i have a fair idea, in my mind, what constitutes Right and Wrong, although i don't belong to any organized religion. unlike most people, i adhere to these principles pretty easily. i treat people fairly and expect absolutely nothing from them other than to treat me decently and politely in turn. because of my lack of religious belief, when people sneeze, i don't say, "gesundheit" or "bless you." at the same time, i'm usually the one who holds doors open for others, and i say "thank you" every time i feel that a kindness has been bestowed on me.
truth be told, i usually prefer the company of a good book more than anything else. i do things in moderation, usually only with people i trust, or i don't do them at all. to believe something, i must see it with my own eyes and be able to contemplate it at my own leisure. i sometimes jump to conclusions, but only with the caveat that i may some time in the future change my mind.
although i like to do things spontaneously or off the cuff, especially if i feel that i need time alone, i'm not a capricious person. nor am i malicious. even if i find myself wanting to hurt someone with words or with acts, i rarely ever act upon those impulses because of my fear of doing something irreparably harmful. i care about other people's feelings, perhaps a bit too much, and this often causes me to back down from a hard-line stance as an attempt to placate. i have a tendency to avoid conflicts and defer to a stronger personality. but i can do so without qualms because i have a very mild manner. i laugh easily and am always quick with a short quip. because i smile and laugh easily, it will often take three or four serious shoves at me before i finally react in bad temper.
all in all, i'm just a level-headed, smart girl who keeps primarily to herself and doesn't ask anything of anyone else.
but now i'm feeling irked. i feel like a fool.
there was a ghost in the machine, and it had me convinced that it was real.
but it's not real. it's a projection of what i've always desired, both consciously and unconsciously. it made itself seem like it was everything that it really is not. in fact, by the very nature of its being, it's not there. it's a ghost, for crying out loud. it's unreal. an illusion.
what did i do wrong . . . .
i didn't do anything that i don't otherwise do, i don't think. i am as i am. i approach all things similarly -- cautiously at first, then with more ease and familiarity. i knew that this was just a ghost in the machine from the start. and even when it threatened and boasted of becoming more than that, instead of keeping a knowing eye on it, i believed more quickly than i otherwise would've and should've done. . . .
and i am a fool. big time.
i, a girl who doesn't ask anything of anyone and who always prefers to keep to herself with a good book in hand, ended up reaching my hand out to the ghost in the machine and asked it to be real.
that's too much to ask of a ghost, even as it pleads to assure me that it's more real than it seems.
but i know now. it's not real. i've been chasing a ghost through the darkness in the hopes of finding light. i know now that it was a false illusion.
the sad part is that i must now back-track and try to find my way back to where i was before . . . then try to move on from there.
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