do you reach out and grab it, clenching it tightly in your fist while your eyes gaze yonder at the possible good fortune you know is imminently coming your way?
or do you see it for what it is, a shiny piece of tin foil that has no beneficent, magical properties and operates as a false prophet, a teller of lies and falsehoods?
it's hard to know what it is -- until you decide whether or not to use it. until you do so, it remains an object of ambiguous significance.
i think i have a golden ticket.
no. scratch that. i think i have the potential to get the golden ticket.
:-T
this has been probably the most difficult week i've encountered in a long time. i feel overwrought, over-extended, over-used. i now feel completely and totally drained.
there is an episode of the l word, season 3, that comes to mind. it is a scene in which shane, apprehensive of her developing feelings for carmen and feeling like she is incapable and unworthy of being loved, goes to confession. she tells the priest in the confessional booth that she feels that everyone she meets always ends up wanting something from her -- in her case, sex -- and that she feels that she has nothing left to give.
i have felt like that this whole week. i have felt completely used, unappreciated, and drained. and it left me feeling ill-tempered, cantankerous, and broody.
i have episodes like this every now and then. usually, i feel quite capable of being the doer, the giver. but then, it always ends up getting to the point where i realize i can't do it anymore. that i don't want to do it anymore. and i end up feeling a sense of disequilibrium from the fact that, while i have had no hesitations about giving my all to someone, that person just does not and would not do the same for me.
for me, this time around, work is the culprit. this job of mine.
my boss adores me. he's been kissing my butt a lot lately, giving me lots of heartfelt compliments and making good-natured, teasing compliments that really make me feel great. i feel appreciated. now, he's always been complimentary to me and has generally tended to give me great feedback and encouragement at least once a week since i've started working for him. at the same time, i know he's kicked up the compliments a notch to kiss my butt; he knows about this decision i have to make about whether to stay in california or go away to grad school, and while he's been supportive in every possible way, he's made no secret of the fact that he wants me to stay.
it's not his fault per se, but as much as i love my boss, the work load is getting heavier for me. my boss himself occupies a unique position; he is in the know about everything, and how he manages to stay on top of the game and keep tabs on everything he's expected to know about is beyond me. he has insulated me really well thus far from all the heavy, finite details of his job. basically, for the past six months, you could say that i'm just a sort of "special assistant." i do whatever he asks of me -- creating excel spreadsheets, generating reports, creating databases. i'm just great at taking orders -- a "yes" person.
and there is just a great symbiotic relationship between me and my boss. our personalities mesh. i protect him, and he protects me. i know that whe he gets in his moods, he needs space. we find each other's sense of humor totally hilarious.
but things are changing at the office. this week, the dramatic changes were practically overwhelming. and i felt kind of lost and powerless.
my boss was on vacation for the latter half of this past week. as a result, i was asked to sit in on some meetings on his behalf. i think i handled myself passingly well -- but i could've done better. but it was just . . . kinda trippy that all of these other powerful, high-statused people expected me to be my boss -- or at least have the same kind of knowledge he does. but i don't.
so that stressed me out. i was frazzled for most of the week. i can be me, but i can't be my boss and myself during his absence. i surely am not paid enough for that!
and having that incident with nymph earlier this week compounded and heightened my sense of harriedness. she was acting all cold with me yesterday, speaking with me only when necessary. and when i, in turn, would ask her questions or whatever, she would cut me off or ignore me. and that just pissed me off.
and there was just so much other shit going on. it would take too long to list everything that happened this week that got under my skin, rankled me, and unnerved me.
my savior this week has actually been dimples. she seriously is great.
i cannot put into words what exactly this relationship i have with her is. i just know that it is what it is.
she and i had sex that day before thanksgiving. and ever since, we've mostly pretended it didn't happen.
but while it remains not talked about it, we haven't made any attempts to deny that it happened. we have engaged with each other like the close friends we are. we just don't talk about it. we don't remember it. our eyes may speak volumes to each other in ways that others don't realize. she always seems to be looking at my mouth, and i can't help but stare and get lost in her dark, virtually black eyes. and yet nothing more has happened since then.
nonetheless, she's been there for me. yesterday, after work, i had a major melt-down. while driving home, i tried to call her, but she didn't pick up her cell. but twenty minutes later, she called back. it was great to hear her voice. i tried to be cool and nonchalant and just engage in small talk. but she knew that i was not doing well. "i could see from your face today that you were stressed out," she said. "i don't think anyone else knew, but i could tell." and that's when i started bawling a little.
she was a great listener. and she had some passionate opinions on everything. it was great to hear that fire in her voice on my behalf. she built me back up with her words, basically stating that 1.) i should stop being so nice to people and bending over backwards to do everything for everyone; and 2.) that all the people who are making me over-extend myself are a bunch of callous assholes who aren't as loyal to me as i am to them. based on these, she said, she thinks i should just quit and go to school and fuck 'em all.
see? she's great. :)
and today, at work, she was just so considerate. she brought in a vanilla soy latte, my favorite, from starbuck's, and then later bought me some food from carl's, jr.
this was so meaningful to me because i get solace from food. my mom knows that any time i'm ill-tempered or sad, the best way to cure my mood is to get me my favorite foods. and it's just a fact that, in my family, the giving and receiving of food holds pretty significant meaning; it's much more than the giving and receiving of food -- it's the giving and receiving of love, affection, and caring.
i think that's why i generally find it hard to let other people treat me at a restaurant. i am usually the one who insists upon and wins when it comes to paying the bill at restaurants and bars. i prefer to give than to receive, period. it takes a lot for me to be okay with being on the receiving end of someone's kindness. so today, for me, accepting the coffee, then the food from dimples was a huge thing for me -- and both she and i knew it.
i don't know how this bodes for us, her and i. i have learned not to have any expectations of her whatsoever. despite that, there remains a connection between us. a vibe. an intangible tether that keeps me attuned with her and her with me. i really don't know what will happen . . . . it's like words don't even matter anymore. she and i may say certain things, such as "we can't be together right now," but the words don't change the essential nature of our relationship.
but back to the golden ticket. that's what i wanted to write about -- not about dimples.
the golden ticket made its appearance today, fittingly at the end of what has been a horrible, shit-tastic week.
essentially, the golden ticket is mine -- if i stay here in california, in this job.
i've known that most of my higher-ups generally tend to like me. but i'd thought i ruined it by being a poor substitute for my boss while he's been on vacation; i just don't have the same knowledge or expertise that he does.
nonetheless, today i learned that even more higher-ups love me and that if i continue to do my job, keep my nose to the grind, and help bring success to my department, i will get a golden ticket to a comparably high-level, lofty career myself.
what a way to cap off the week.
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