irreparable

i am kind of fighting off a buzz right now. i have had -- mmmm, maybe three glasses of wine. i was done for midway through the second one. the third one was just a bonus. imagine me saying all that i am now going to say with a slur in my words. yes, i am that far gone.

talk about finding reasons to not be roommates. a reason has just pretty much fell in my lap.

of all the things to say. there are many things you could have said to finally put the nail in the coffin. there are ways of letting me down easy, and there are ways of letting me down hard. either way, those are ways of letting me down, period, whether easy or hard, and i would get the picture. but what you are saying makes no sense.

i am feeling very embarrassed. i am very close to tears. i don't want any words of i-told-you-so or i'm-sorry-but-it-had-to-be-done from you, dear readers. i know you have been saying it all along, and i have tended to nod and agree with you while still sustaining this hope, which probably means i actually did not listen to you at all nor pay attention to your words. but now, of all times, you don't have to say a word, and i already know what you are saying.

based on what was said tonight, i have no reason to be here at all. no reason, except by virtue of choice. i would be choosing to stay here, despite all else. i have had two therapists, now, tell me the same thing: "why are you still living there? it makes no sense, and it is only to your own detriment. you need to leave and take care of yourself."

i am actually fighting back tears right now. i never had tears before when i was writing about this. there were no need for tears. but i have them now. they are being wrenched from me.

if you want me to let it go and not be like this, why don't you stop doing this to me.

it just makes me wonder why i have gone so far above and beyond for you than what i would ever have done for someone who was just a friend. what makes you so special that i would want to do such things and that you would accept such gestures as just a friend. there has been a disconnect not only in how i saw and reacted to things but also you.

why? why . . . ?

my self-esteem . . . is kind of crushed. you can reason with me all you want, and take most or all of the blame onto yourself. but i still can't help but feel a setback for me, personally. a big one.

i was devastated before. but i feel even worse than that right now.