not tonight

it's about 9 p.m. right now, as i'm starting this post.

i haven't checked yet.

and i don't want to.

call me stupid. call me an idiot. but i don't care.

i'm not looking. not tonight.

this contrasts with earlier times. during each of those prior times, on each designated day, i could barely wait for the appropriate digits on the clock to appear.

6:00 p.m.

then, like thousands of other rabid persons, i would immediately go through the necessary motions to see whether my time had arrived, eyes nervously glued to the computer screen, heart palpitating. and when i saw that the fates had not been kind, i would believe there was some error -- perhaps i inputted incorrect data, perhaps i ought to try again. . . .

only to find there was no mistake.

i'm done.

i'm over that.

it's been three hours since "it" arrived. and unlike those times before, unlike the thousands of other rabid persons who went through the necessary motions today, i did not.

one of my best friends suggesting going out for drinks after work.

and i accepted.

and now i'm here at home.

a part of me wants to know.

but another part of me wishes to refrain from knowing.

perhaps it's best if i don't.

you see, i'm fine with how things are going right now. my life is good.

i make decent living wages. i enjoy my work. i look forward to going to the office each and every day to perform my duties and to see the faces of people whose company i have come to enjoy. life is tranquil -- predictable, yet not; full of routine, yet also interesting and full of motivating forces that continue to keep my attention roused and piqued.

why ruin this?

why ruin this with disappointment?

i'm sure i will check on things. i'm sure i will, in fact, go through the necessary motions that thousands of other rabid persons have already done this evening.

but not yet.

i want to continue enjoying this feeling of contentment i have finally earned with my life right now. i want to continue holding on to the hope that i have that i will some time soon earn my living using the skills i've worked long, hard, and asiduously to develop; the hope that i have that my time has come.

i don't want it all to come crashing down just yet and see that i still haven't come close to achieving that.

plus, there's just something fucked up about how this shit is done.

you give me a specific date and time and expect me to drop everything and hover anxiously about the computer until the appropriate time comes, like i have nothing better to do, nothing more to live for? i'm supposed to be your little slave bitch and have my emotions tied to something stupid and lame and insignificant as this?

hell no.

this time, i'll do things on my own time, thank you very much.

asshole.

fucker.

piece of shit.

smelly chode.

fuck you.

i'm not a slave to the machine. i'll do things when i'm ready, not when you tell me to. my terms, not yours.

so tomorrow. . . .

maybe i'll check on things tomorrow.

the alcohol i consumed tonight has made me drowsy. i'm off to bed.