back to good

craziness.

 

i haven't really had a decent moment to myself for reflection.  i'm either too busy or too . . . dead tired.

 

life has gotten into kind of a steady pattern.  i grudgingly crawl out of bed in the morning after hugging and kissing my dog good morning, then we both get started on our day.  i get to work, sometimes on time, sometimes just a tad bit late, slaver over my desk, b.s. with my close co-worker friends, and when it's time to go home, i wind my way, slowly but surely, back home with my zune playing random tunes through the car stereo.  when i get home, i'm often grumpy and tired, but the love and excitement that my dog greets me with makes it all worth the while, and the flickering warmth of love for her spreads through me to mellow my mood.  then i hit the hay, and the whole routine starts anew the next day.

 

the only wrench in the routine is the fact that i have been hacking and coughing non-stop for almost a week now.  i came down with the flu some time last week, and i was able to come to work and plow through feelings of wooziness and fever last tuesday and wednesday, but come thursday, my body'd had enough, and i asked my boss if i could take the day off from noon to five.  he was totally cool with it.  i also took friday off.  seriously, flu season sucks.  now, i'm stuck with a hoarse throat and frenetic fits of coughing, so for the most part, i am trying to lay low and keep to myself in my own cube.

 

work is just busy, though.  but the pace is good.  it's been good enough and just tiring enough to make me forget that an important day is coming up mid-way through the month of november. . . .

 

and then, of course, there is that decision i have of whether to move out of state or not and go to school. . . .

 

seriously.  what a time for me right now.

 

:-T

 

dimples and i are good.  just friends.  it was kind of weird at first.  we were both tentative.  for my part, i just did not know how to act or what to say.  but we have quickly fallen into a rhythm.  we are friends, and we are rather close friends.  and yet we are rather limited as well.  there are just certain things we don't talk about or joke about anymore.  and yet we still have great conversations and care about each other, and we always know what the other is generally feeling.

 

so another way of phrasing things is things are just the same between us.  and yet different.  yet not so different that it has hampered our friendship.  if that makes sense.

 

yet there are moments when she looks at me, and our gazes hold together for a few heavy seconds. . . .  and it is a look in her eyes that i have seen before, when we were together.  and yet when that look comes over her face, there is nothing i can do or say.  even if i wanted to do or say something, though, the look is gone just as quickly as it arrived.  and i'm sure she has caught me with the same look on my face, too.

 

what can you do?

 

:-T

 

anyway, i've decided that there is nothing wrong with how i treat relationships.

 

i think there is nothing wrong with being in love with most people i've ever had any kind of meaningful or intimate relationship with.

 

to be in love with someone, for me, is to not only see right through to the heart of a person but also be able to have your own heart merge with hers, too.  and even if the merging happens only briefly, it's still okay to feel a meaningful and moving effect from that contact.

 

i see the good in everyone.  it is what allows me to continue to appreciate and forgive them even if they've treated me like shit.  if i find something about them to love, then no matter what, i'll always come back to that feeling and everything else falls away, forgiven even if not forgotten.

 

so yeah.  maybe i was kind of in love with dimples.

 

and i am thinking that, while this may make me a total sentimentalist . . . .

 

there might not be nothing wrong with that at all.

 

:-T