i'm starting to get paranoid.
a part of me is afraid to know and to share what the news is because i have this image in my head of people secretly laughing at me. people who may appear to be my friends and seem to have my best interests at heart but who secretly actually harbor an uncontained joy at seeing my face splattered with pie.
this shouldn't be about passing or failing.
it should be about whether i maintain sanity, a sense of equilibrium, and remain unchanged, regardless of whether i pass or fail. the core of me, my sense of being, should bend and sway with each gust of wind, but it ultimately should not be altered in any way.
whether i'm a lawyer, or whether i'm not, i'm still me. whether something does or does not occur, i am not to be redefined. i will continue to be as i am.
i just got home from the gym, where i participated in a one-hour yoga class.
i'm now going to take a hot shower and unwind.
and then i'm going to read my mail.
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8 comments:
I have been following your blog for only less than a week and found it after the results came out last Friday. I too failed February only to find that I failed again this July.
I think I speak for the ENTIRE lesbian CA bar exam taking population when I say that someone who speaks of cunnilingus with such passion definitely DESERVES to pass. I share your same cunnilingus philosophies and was a little mortified that you would so publicly post what I regard as a trade secret, but I found it a joy to read your blog. :)
Also, I wanted to add that in thinking about your situation with dimples/love/dating (and in many ways, with the bar exam itself) I wanted to share my favorite movie quote from Adaptation: "You are what you love, not what loves you."
So screw those sadistic fucks at the Cal Bar Committee and just open that sucker and accept what is already written on the page. I am hoping that what you read will give you peace one way or another.
Abbagirl....
Alas, the decision is already made. Putting off knowing will not make a difference... except to me, cuz I'm dying over here! Look already and tell us! Disallow the social pressure and bullshit that tries to make you feel like these results are a measure of your worth as a human being. That is bullshit and we all know it. Nothing will be different after knowing, none of us will think differently of you. You are awesome and no matter what the answer, own your fabulousness!
Abbagirl....
Alas, the decision is already made. Putting off knowing will not make a difference... except to me, cuz I'm dying over here! Look already and tell us! Disallow the social pressure and bullshit that tries to make you feel like these results are a measure of your worth as a human being. That is bullshit and we all know it. Nothing will be different after knowing, none of us will think differently of you. You are awesome and no matter what the answer, own your fabulousness!
stoopid sticky computer buttons... sorry for the double post!
hi abbagirl,
thanks for the response to my previous post.. it is just a bullshit subjective exam.. a pain in the ass but still no relation to being a great attorney.
i've talked to a lot of people who passed after 3 plus times through my document review job.. let me know if you give it another go IF you didn't pass this time (suspense!) and I will pass the advice along.
best,
ashley
Dear Bar Candidate soon to be ESQ,
I took the bar so many times I lost count. I graduated in 2000 and began my 8 year "job" of not passing. But in the duration, I bought a house, buried my beloved father, had two kids (one is five the other 3)and found out I had cancer 18 ago. And all along I kept taking the damn bar. I had eight rounds of chemo and 40 days of radiation. I was a complete mess, but I took the bar again because I wanted to pass for me.
I was tired of people asking me if I was taking the bar or if I passed. It was darm irritating. This time it was different, I decided to tell everyone I got a full time job. It worked! The pressure of passing was no longer burdensome. My Mom watched my youngest (he was 3) and the oldest one went to summer camp for four hours. I studied hard and focused. I always remembered that even if I didn't pass NO ONE KNEW I WAS TAKING IT.
Well, I passed and you will too. I still haven't told anyone that I passed. I will eventually let it slip up and then they can go home and check calbar.org to check because my name will be there.
Food for thought
.
Dear Abba Girl,
I am so sorry. Were you close because if you were you might want to recalculate your scores because they do make mistakes.
The Journey of a thousand miles begins with one step...
Dear Abba Girl,
I am so sorry. Were you close because if you were you might want to recalculate your scores because they do make mistakes.
The Journey of a thousand miles begins with one step...
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