no one in my family -- no one -- ever asks me about my love life.
on the one hand, this is, obviously, a good thing. that means i don't have to scramble to come up with some fib about who i'm seeing. it means i can be left in peace and not be required to lie or cover anything up.
but on the other hand, it just makes me wonder: aren't they even curious?
:-T
my mom and i are close, and we like -- or she likes, rather -- to speculate on my other sisters' love lives. who are they seeing? what's the boy like? is the relationship serious? are they ever really going to settle down and get married?
through all of our speculations, none of the questions ever get directed to me. i don't really field questions of, "so what about you, abbagirl? are you seeing someone? aren't you ever going to settle down and get married?"
relatives used to ask me this question -- right after i finally came home and had moved back from the mormon state. "so do you have a boyfriend? do you want to meet someone? i know a guy who's been wanting to meet you." to these questions, i would quietly demur, then quickly try to change the subject. i was always successful in deflecting those questions whenever they came my way.
but it's been a few years now since i've been back in the golden state, and those questions don't come to me anymore.
why is that? i'm curious. is there meaning to be read from these silences, these omissions? is it because my family really doesn't want to go there, for fear of having the truth be actualized and spoken? or do they believe me to be completely asexual, a virginal flower, a chastely proper girl for life?
i don't know why i'm wondering this. not being ready to come out to my family and deal with the resulting repercussions, i.e., stigma, disgust, confusion, befuddlement, shame, etc., i should be glad that my love life is left in the dark and neither spoken of nor alluded to.
it gets pretty claustrophobic, though, not being out. i'm only out to a handful of people in the world, and when i'm not with them, i have to put up a front so that no one would ever even guess.
there are days, though, when i think it would be awesome to just do away with these safely guarded secrets and knock down the wall that i use to protect myself from the world (or the world from myself) and just let loose. i think it would make me feel amazingly free to just do something crazy and unusual -- like shave all my hair off, get all tatted up like kat von d., and let my renegade dyke self come out.
the thing that holds me back, though, is . . . i think i'd immediately miss long hair -- and being the quiet good girl.
:-T
6 comments:
Great post, abbagirl.
I think asian people are more prone to silence when it comes to uncomfortable topics. I am out to my parents and select relatives...but for the ones who don't know, I have also noticed that their inquiries of "when are you going to get a boyfriend?" (I have always replied the same way--I am too busy with school/work to have a boyfriend; this earns bonus points with asian people and also stops any further questions) have all but ceased. I can only think that this is because they know the obvious now and just don't bring it up anymore.
Your thoughts of being closeted have got me thinking...first, I am completely impressed. It is not easy to hide something for this long. Secondly, I sometimes wonder what my life would be like had I not come out. Most of the hard conflicts in my life usually surround me being a lesbian and it's always over how my parents or partner function together. It gets frustrating because sometimes I get exasperated and think to myself "wow, if I were just closeted, I wonder if life would be easier?" I suppose this is a silly question because of course, life is hard regardless.
these are great insights, c.w. do you have a blog? if so, share with me! if not, you need to; you write your thoughts out so well. :)
i have to say congratulations on being out to your parents and some relatives. you're already a hundred steps ahead of me! it's hardest coming out to one's parents, which is why i have not done it (yet?), so the fact that you're able to be that honest with them about who you are . . . well, you're a much better person than i am. :)
thanks so much for your comment. it really has given me lots of food for thought. can't believe i've remained in the closet so long myself! but on one hand, while it's hard to keep up the charade, on the other hand, it's practically second nature at this point. but . . . am just waiting for that moment when i feel ready to tell my folks about it. the thing is . . . how do you know when you're ready?
:-T
abbagirl!
I have been reading your post recently and love it. You are so innovative.
Take the bar, we all know stupid who have passed. You obviously are not one of them.
YOU CAN DO IT! '
anonymous, you totally just made my day with your comments. thanks so much for your words. :) xoxoxox!!
You are very welcome!
Take the bar again when you are ready. I wrote the little bio about my life in your early post.
You can and will do it.
"Aspire to be"
Thanks, abbagirl. I actually used to keep up a blog...but haven't done so in many years. I enjoy writing quite a bit, but since law school, I have neglected it. That, is where you are a better person than I am. ;)
On coming out, I don't think you can EVER be "ready" for that kind of thing (sadly, this is precisely how I feel about taking the bar exam each time). That is to say, only a sadist would wake up and say to themselves "wow, today is a perfect day to let my asian parents know that their daughter won't be marrying a piano/violin/cello-playing surgeon/lawyer." I think the closest that one can come to that is to wake up one day and feel like you are just tired of lying. Tired of making up stories...tired of changing the subject...just tired. I suppose this is akin to a rite of passage of sorts, like when my mom now (in her 50's) just feels like she has reached a point in her existence where she doesn't need to justify herself anymore...to anyone. So, to me, it is never about feeling ready. It is just feeling like you are done with running. Of course, like I mentioned...coming out to your family will most certainly set off a new series of complications and struggles. However, you will find satisfaction in knowing that these struggles will be of a different quality.
I wish I could interact with you more than via these little comment boxes. Maybe I should start a blog...however, I fear that it would just fall into neglect again. I usually am on the typical myspace/facebook/other evils of productivity.
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