(dra/trau)ma

the past week was the most trying week ever.

i was put in the middle of things. i became the bad guy. i was speculated about. harrassed. put upon. stressed out.

it's as if all the years and time and energy and effort that i've put into being there for others, into appearing to be straight, in making sure that everyone else was cared for and not stressed out or over-worked finally began to take its toll.

and this is not like other times when i've felt this kind of set-back. during previous times of set-backs, when all the world seemed to be caving in on me, i would still feel, after a time, that things would go back to normal; that the drama would recede; that i could again be who i needed to be so that everyone else could go on living their lives without stress, without knowing, without feeling that i have let them down.

i'm not feeling like that this time around. this time, i'm feeling like there is no going back whatsoever. that something rather monumental has occurred and that i am now on shaky, new ground.

and i don't know if i can do this. i don't know if i can move forward onto this unfamiliar territory without losing or breaking something of myself.

i wish the people who have gotten me down can understand how i am feeling right now. i don't see myself as "ms. right" -- that is, someone who has all the right answers all of the time. rather, i see myself as "ms. right there" -- as in, no matter what you want or need, i will be right there to help you every step of the way.

thanks to the recent events of the past week, though, my role seems to have changed. no one seems to want anything to do with me. it's a real downer, especially since i have done nothing wrong.

nothing.

i'm still down about it, though. while i could certainly have gone about things a little more differently, i still did not do anything completely wrong. nonetheless, i have now become the enemy. and yes, it does make me sad and stress me out to think about.

and then, at work, some other kinds of drama erupted, too. i am not ready to even write about that drama here on my blog. but yes, it might have something to do with a couple of others who have guessed that i am gay. and yes, this, in and of itself, stresses me out quite a bit, too. i have never envisioned having to come out at work. at all. it has never been in my plan because i have always believed it to be nobody's business but my own. but a couple of enemies have guessed, and they have begun to make life hard for me. you can be sure that i am not keen on going back to work this week. . . .

this is not just drama.

it's trauma.

:-T