nutso in trouble

i had a rather harried day today at work.

yes, everything relates back to nutso. everything.

i guess it got to the point where everything i feel and think about her gets writ large upon my face and actions. i don't really need to say a word, and people will know that i'm wiggin' out and that things are a little over the top.

and okay, fine. i've been getting teary-eyed and red-eyed a lot lately, too.

:-T

i am not a cry-baby!! it's just that . . . these are trying times. i guess that's no excuse. but i seriously am not a cry-baby!

so a friend who is a manager tattled. she tattled on nutso about me to the ch!ef. the ch!ef immediately said he wanted me off the project. he was on my side, and he said that no one deserves to be treated like that. i told him that i would like to see the project through to the end; i think he is allowing me to remain on it. but he (or his designee) planned/plans to have a talk with nutso about things soon. whether that talk has happened yet, i have no clue. but i'm sure i'll find out soon enough tomorrow. . . .

i have mixed emotions about that. i understand that the manager friend who tattled just cares and that she wants to help alleviate the situation and that she doesn't like to see my cry-baby side sprout up so often.

but at the same time, i feel like it's total interference. i feel like maybe nutso will feel like i'm stabbing her in the back -- even though i was not the one who tattled. and i just don't like messy situations. i like to keep things cool and calm even if, on the inside, i'm seething and pissed.

but that's a whole other issue in and of itself. like, i was talking to a former co-worker/friend who told me something i already knew: it's one thing to keep complaining about something -- but if you're not going to do anything about it, you need to just shut up.

i don't have to re-read my recent entries about nutso. i know i've been over-the-top in ranting about her. there are a lot of negative emotions embedded in those words.

but while i feel terrible and not just a little guilty about things, well, there's just gotta be something wrong if a person ends up driving another to have those kinds of negative emotions in the first place.

and based on my conversations with the manager friend, there are certain things that have gotten validated for me -- i.e., i've been doing more managerial work than i ought to be, in addition to the regular staff work, my work with nutso has taken me away from my normal duties more than anticipated, and nutso's freak-outs are trying and difficult.

it's not just a matter of me being "too sensitive." i need to own this shit and stop being so doubtful and forgiving.

i don't even know if nutso knows all this went down . . . . she might have been told by now that she's been driving me crazy and to no longer have any personal contact with me again, except through e-mail. or she might not have been yet.

i really don't know at this point.

ever since i started working with her, i've taken to checking my work e-mail in the evening after each work-day.

but now i'm scared to. i'm scared to see if she's written me to vent at me or to play the pity game.

i think i just need to sleep on it and see how things unfold in the morning.

or maybe i should just call in sick.

:-T