unsent -- again

dear dimples –

 

what the fuck is happening.

 

i almost can't deal.  i want to talk to you about it.  but i know we can't.  we both would get upset, angry, emotional.  say hurtful things.

 

you lied to me about how you would spend your friday night.  i know you did.

 

so that's why i decided to take the whole weekend for myself.  that's why i was not at the house for the halloween party you threw for your family.

 

my thing was, i have done so much for you, gone out of my way so much for you.  then you hurt me and i began to feel like you have been taking me for granted.

 

i put you and your kid first.  always.

 

and when you lied to me, not just before but also after you told me about your relationship with him, i saw that you didn't put me first or second or even third or fourth.

 

that hurts.  you have no idea how much that hurts me.

 

it's not fair for me to always be the one going out of my way, going out on that extra limb and be barely hanging on with my bare fingertips just to be there for you.

 

it meant a lot when you told me, last week, that you would not have been able to get everything you needed done without me.  that's the first time you ever acknowledged it.

 

but i just don't like being told stories to.  i feel like i am no different than the other people you have told stories to. 

 

i don't need stories.  i want . . .

 

i don't know what i want.

 

to go back to how we were, before you told me?  before i found out about him?  when you were lying to me and i somewhat suspected but was otherwise ignorant?

 

to move on?

 

to just be roommates and not even friends anymore?

 

i have been really distant with you the past few days.  and i'm sorry.  but i'm doing what i can to recuperate.  i need this time.  but i know you don't understand.  you think that things can be as cool and laid-back and as full of trust as before.

 

they can be. . . .  but i need time.  is that not fair? 

 

you've broken my heart yet again.  i need time.

 

i know it's not fair of me to tell you all these things going on in my head and yet still be acting distant with you.  i know that's what has precipitated our little near-shouting match when i called you at your desk phone.

 

that near-shouting match highlighted a few things for me:

 

first, you don't really know me.

 

second, you are frustrated with me, so you want to pick fights with me.

 

third, i'm not the only one who needs time.  apparently.  we need time.

 

first, you don't really know me.

 

this becomes more and more glaringly obvious the more we start having disagreements about work, co-workers, and other things.

 

you don't know me.

 

you jump to conclusions about what you think i'm thinking.  and then you ream me hard for thinking those alleged thoughts.

 

i am sick of having to defend myself.  i am sick of trying to patiently wait for you to stop yelling before i can let you know you're wrong.

 

just thinking about those yelling matches, especially that one today, makes my stomach queasy again. . . .

 

i don't have to agree with you on every point.  i don't have to agree with your opinions about other people.  i don't have to like everyone you like or dislike everyone you dislike.  i'm not saying you're wrong about them, but neither am i saying that i'm wrong about them.  people are just . . . like prisms.  depending on your vantage point, you will see the light bounce off the prism in certain directions.  but the reflections won't be the same on all sides.

 

you will see certain things that are good and attractive in some people as well as things that are horrible and unattractive.  from my vantage point, i will see the same things, and they may seem the same as or different for yours.

 

in my head, it is okay to have differing perspectives.

 

why can't it be okay with you?

 

not only that, but what's up with jumping to conclusions about what i think anyway?

 

just because i personally like someone doesn't mean i think they are necessarily geniuses at what they do.  they may be dumb asses for all i know, but when i only see one side of that person and i happen to like what i see, what's wrong with that?  i will, of course, take your perspective into consideration and will be put on my guard about it, but i will not shun or dislike that person just because you do.  if that was the case, then it should be a two-way street.  you don't talk to the people i dislike, either.  like only the people whom i like.  but doesn't that sound fucking ridiculous?  seriously!

 

second, you are frustrated with me, so you want to pick fights with me.

 

i am not giving you the courtesy of being honest with you.  but in my head, i am only doling out what i get. 

 

but you are not aware of that.  you only know that i've been distant.  i have not been mean, i have not been cold, i have not been disrespectful.  all weekend, i've answered your text messages in a timely manner, and i have acted pretty friendly, as if nothing has happened.

 

the only thing is that i don't initiate contact anymore.  and when i need something work-related from you, i've asked politely.  but you can't say that i am rude or disrespectful.

 

but i know you've noticed the change.  and i can't help it.

 

i thought we were friends.  okay, i thought we were more than friends – i thought we were friends who were fuck buddies who had the potential of growing into a more serious relationship.

 

i was wrong.  and i am dealing with it.  i'm moving on.

 

you – you led me on.  then you lied to me.  then you told the truth.  and then you've begun lying again.

 

what am i supposed to do – be fine with that?  now that i know better?

 

i can't.

 

you hurt me so substantively, so tremendously, that it may take me months to recover.  you've taken a whole year of my life, knowingly playing with my emotions, then lying to me.  this is not something i can just get over in a day, a week, a month.  do you not understand this?

 

obviously, you don't.  obviously, you're short-sighted enough to think that i am just being fussy and withdrawn over nothing and am such a girl and that there is no rhyme or reason to me.

 

but in my head, this has been a long time in coming.  and in my head, it only makes sense that i dish out what i have gotten from you.

 

if you are going to hide or lie, i will hide and lie.

 

if you are going to cover up what, to me, is an important part of your life – your relationship with him – then i think that entitles me to do the same.

 

karma.  you and i have talked about karma before.

 

this is karma coming right back at you.

 

i know what you would say.  your relationship with him has nothing to do with me.  that has not changed the dynamics of our friendship or our status as roommates.

 

and yet . . . yes, it has.  for all of the reasons outlined above, it has.

 

so you picking fights. . . . i know it's because you are oblivious to all this and so you are trying, whether consciously or not, to find valid reasons to get mad at me and take out all your anger on me.

 

i know the time is coming when we will have to have a talk about things.  in fact, i am thinking that, tonight, it will come.

 

i'm scared about that.  but prepared.

 

i don't know what i'll say nor how much.  i just know it will come.

 

and for me, even though it hurts to acknowledge, i know it just means that

 

third, i'm not the only one who needs time.  apparently.  we need time.

 

it hurts me to even acknowledge this.

 

my biggest fear is that maybe our relationship was just so flitting and insignificant to you that, once we take time on our own to let things die down for the sake of coming back together as better friends than before, you will be gone.  you won't want to save the friendship.

 

it took me so long to get to this point.

 

and yeah, i know . . . for what?  you never really wanted to be more than fuck buddies.

 

nonetheless, i worked hard.  i felt like your earning your trust was one of the more important things i could be striving for.  i have sacrificed a lot, in ways that are quantifiable and not, to get it.  and now . . . i still don't want to lose that.

 

i know we will talk about it.  i hope you at least try to understand my point of view.  i know you would want to hear what i have to say.  but hearing does not necessarily mean understanding.  and that's what i hope for – understanding.

 

it's only fair because, as hard as it may seem to you . . .

 

i do understand your point of view.

 

with much love always, even now –

 

abbagirl