two "f"s: on a new friend and on failing

alter-ego

every now and then, i've often wondered how i would've turn out had i not become such a square goody-two-shoes and had not done everything that i was supposed to do.

well, i think i know now.

as of last week, i gained a new b.f.f.: a vietgirl who works on the first floor.

she is the opposite of me in so many ways.

for instance, she's shorter than me and makes me feel gawkishly tall whenever i stand next to her. i have to suppress the urge to hunch my shoulders down and crouch at her level.

she's also a bit more out-going than me, does not have a college degree, has at least two or three tattoos, and has piercings galore. her make-up has bold colors while i tend to use more-neutral colors. she speaks vietnamese a little bit better than me, has a boyfriend, and she is actually quite interested in staying long-term at this office. she could easily promote to the next level, but she's just biding her time until the right situation comes about. in the meantime, she's quite content to remain as she is.

see? totally my opposite!

and yet we have enough commonalities to have allowed us to become friends rather quickly. but i see in her how i would've turned out if i had not played by the rules so much -- and i'm actually kind of envious. i wish i had become a bit more like her, outgoing and expressive, and less like me, introspective and rather solitary. but despite some of our contrary character traits, we're still rather alike, which is how i'm able to see myself in her and how we've come to be such fast friends.

i kinda was wary about getting to be friends with her, at least so quickly off the bat. but that's just how i am with most everyone, really. but the friendship came about because she started trying to find excuses to hang out with me in my office, and she would engage in this kind of weird, funny hinting behavior to get me to ask her if she wanted to have lunch together or whatever.

the first time she did her hints, i was reluctant about giving the green light towards anything that could lead to b.f.f. status. but ultimately i couldn't see any way around it, it was so obvious. so after she pointedly dropped a gazillion hints, i finally gave a reluctant sigh and said, "wanna go to lunch?" and then she said, "i thought you'd never ask!"

:-T

funny thing is that, once we started hanging out in my office during breaks and stuff, i soon found out that she actually went to high school with my little sister. in fact, they were in the same class for a while. trippy! but really, what i've discovered is that most of the azn-americans i meet here in the capitol city of the golden state are connected to each other within two or three degrees of separation.

it's just a fact. i don't even try to fight it.

:-T

but yeah, despite my initial reluctance to make friends (i'm just soo anti-people and everything), she's a cool chick. and we're already making a bunch of plans to hang out and do things together (but no, nothing like that -- she's straight and has a boyfriend).

i've just never had such a young friend, though. like, she's 23 and i'm about to turn 28 -- and i guess five years is not such a huge age span. but seriously, i'm used to having friends who are roughly my age or older! i'm not used to being around such a young 'un!

okay, so now i feel really old, especially for having such thoughts.

O_O

;)

bar exam repeaters

i've realized why bar exam repeaters tend to -- well, repeatedly fail.

first: the amount of time between the day results are released and the deadline to register to re-take is only two weeks.

so by the time a disheartened bar exam repeater such as me decides to re-take it yet again, which may take just about the entire two weeks to make that decision in and of itself, everyone else will have already have gotten about a month's head-start on studying and shit. and it just makes me feel like i have to play catch-up and that everyone else is ahead of the game.

sure, it's only the last month or so that really matters -- plus, i should actually be familiar with everything and just be able to hone in on the areas that i know i need to improve. but nonetheless . . . i still feel like i took off from the starting line rather late.

:-P

second: the psychological factor screws you over.

when you're a repeater, by the time you've failed, oh, about twice, you have no shred of self-esteem left. and it's just all that much more harder to believe you'll ever pass.

third: you realize that you can still succeed without being a "real attorney."

i'm at a point where i can actually get to choose a career that i want for myself -- either as an academic or doing this current job of mine, which has really opened my eyes to the kind of high-level government stuff that i can end up doing in just a few years' time.

if i keep seeking promotions (like, if i were actually that kind of motivated go-get-'em kind of person, that is), i think i could do really well.

that's why a part of me says "fuck this shit!" like, to have a successful career, i really don't have to be a practicing attorney at all. it's one thing to say this and another thing to believe it. i'm actually starting to believe it more and more.

fourth: you resignedly come to the conclusion that working and earning money, even at a non-attorney job, is much better than not working and not getting paid to take this exam.

really. after a while, it does come to be all about the money.

but i could do well at my current office. if i just stuck with it and sought promotions as soon as the opportunities were made available to me, i think i could end up pulling down an $ 80k/year salary in no time -- and without having to work crazy hours, either.

like, seriously, that'd be more than enough dough for me, a single bitchy chick who plans to remain a single bitchy chick for ever and ever more. and raise lots of bitchy bitchy chihuahuas to keep her company and bite other people for her.

grrrr.

and really, taking and re-taking and re-taking the bar exam is just costly as hell. like, i could've bought a new car already from the amount of money i've spent taking it and signing up for review courses and materials and such.

and if you only knew!! i sure could use a new car at this point . . . . my dinosaur of a car has been in the midst of dying a slow, painful death, and i do think it's on its very last legs at this point . . . .

:-T