circle of work-place incest is drawing nearer and nearer.

"work-place incest," you say wonderingly. yes, you know what it means.

it means that you are spending way too much time at work and have even begun to take your work -- and your work friends -- home with you.

it is okay to bring one or two or three or even four work-place friends with you. but when it becomes a whole slew of people -- who aren't even within a normal age-range of you -- it's probably a major sign that you should take a step back. create some physical and psychological distance. and get a life outside of work.

i think i'm at that point right now. consumed by work. always at work, thinking of work, or interacting with work people. need to put a stop to all this nonsense!

and the incest issues are coming up in other ways, too.

as in, almost quite literally incest.

:-T

we all know about my little hook-up with dimples. she and i still are great friends. we've had a lot of ups and downs this past year or so, but through it all, we managed to get over all that and become the best of friends. we're going through a bit of a rough patch, i think -- again -- and i'll write about that later. but rough patch aside, this friendship of ours has really taken off and solidified pretty well.

dimples aside, as i've gone along with the flow at work, i've gotten to know and work with lots more other people.

what's nice is that i've learned just how gay friendly the people at work are. sure, you've got those who will say something every now and then. but for the most part, there are quite a few people at my office who are out, and while there may be issues about those people's work ethic and quality of work, just as for any other employee, the very fact of their gayness is never really remarked upon in a derogatory or disrespectful way.

these past few months, i've gotten to be pretty good friends with a few other co-workers who are dykes. they're higher up on the totem pole than me. and it's gotten to be quite interesting around the office. i've actually developed kind of a crush on one. she is about ten years older than me, but her face is quite youthful, and she has the most amazing body. lordy! she is physically active and is a prolific runner. her arms are so well-defined, i drool when she wears short-sleeved shirts. she gives off just the teensiest bit of a butch vibe.

dimples does not think she's all that, but i certainly disagree. i have to conscientiously make an effort to try not to check her out whenever i see her or talk with her, but i think i gave myself away yesterday. just remembering how my eyes glanced inappropriately over her yesterday afternoon makes me cringe and blush. and i know it was not lost on her. but hey, i couldn't help myself. i would totally date her -- if she didn't already have a girlfriend. still, there is usually a flirtatious thing going on between us. i feel like she goes out of her way to talk to me. she has this way of leaning forward and propping her arms up on my cube wall when she talks with me. totally inappropriate, but i kind of like it. :-T and she has this really pretty, open face. she and i talk a lot about running.

but no, i will not do anything inappropriate with her!! i don't do that whole create-drama-and-destruction in my wake kind of thing. that's not my style. remaining low-key and ethical -- that's what i do. couldn't live with myself otherwise.

interestingly enough, another lesbian in the office, who is over 20 years older than me, has developed a crush on me. or at least that is what dimples says. and based on my experience, whatever dimples perceives about other people, it's usually true. i like this older lady. if she were closer to my age, i might contemplate dating her. she is hilarious, and despite her comparatively high rank and the age difference, i consider her to be a friend. we get along so well, always laughing and joking and teasing each other. she is a total riot.

isn't this all so incestuous, though? it's bad enough that i spend most of my days and weekends at the office. but continually surrounding myself with work-related peeps is just as bad, too -- isn't it? and do not even get me started on the allegation, which i believe is actually true, that the woman i'm crushing on and the woman who is crushing on me have hooked up before. . . .

incest!!!

:-T

and sometimes i think my friendship with dimples is just . . . too close, too. to the point where it gets to be too much, even for her. lately, whenever i talk with her, even if the mood is light, i still sometimes catch little imperceptible shifts with her. it offends her when i call her on it and ask what's wrong. 'cause i know that something's wrong. like, we've been such great, amazing friends these past few months. and now, all of a sudden, we're back to having some kind of psychological barrier between us. and i don't think it's me who's changed or is changing. it's her. there's something about me or something that i say that she doesn't like. and on one hand, i feel like fuck it, i shouldn't have to change who i am or what i say just because she's senstive. but on the other hand, i don't like this feeling of losing her -- yet again. so i do try to be careful. i have to phrase things carefully or just wholly avoid certain topics altogether, just for the sake of keeping the mood light.

and yet just the acts of thinking all of this and writing it out make me feel guilty. i should not be thinking such things of her. she does have a lot going on, and she's ultra-busy, and she's ultra-accountable to many different things and people in her life. i usually just give her space until she's ready to come back. i guess i just wish i knew what was up.

all this just makes me feel like . . . i'm getting way too close to these peeps. i need room and space. i need to back away, take care of myself and my own things, and just be a little more balanced instead of letting any one thing take over my world completely.