stagnant

although i am now going outside my health services provider network in order to get therapeutic help, i still have to wait until my first appointment, which is scheduled for early next week. after doing research on therapists who do business in my general locale, i settled upon an older woman who looked nice and seemed like she'd be a good listener. her name is foreign-sounding, but when i talked to her on the phone, she had no accent. there was just something about her picture that i've fixed upon -- something intangible. i think it's because her eyes looked astute and alert.

after i settled upon this woman, i sent her an e-mail early in the morning, and she responded via telephone call when she got to her office early in the evening. she apparently has office hours only in the evening, which of course works for me.

even though it's been a few weeks now that my body and mind's been on this high-anxiety alert, i feel rather deadened. like, i'm already over it. these past few weeks of just stewing on my thoughts and emotions, with no outlet except for this blog, kind of has desensitized me to the problematic nature of my relationship with dimples. there are certain things i dread when i interact with her, and yet i'm so used to feeling that dread. and i have lost the urgent need to talk with someone about her . . . .

but i know i will anyway. i'm quite looking forward to my first visit with the new therapist. in our introductory conversation over the phone, she stated that she tends to see patients as frequently as once a week. i kind of winced when i heard that but said nothing. i have no intention of seeing her once a week. the website that i found this therapist on lists her customary fees as between $100-140. when i called her, i knew i would be forking over at least that, just for the sake of being able to talk to her. but i cannot afford to see her once a week.

the lengths i go to, to find a friendly, helpful ear. . . .

:-T

it is possible that, upon hearing my story, my therapist may coax me into the decision of leaving this house, of no longer being dimples' roommate.

believe me, i have entertained the thought.

but it'd be hard.

in one of our more recent heated discussions, dimples pretty much suggested it as well. she had tears in her eyes and her teeth were gritted, but she said the words, "maybe you should think about leaving. you can't handle me moving on with my life and seeing other people, and i can't handle having to worry about your feelings all the time. . . "

after we each had had our say and the heated discussion cooled off, i asked her simply, "do you really want me to move out? i can start getting my stuff together." and she said, "no."

so much baggage. so many emotions, all wrought out over one person. . . . what the fuck. what the hell.

i'm off work today. sick. been sick all this week. i had been looking forward to this particular week because i had requested thursday off previously, and with the furl0ugh day this friday, i would've been able to have a five-day weekend. i had been eager to hit the road and go somewhere -- anywhere. the destination wasn't as important as just the ability to get away. i wanted to get away from her, from here, from everything -- and just be on my own a while.

but coming down with flu symptoms since after my 5k run on saturday has slowed me down a lot. i'm better today and am looking forward to hitting the road later on today if not early tomorrow morning. but it was just not physically possible even as soon as yesterday.

of course, a part of me doesn't want to go anywhere. there is a nice long weekend -- a part of which i could be spending with dimples and her kid.

but i can't. i won't.

because while i'm spending those parts with them, another part of me will be wondering when. when is she going to spending time with him?

i know if i leave on my road trip tonight or tomorrow morning, i will never know for sure if she spent the weekend with him.

and yes, that possibility that they will be spending time together . . . bugs me. it shouldn't, but it does.

and yet that is even more reason for me to hit the road. right? if these thoughts are still in my mind, if i'm still feeling jealousy at the very thought of them together, then i just need to go and not look back. i need to learn to stop caring. i need to stop having my feelings tied so intricately to what she does, who she sees.

she's right. it is none of my business if she dates, who she dates.

i gotta let it go.

there are other worse things coming up around the bend for me to worry about -- studying for the february bar again and another major decision that i have to be making again pretty soon.

i cannot let myself be tied down by these petty human engagements.