abbagirl: creating imaginary fireworks

it bugs me. it really does.

i shouldn't care.

but i really want to know, for sure. . . .

is dimples out on a date right now? is she seeing someone right now and not even telling me about it?

or is this my hyper-active, unbelievably jealous imagination just going wild based on no evidence, tangible or intangible?

i'm wondering because i saw her before she went out to meet a friend. it was almost 11 p.m. she was freshly showered and smelled nice. she had re-done her hair and re-applied her make-up. she looked great.

who is she meeting? for whom is she putting forth this extra effort?

i really want to know.

i don't know if it is healthy for me to be in this situation. it's just been heinous.

today, since it was the last day of the work-week, was casual-dress day. so i totally dressed down. i wore my favorite citizens of humanity dark jeans and just a grey ribbed tank underneath a cropped white vest that hugged my torso. i generally never associate tank tops with casual dress days at work, but i've noticed a lot of people tend to wear tanks or sleeveless tops every day of the week anyway at the office, so i threw caution to the wind and did manage to get away with it. it's a tank, so it does expose a lot more skin than regular work-wear does. and i know i looked good. and dimples made a comment about it. she didn't use any flirty pick-up line or anything. but i did notice her check me out, and she also mentioned casually that a certain male co-worker of ours, whom we had just been laughing about, had probably been smitten with me because of what i was wearing.

nothing overt, nothing sexual, nothing flirtatious.

so i'm at the point right now where i'm just looking for signs to reinforce that we are supposed to be platonic friends. nothing more, nothing less -- ever.

she's rejected my physical overtures. she has made every indication that we are not going to be intimate again.

well, fine.

then stop giving me those looks.

stop leading me on.

stop being jealous when i bring up a certain female co-worker's name.

yes, there are one or two women at work -- who are out and proud -- whom she has tended to express jealousy of whenever we happen to talk about them.

one of the women, she has no reason to be jealous of whatsoever.

the other one, though . . . . if she didn't already have a girlfriend, i would definitely enjoy a chance to hang out with her and get to know her better outside the work-place.

there is just a certain chemistry between the both of us. we both are rather intuitive. she is older than me -- by 10, 15 years. but she doesn't look it. unless you are up close to her to see the kind, smiling wrinkles on her face, you'd think she was in her 30s. she's an athlete, an avid runner, and has a physique to match. the instant we met and started talking with each other, we bonded immediately. i'm attracted to her, and i know she is to me, too. the fireworks go off between us when we talk, even if we're just talking about running, the weather, or work. but i would never cross the line, since she already has a girlfriend -- who is pregnant to boot.

so i just enjoy the fireworks. and i know she does, too.

i've been totally honest with dimples about my fascination with this other woman. i know she gets jealous sometimes, and i have to admit that i get satisfaction from that; if she's going to be hurting me, then i don't mind returning the favor.

i dunno. . . .

the other night, fireworks texted me. it was 10:30 p.m. we texted for about an hour. good-natured, fun, innocent (sort of) texting. our texts were about events of the day, and we also made plans to have lunch early next week.

but i did feel a twinge. was it appropriate for her to be texting me so late? where was her girlfriend? her pregnant girlfriend? fireworks is a genuinely good person, and i find her fascinating and delightful. but sometimes when the fireworks fly, i get the distinct impression that, to her, her girlfriend is ultimately no barrier between her and me.

i don't know if i'm just flattering myself by saying that . . . . but that's my impression.

i haven't told that to dimples, though. while i often teasingly mention fireworks' name, or the name of the other woman who is in love with me, just to get a rise out of her, i haven't told her that last part about what i sense about fireworks. i don't want to create even more of a monster. . . .

either way, this can't be good. i'm at home now, wondering what is going on with dimples -- who she is seeing, what she is doing, for whom she got so dolled up for, what she expects to come from the evening.

i guess . . . i still want her to want me. like i still want her.