getting the message

i'm sick of these anticipatory feelings i have towards dimples.

it's all her fault, though. i hope she feels guilty about it.

i have been pretty cool, for the past few months, with the notion that when she and i do hook up, it doesn't mean anything more than what it is. it is purely physical. she has needs, just like everyone else. and when these needs begin to rear their head, and if i am around, and if she has also had a drink or two under her belt, then she starts being physically affectionate with me. and one things leads to another and . . . .

that's just how it has been.

i have been fine with it, though. i let myself get attracted to other girls. i know dimples isn't going to be someone i will be in a long-term monogamous relationship with.

but it's weird now because . . . . i feel like a toy that has lost its luster.

the last couple of times that we have gone out drinking together, nothing has happened. she no longer starts feeling me up after having her second or third drink. she is completely platonic with me.

it is actually impacting my ego pretty directly.

and the last time we went out, i think a week or so ago, i threw caution to the wind and started trying to be affectionate with her. she let me kiss her neck and cheek, but when i moved over to her lips, she just gave me a polite peck on the lips and pulled away.

when she did that, i started keeping my distance.

but later on that night, when she was completely fucked up, she tried to persuade me to go to a strip club with her and said she would buy me my first ever lap dance. i tried to demur; i didn't want a lap dance. but, she said, slurring her words, "that would be so hot. that would turn me on to see another girl in your face. you will find it so hot. i want you to be so turned on and wet before we go home and i fuck you."

of course, when we got to the strip club, though, she had changed her mind. it was already 2 or 3 in the morning. she was about ready to pass out in my passenger seat. she was fucked up and almost conked out.

whatever, dude.

then yesterday, we made some impromptu plans. if she would find a sitter, we were going to steal out of town really quickly at night, to reno, hang out there, eat decadent food, play some craps, then steal back to town right around dawn.

of course, she couldn't find a sitter. she didn't start trying to find a sitter until after i had done what i could to finish all my important errands for the day and start trying to get ready to go. and then it came to pass that none of her usual potential sitters could help out. so we didn't go.

when she called me on the phone later to tell me why the plans had fallen through, she promised we would try to go to reno again some time in the future. and stay overnight there. and just when i thought she meant that it would be just her and me there -- with, of course, my mind going dirty -- she mentioned that it would be fun to invite a mutual friend of ours from work along with us.

and that's when i finally realized.

whatever.

but i guess this is what i get for being so damned passive. being passive, i let everyone take advantage of me. they feel me up, they fuck with my mind and body, they overwhelm my security. and just when i think i like being dominated in that way, they pull back and discard me, and i'm just left standing there going "wtf?! huh?! what did i do!"

so okay, i am now undesirable. then fuck you. i'm going to stop being around for you now. i'm going to stop going out of my way for you.

i'm going to stop caring.

punk.