no, i don't know when i'll take it again.
no, i certainly am not planning to take the february 2009 exam right now.
no, i'm not as upset about it as i have been at other times.
but no, i don't want to talk about it, either.
some of you have left me the most thoughtful and encouraging comments and messages. i sincerely thank you for your words. and while i don't know when, or even if, i'll be taking the california bar again, your words haven't fallen on deaf ears. thank you for the encouragement.
in the meantime, i've come to a realization.
the pride and enjoyment i currently take from my job, my desire to go to graduate school -- these are all cop-outs. it is so easy to take pleasure in the things that come relatively easier to me than others. and while i still do love my job and still do want to be in graduate school to get my ph.d., a dream i've had since high school, they are still distractions from the fact that i'm a nothing but a
i am nothing until i pass the bar exam. everything else, even graduate school, is second rate until or unless i pass it. thereafter, i could say fuck you to the entire legal profession and the whole construct of law. but until then, to say such things is merely to be spiteful. until then, i have no right to say anything.
i'm glad i can find jobs in which i can be appreciated for my skills and personality, as i have been lucky to do so far. and i'm grateful that i was able to get admitted into only one of eight graduate programs i applied to. i appreciate having a family that has accepted my failings without loving me any less and who care enough about me to either not talk about the bar exam when i don't feel like talking about it or even if i obviously don't want to talk about it, still telling me to not be so defeated and to try to take the fucker again and again until i do pass.
i just need to continue trying to figure out what it is i'm not getting right . . . .
i didn't study very much for this last one. i'm the first to admit it. i did score higher on the essays this time around than the last time i took the bar exam. my mbe score remained the same -- low. my multi-state essay scores were all over the board. but my performance test scores remained the same -- high.
i don't remember what the multi-state essay questions were. but when i review them, i'll have a better idea of which topics are my stronger ones and which are weaker.
but . . . i dunno.
whatever.
we'll see what i decide to do.
