it's been busy. i've been involved with a lot of things and a lot of people, all while trying not to immerse myself too much. i try to remain detach, regardless of how much i've got going on and how much people come to expect of me. i guess it's my way of saying that, while i do such-and-such for them, i won't do anything more.
this has been my year of giving. i've been giving a lot. more than usual. mostly, it's been time that i've given away. but i've also given away quite a bit of money. i think i could be weathering the furloughs better if i didn't have so many give-aways. no – i know i could be weather the furloughs better. but at the same time, i know what it's like to be poor. to have nothing. so when i see someone i know and care about struggling to make ends meet, i can't help but to step in and, if they let me, contribute whatever i can.
each time this has happened this year, though, i tell myself that it'll be the last time. that i can't do anymore. that i've given as much as i could and that i cannot possibly, whether i want to or not, give anymore.
but then something always happens to make this resolve go down the toilet. and i find myself giving. again. and again. and again.
the latest instance of this is one that really peeves me, though. like, more than the previous instances. because it is to someone really undeserving. someone who takes gifts for granted. i wouldn't do this if my mom hadn't asked me to. but by doing this, i'm also helping my mom. and as we know, i'd do anything for my mom.
and so it goes.
i think i'm starting to be a little more set in my ways. i don't go out of my way to kiss ass anymore. i'm likeable, yes. and many people unequivocally find me charming. but i don't try to like everyone anymore.
it's those people whom i do like or care about who are my downfall. my weakness is in how much i care. when you give freely, people take it for granted that it comes easy to you. for instance, if i loan – or, rather, give – money, they tend to think that, because you give it so freely, that you must have plenty of it. but i'll take some of the blame for that; silence makes me complicit, and i'm always silent about how resentful i otherwise feel about giving so much and so "freely."
but really, i can't do anymore. dude. when i realize just how much people take me for granted, that's when i start wanting to punch people's lights out. like, right now, i have this fantasy in my head about telling off the person my mom asked me to help. but i feel like i'm entitled to, if only because the person will be taking my money. and the person, in return, is required to listen and not talk back or otherwise talk smack to me. shut up and listen, or you won't get one red cent.
ungrateful, selfish piece of shit.
*sigh* there is a lot of back-story to this. much more than i want to give. let's just say that i'm sick of giving to this person because she has a sense of entitlement that affects more than one person and that has reared up on more than one occasion (more like one hundred).
punk.
you're welcome.
>:-(
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