naked

i had the most heinous day today. it was to the point where my boss decided to send me home about an hour earlier than usual and wouldn't take no for an answer.

the crux of the entire shenanigans that took place was the use of me as a pawn. a pawn for power play. a pawn in the game of status quo vs. change. is it change for the better or change for the worse? i can't say and can't tell. but i don't need that. i don't need to be in the mix of that.

i'm a lowly employee. why can't these people just remember that? i'm an automaton. i take orders and i get things done. if i wanted to think or make decisions or take responsibility for important major decisions, i'd -- well, i'd have passed the bar and become a full-fledged attorney by now, wouldn't i?

:-T

so that stressed me out. it was about a 2+ hour experience of just sitting in a meeting and hearing everyone speak oh-so-glowingly about me while also trying to maneuver me as a pawn into place.

i don't want to be in meetings like that. i don't like that. i don't get why these kinds of games and these kinds of wranglings have to be done. i don't understand why there can't just be some direct and honest dialogue. so it left me feeling all wired and strung out by about 4 p.m.

my boss had been privy to the whole thing, and indeed was part of why i ended up feeling the way i did. he seemed to understand that emotions were roiling in me, and so he sent me home early. i tried to protest a little, but i felt my emotions getting raw and knew i'd be of no use at the office anymore anyway. so i followed his order and packed up my stuff and left.

other stuff happened in the midst of that, too. but not ready to write about that yet.

anyhow. about an hour ago, i finally joined a popular social networking site, one that requires the input of one's real name and real facts. i'm already starting to regret joining the site a little now -- but at the same, a few people and i have added each other to our friends' list already, so might as well just give it a chance, maybe a week or so, and see how it goes.

yes, it's hard to re-connect with those friends of mine from law school. just hard. the state i graduated law school from has a bar passage rate of almost 90%, so most of my old friends from law school have been practicing attorneys since we graduated. i am the only one of three or four hold-outs who haven't passed. . . .

but i need to grow up about it. can't keep hiding forever. and that's one of the reasons that prompted me to sign up for the site. i need to just buck up and face facts and have faith that those people who were my friends during the most difficult years of my educational experience don't judge my worth on that one test and will continue to be my friends.

so this is that test. ugh. but it's a test that really required me to take several deep breaths before i could go through with it. . . . however, 'tis done now. and while i am starting to see why everyone and their moms are fans of this site, i'll keep myself in check and play it by ear and see how it goes.

it's such a healing process, being a chronic bar exam failure. or maybe it's just me. but . . . it's just hard to face the world in your full naked glory, without shame, when you feel like you have so many ugly blemishes.

:-T