relapse

i have so much on my mind. so many things i want to write about.

and yet i totally don't know if there is anything to say. . . .

:-T

in a nutshell, i guess i ought to say that i think i got duped -- yet again -- by dimples.

yes, we've hooked up again. a couple of times, actually. she had said she didn't want to mess with my head when she sent me those text messages the other day . . . .

but in my opinion, she has.

again.

DUDE.

and now she's doing this whole aloof thing.

i really don't understand.

after those text messages, we went out to one of our favorite dive bars, and eventually, we started talking about her feelings for me. -- or rather, "fantasies."

"what kind of fantasies?" i asked her with a smile. i was curious.

"just . . . how it used to be," she said. there was a faint look of memory on her face.

"is this . . . something purely physical on your part?" i wanted to know.

"no," she said. and i remember how she said it, leaning across the table towards me, her eyes fixed on mine with a softly purposeful look.

i thought she was telling me something there. i thought she was telling me, in her way, that she couldn't fight the physical attraction and that she thought that we could open up our relationship to something bigger that what we'd had before.

but now?

dude. i don't know. but god, am i stupid. why did i let my guard down? why did i want to believe that she missed me as much as i did her and that we had some sort of emotional and physical connection that we had been fighting against all this time?

fuck buddies. that's all this is. we are friends. and we fuck -- on her time table, not mine.

that's the biggest morale that i'm getting from this.

and when we're not fucking, we're supposed to pretend we never fucked and go back to being co-worker friends.

it's obviously an easy thing to do. why am i getting worked up? i get the best of both worlds with that kind of relationship. i get to have my best friend still, and i get to act on my attraction to her, which never went away.

no problemo, right?

and yet, because of how this situation is, i love punishing her, making her jealous. last weekend, we went out to a gay bar to hang out. she spotted a cute baby butch hanging out nearby and pointed her out to me. i agreed nonchalantly that the butch was cute.

later, the baby butch came over to us and started conversing with me. she was drunk but a harmless drunk. later, when dimples went to the bathroom, the butch introduced herself to me and asked, "so how long have you and your girl been together?" i smiled, liking the sound of "your girl," and i replied honestly: "it's been up and down for the past six months or so."

dimples came out of the bathroom, and the baby butch introduced herself to dimples. they both had to lean across me to speak to each other, and as they did so, one of the butch's hands came up on my back to give it a rub. later, when the butch left, she leaned over and kissed me on my neck.

dimples' eyes took it all in. when we were alone together again, she said accusingly, "that girl was all over you."

i enjoyed seeing the rise in dimples, but i replied modestly, "she was totally drunk. and you know she's not my type. maybe she was just trying to use me to get to you."

dimples didn't look like she believed it, but she put her hand on my thigh and started to rub. and somehow, i lost track of everything else.

dimples is hot. she is just so absolutely hot when she turns it on for me. she has this way of looking at me purposefully that makes me stammer and my heart skip a beat. all these months that we have been platonic and "just friends" hasn't done a single thing to dampen her effect on me or how i feel for her on any level.

and i can't trust what she tells me anymore. she told me it wasn't just a physical thing for her, and i know it's true: we both care for each other. and yet if i try to bring this up to her or if i create any kind of drama, i know what she'll say. she'll say, "abbagirl, you know i have a kid and all these other obligations, and i cannot promise anything to you. i thought you knew and understood all these limitations." it would all be my fault. me, me, me.

i should've stopped it, huh? i shouldn't have let it get back to this point. i should have firmly said, "we worked so hard to get to this point of pure friendship and we should not do anything that forsakes this friendship just because we're horny as hell for each other."

ugh.

i do not need this drama right now. i do not need to be thinking of her right now.

she was being aloof with me yesterday. so today, despite temptation, i haven't texted, called, or e-mailed her. and i'm going out of town for the weekend early tomorrow morning and will do my best not to contact her at all through the weekend, either.

if she wants to be aloof, fuck it -- i will give her all the space she wants. like, i know she's going through shit. but whenever we were "just friends" and she was going through shit, she never went cold turkey like this on me. when we're not "just friends" anymore, that whole aloofness comes back on.

wtf?!

fuck. okay, so where are my goddamned flashcards?

:-T