at a family gathering today

uncle: so who are you dating?

me: *deer-caught-in-headlights look*

uncle: *teasing, taunting loud voice* is it a guy or a girl?

me: *annoyed, dirty look*

uncle: *continuing in teasing, taunting voice* it's okay -- it's 2009 now. you can COME OUT now at ANY TIME.

me: *flushed, flummoxed, and annoyed -- and hoping that no one heard and that those who did will not take the comments seriously*

LATER . . . .

same uncle: so are you going to take that exam again?

me: *short tone* i don't want to talk about that.

aunt nearby: *giggling at my response*

uncle: *giving a nudge and saying quietly* don't give up.

--------------------------------------------

two different exchanges from the same uncle today.

this is an uncle who used to bully and taunt me when i was younger. we are close in age and so we were brought up almost as siblings. i still remember those times growing up with him with resentment. he was mean.

and today, in one day, he showcased certain attributes that make me recall how mean he was -- and yet he kind of made up for it by telling me not to give up on that bar exam.

what a way to mess with someone's feelings.

the aunt who giggled actually giggled at me twice today. both times, her giggles were for the same reason: when i stone-cold said i did not want to talk about the bar exam when asked point-blank about it.

this uncle of mine, i'm feeling all sorts of mixed emotions about him right now. he's hurt me, embarrassed me, exposed me, made me feel vulnerable, and yet then sympathized and consoled me -- all in one sitting.

fuck him. it's fucked up. he's fucked up. he should just shut the fuck up and leave me alone. and fuck everyone else.

just let me be.