the last straw

nymph and i have been hot and cold this past week or so, each skating on thin ice with the other. as a result, our interactions have been very careful. i may say something that slightly bothers or annoys her, but i can see her swallow down the feelings before she changes the subject to safer ground. or if she says or does something that i find completely obnoxious, i will take a deep breath, try not to let the annoyance be apparent on my face, and try to change the subject to something safer.

yesterday came the second-to-last straw.

she, dimples, and i were taking our afternoon break together and walking around through the neighborhood surrounding our building. it was cold, and so we all had our wool jackets on.

dimples had something on her mind she wanted to talk about; she is a passionate and emotional person, and she was feeling compelled to talk the stuff on her mind all out.

throughout the diatribe, she impressed upon us the need to keep the matter a secret. "you guys cannot tell anyone about this!" she said every now and then, vehemently. we each agreed. the more dimples discussed the issue, the more i commiserated; the issue was something that unfairly impacted another co-worker, someone i really genuinely like and respect. so at one point, i said, "dude. if i were [that co-worker], i would totally want to know about this." but of course, i did not say that i would personally be the one to tell the person. just that if i were her, this sort of thing is something i would want to know about, just to be better informed about the particular situation that co-worker was currently but unknowingly facing.

but nymph started in on me. the first time she told me that i had better not tell, i totally ignored her and physically shut her out by turning my head and curving my body away from her. the second time she told me that same thing, i took a deep, impatient sigh but said nothing. but the third time she reiterated that i had "better not tell! that will only get dimples in trouble –", i cut her off completely and snapped, "i know, nymph! i think i understand the situation!" and i gave her a glare.

that shut her up, and she was subdued for the rest of the conversation. later, i understand that after we went back to work, she whispered to dimples, "i think abbagirl is mad at me!" but dimples told her not to worry about it. i later told dimples that i felt bad about snapping at nymph, but at the same time, nymph kept getting on my nerves and was so damned annoying.

i then asked, "should i apologize to her?" dimples said "no. don't pursue it. let it go." and so i did. and by the end of yesterday, nymph and i were on speaking terms again, but we were both cautious, and speaking for my own self, i can say that it was definitely a little forced.

this morning, it was the same – semi-friendly, forced at some times, but overall totally civil.

i thought i could make it. nymph is working at this office only until the end of this pay-period, this coming monday or tuesday. and so i thought i could make it and remain friendly until her very last day. hell, i have even contributed to her going-away gift.

and then today happened. nymph, dimples, and i went on an excursion during our lunch hour. things were fine along the way to our destination. but the return journey changed things.

i brought up a topic that i find interesting: true socialism versus true capitalism.

yesterday evening, i saw on the local news that a group of homeless people had organized a rally and had protested in front of the capitol earlier during the day. the protestors were advocating for a piece of property upon which they could all congregate, put up tents, and sleep. so to get conversation going, i asked nymph and dimples what they thought of the proposition; first, did they agree with the proposition? and if so, whose land should be used to accommodate this living situation?

i already had strong opinions on the matter. i'm all for the idea of allowing the people the right to commune and set up their own enclaves and stuff. but do i think that the government should be the one to accommodate the homeless and set up a commune on state property to allow the homeless to squat on it?

no.

it's not the government's job to take care of people. and so i said as much.

i'm all for private charities engaging in the business of providing services to the needy, such as the poor, the homeless, the sick, the elderly, the children. but do i want my tax dollars to go towards setting up shop for the homeless, when i can barely cover my own costs?

uh. no.

nymph and dimples disagreed with me and said they thought it would be a great idea. they are of the general opinion that there are those who can't take care of themselves and that, as a result, government should step in and take care of those people.

so far, so good. a friendly little debate.

then i said, "but we live in capitalistic society. and in a true capitalist society, which is competitive in nature, there are just always going to be people at the bottom who won't have anything."

i think i said it pretty much like that. and i am an academic. i said it in an academic tone.

but nymph then said sullenly, "then i wish you would be at the bottom so that you can see what it's like."

/:-\

i thought that totally crossed the line.

it was the last straw.

she took a discussion that was political and academic on my part and turned it into something personal.

the last fucking straw.

there were a million things i wanted to snap at her. i wanted to tell her that i've been there at the bottom. i've been the poor starving student, surviving off ramen noodles, and anxious about making the next month's rent. i come from a family of refugees, whose beginnings in this country, after reaching american waters and being rescued by a u.s. naval ship, involved private charity from a local sacramento church. my family knows what it's like scrimping and saving and funneling their desire for something better into action to mobilize themselves from the lowest of the socio-economic ladder to modest success in middle-class america.

at the same time, i understand her point of view. she has told us before that her dad is unemployed and that her mom has to work extra hard to be able to make all their bills. and no, i don't think the government should help him out, either. call it the confucist in me, but i think families should take care of each other; if not families, then private charities. but government?

theoretically, academically, personally – no.

and by her own admission, her dad is a stubborn kind of guy who has been pretty particular about the kinds of jobs he wishes to go for. so do i think he should receive government aid? i guess -- but only if he has exercised every possible avenue and has attempted to apply for jobs that he is even remotely qualified for.

-----------------------------------

i've had some time to cool down since i left off on this post.

the bosses let everyone go home early, so we were all out of the building by about 2:20 p.m. dimples and nymph walked out together, and since i didn't want to be anywhere around nymph, i hung back a little.

"are you comin', abbagirl?" dimples called out to me.

i saw her standing by the exit door with nymph. "no, you go on ahead!" i said to her, ignoring nymph completely. "but happy holidays!"

i left the building only a few seconds after them. they were still walking to their cars and talking with each other. it pissed me off; it pissed me off to see dimples talking to her. i felt betrayed. i got into my car and roared out of the parking lot past them.

but i calmed down enough to call dimples a few minutes later. i knew it was unfair and childish of me to feel betrayed.

we talked about the matter. she was totally reasonable and understanding about how pissed i was. "but," she said, "you have to understand it from our point of view. you've never been poor."

"what?" i said. i didn't think i heard her right.

"you've never been poor," she said emphatically.

and then i let loose on her. "i've never been poor? i've been a starving student living on financial aid in law school and grad school. there were times when i didn't even know if i couldn't make the next month's rent!"

"that doesn't count," she said.

"and," i continued, pretending not to hear her, but hurt by that statement, "i come from a family of fucking refugees. my parents had nothing when they came here. i grew up wearing fucking hand-me-downs and didn't have toys, and my parents had to fucking work two damned jobs just to get by. my mom's family had to live off charity when they first got here -- they had nothing.

that's where i come from. and that's why i still believe what i believe -- that people can help themselves and improve themselves without help from the government!" i was yelling in the phone, my voice breaking with emotion. "i refuse to be ashamed of what i've accomplished thus far and where i'm at now!"

dimples calmed me down and continued being patient with me. "okay," she said. "no one says that at all. but you have to admit -- you were sounding so obnoxious. you were saying, across the board, the government shouldn't help the poor. and i just don't agree with that. our system is not perfect, and yes, there are people on welfare who don't deserve or need those benefits -- but there are others who do need that help in the most desperate way."

she was right. and so i gave an empty laugh. "i still kind of disagree but see your point. but see? why can't nymph debate and disagree with me like that? see? we can disagree but still be cool with each other!"

she laughed, too. but she said, "you know, you just gotta see it from her point of view. she has to send money home to her parents every month. and her parents aren't doing well -- not as well as yours and mine."

okay, okay. fine.

:-T

damn it. and now, i feel all worn out. still emotional and pissed and stuff. but also worn out.

whatev.

happy holidays and all.

:-T