lost, befuddled, bemused

yesterday afternoon, right at about the time to get ready to go home, my boss called me into his office.  he wanted to catch up on the events of last week to see what he had missed during his absence.  i gave him a short 4-1-1, omitting only the fact that last week had ended up getting me frazzled and super-stressed out.  but he seemed to understand anyway that i had felt a bit overwhelmed and didn't push the issue.

 

then he asked me point-blank, "have you made a decision yet?"

 

"yes," i answered.  and i had.

 

i had taken into consideration everything.  i was reasonable and practical about the situation.  i thought about every single possible pro and con available, and i assessed everything to its very last logical conclusion.  yes, i had decided.

 

"i think," i told him slowly, "that i'm going to stay."

 

my boss sat back in his chair, obviously relieved, and his face took on a smug tint. 

 

i continued quickly.  "but i was going to talk to you about taking time off in january.  i'd like to go visit the people in my program and tell them in person."

 

"i can live with that," said my boss amiably.

 

then he dropped the subject as quickly as he had brought it up, as if by continuing to talk about it, i would change my mind.  we went back to talking about business as usual.

 

however, i started feeling unsettled.  i felt queasy.  i felt the pain in my heart and knew it was protesting the decision.  i ignored these feelings until i could escape my boss' office, which was not long thereafter.

 

what was wrong with me?  i thought i had made a decision – and not only that, but i thought i had been fine with it.

 

so . . . then why did i feel so devastated?

 

i think i would feel this way regardless of what i ultimately decided to do.  if i chose to go away to school, i would feel heartbroken at leaving all my friends behind and the possibility that i'd turned my back on a real power-career opportunity.  and i'd feel guilty for going so far away from my mom, with whom, of my sisters and me, i am the closest.

 

but if i chose career, the possibility of pursuing the golden ticket, i'd feel as i do now – that this was my one real chance to go to school and pursue the first love i've ever had for any one thing, literature.  i'd feel that i was succumbing, once again, to the pressures of other people and sacrificing my desires for their needs.  i'd feel that reason was winning out, once more, over passion.  and that is why it has left me feeling this . . . depleted.  this . . . devastated.

 

what am i doing?

 

i really don't know.

 

i'm totally, totally lost.

 

:-T