i give up.

what a week. is it over yet?

:-T

i'm exhausted by everything. i've decided that maintaining any kind of relationships with other people is too much of a hassle, too much of a drain. i'm thinking it would be much better to crawl into a cave and wait for the end of the world to come than to keep up with other people's riff-raff.

first off, it's quite a blow to one's ego to realize just how much of a security blanket my job has become for me. it is a fairly easy, albeit fast-paced, job, and i excel at it. the accolades and props i get for doing this job is like an intoxicating drug. i can't get enough of it. it is much easier to let myself get swept up in being successful at mediocrity than to muster up the patience, energy, and courage to face my demons until i slay them once and for all.

i'm a coward. i know that.

and then i'm finding it to be way too much work to deal with other people -- dimples, nymph, and others. it's crazy and disheartening to discover that, despite how much time you've spent with such people and all the things you've shared with each other, they don't really know or appreciate you as much as you had originally thought. . . .

nymph has been getting on my nerves these past couple of weeks. she has a bit of a know-it-all attitude and likes to have the last word on things. i'd noticed this about her from the start, but it's only been recently that it's become really annoying. finally, it got to the point today where i started picking a fight with her. it wasn't very cool of me to do, but i just couldn't help it. something in me wanted to let loose on her and let her know that she wasn't superior to me at all -- that there was more to me than she knew about -- and that there was some props behind things i had to say, perhaps even more props than her.

she had been talking about a friend of hers, a girl who got her masters degree. but the friend, after completing the degree, stated that she had no intent to make any use of the degree in the particular field. nymph said that was a waste of her friend's life -- to give up a certain number of years in her life for an education that she was not going to use.

i took issue with that -- for obvious reasons. and i started picking a fight with her. nymph doesn't know i went to law school and have a j.d. but i wanted to instigate a fight with her so that i not only could finally tell her about it but also to exorcise my own demons. i wanted an excuse to verbally ream her.

nymph didn't rise to the bait at all, though, and i suppose i have to give her credit for that. but things are rather tense between us now. she's mad at me. and i know that this is the last straw for her; my behavior towards her has been deteriorating these past couple of weeks, and i hit the point of no return.

i deserve it, i know. but at the same time, i do wish she'd own up to her own annoying propensities as much as me. like, i'm a pretty emotional person, but i tend to keep those emotions inward. when it comes to interacting with others, though, i have never, ever lost my self-control to the point where i don't know what i'm doing or saying. everything with me is pretty calculated; i always know what i'm doing or saying. the hard part for me, then, when i get to a certain point emotionally, is just in getting myself to obey the inner voice when it tells me i shouldn't say or do something.

but trying to pick fights, like i did with nymph today, is just totally rare.

and dimples.

i thought she knew me pretty well. but today, i discovered how little she really does. it just makes me think twice; like, after all this time we've spent together and the things we've shared with each other, i would just expect her to have a better sense of who i was. i feel like i know her pretty well and can read her mood and state of mind at any given time. i thought she knew me in a similar way, but . . .

guess not.

:-T

it just makes me reassess things. it makes me reassess the things i take for granted, such as the belief that i am able to clearly convey everything i think and feel so that there is no ambiguity, no question of where i stand and who i am. it makes me reassess the level of trust i can place in others to be able to read me and my words and actions clearly.

so no, i don't blame dimples for not understanding me as much as i'd thought she did, after all this time.

but at the same time, i don't want to expend any effort to rectify the matter. my relationship with her, just like my relationships with other people, require too much work. too much conscientiousness. too much tip-toeing.

i give up.

:-T