a day off from work

i have had a busy morning.

i ran three miles. went to visit my eye doctor. went to the tanning salon. all by 11:30 a.m.

dimples and i had made plans to take a trip out into the country along with her kid.

i had been reluctant about going. i did not want to go when she was still fresh from fucking that guy.

but after that heated argument she and i had a couple of days ago at work, i knew it would look bad if i didn't.

the heated argument was about him again. and me and her. i don't know if it really resolved anything, but we both had to get stuff out of our systems.

today, it looks like our plan for driving out into the country have fallen through, and it's a no-go. which sucks for me because i had come back to the house and am there right now. but at least i would not be carrying on the farce of pretending all is good and well when they no longer are.

she looks great today. very well put together. her skin flawless. when i went to take a shower to finally wash away all the sweat from my run this morning, i saw a vibrator in the shower stall. not just any vibrator, but the one she and i had bought together just half a year ago.

i don't want to know.

but apparently she had a good time with her man all night into morning.

i'm okay, though. i'm fine.

going running helped me a lot. it focused my mind away from the here and now, and all i concentrated on was maintaining the rhythm of my limbs, controlling my breathing, striving to last even longer -- just another five minutes, just another quarter of a mile, just another minute.

it was just the thing i needed after how my morning started out. i was in a cranky mood, and i got cut off by a car that refused to merge in behind me (i had been driving at a faster speed, with the flow of traffic). so i started honking the horn obnoxiously -- long blaring honks -- and flippin' the bird. and the smug-assed, obnoxious cunt who had cut me off slammed on her brakes right there in the middle of the road (this is a single lane, two-way road, by the way, with a 55 mph posted speed limit), and gets out of her car to yell at me. it was one of those black chicks with the long, fake nails that have gold detailing. she started yelling at me that we could take it to the side of the road if i wanted, and i yelled at her to get her dumb skanky bitch ass back in her car and get the fuck out of my way. she finally did so. but you can imagine the state i was in when she finally took off. the cunt then proceeded to drive along at less than 50 miles per hour, so i just kind of rode her ass for a while. seriously, if she can afford to cruise along at less than the posted speed limit, then why'd she cut me off in the first place, as if she had been in some great hurry? just ease your ass into the clear and empty spot right behind me!

fucking cunt.

so at the next four-way stop sign, less than half a mile away, i waited to see which way she would go. i was planning on making a left-hand turn so long as she just kept straight -- that way i would be rid of her skanky obnoxious ass forever. i think she was waiting for me, too. but finally she just headed straight, and then i turned on my left-turn signal and proceeded in that direction.

punk ass skanky piece of shit. what a waste of life and space.

yeah, anyhow -- so that's why the run was good for me.

the trip to the tanning salon was the best, though. i hadn't gone in about a year. and so i know i needed it. i needed the chance to simply lay back, be warmed, be embraced by the engulfing warmth, and let my mind relax.

it was great.

i let myself get into a deep state. in my mind, dimples was standing in front of me, with a knife in her hand, raised in the air to plunge in my torso, in my heart. with each breath in, i saw her arm raise up anew, and with each breath out, i saw the knife come streaking down at me towards my chest. but in my mind, each time that happened, the knife didn't penetrate the skin. instead, the knife's blade crumpled like paper upon contact with my skin, and i remained intact, whole, and alive.

i can do this. i can detach myself. i can let her try to hurt me, but i can also try to get myself to emerge unscathed.

i can control this. i can control how much i hurt and how much i let others get to me. i don't have to be the wounded animal every time.