chill-axed

i've begun receiving a number of materials in the mail pertaining to grad school – letters of welcome, housing information, financial aid notices, etc.  i can begin registering for classes for spring semester quite soon – in just a couple of weeks, actually.

 

craziness.

 

i'm tempted to go.  and i'm tempted to stay.  i'm tempted to plunge into the unknown.  and i'm tempted to remain here in the known.

 

ambivalence.

 

i'm such an ambivalent, open-minded pea-brain that i just really can't stand it.

 

:-T

 

i got back from florida this past sunday.  my mom picked me up from the airport, and then we had dim sum for lunch.  it was delish!  but i was exhausted.  i had only gotten a couple hours of sleep before getting up at 3 a.m. to finish up my packing and then heading to the airport for my 6 a.m. flight.  i'm still kind of tired today, but work has been stimulating and hectic enough for me to find motivation to shake off the exhaustion and get shit done.

 

in florida, i spent about three of my afternoons there lazing around on the beach.  it was just great.  i love the sun.  the temperature high was about 80 degrees, and the sea also brought in some gusts.  i enjoyed it immensely.

 

this week marks the first time that bar results are imminent and i'm not freaking out about them.  i still have my eye warily affixed onto the date.  and my heart still skips a beat when i think about it.  but at the same time, i'm not obsessed with results anymore.  it's just . . . there.

 

i'm content with my job.  sure, i'm totally over-qualified.  and sure, i could've ended up in a job like this without having pursued the extra education.  people say things happen for a reason. . . .  i'm not sure i believe in the fates like that.  but i will say that allegedly being over-qualified for this job has begun to pay off for me, reputation-wise.  i just learned yesterday that a lot of the big cheeses have begun singing my praises because of the fact that i've been working extra long and hard for them while my boss has been out of the office. 

 

it's just good to know that i've made myself become a valuable asset.

 

:-T

 

sometimes when some of my good friends here at the office gripe about their job, even as i commiserate with them, i have to wonder how hard they've been trying, if at all, to not only ensure they do good work but also that they cultivate positive relationships.  it's not that i purposely set out to have good relationships with everyone i meet.  in fact, i'm quite short and abrupt and unfriendly with those who have rubbed me the wrong way or whom i can't stand, period.  but nonetheless, it's not hard to put forth the effort to ensure that i'm satisfied with the job and that everyone else above me is satisfied with my work, too.  i take great personal pride in it.  it's like making sure you carefully tend to your garden so that every blossom, every fruit blooms to its fullest and most beautiful.  like, in my eyes, don't complain about stuff if you haven't given it your all and at least tried to make things work.

 

ya know?

 

anyhow.

 

one thing about my trip to florida last week that was really helpful for me was not only the chance to hang out on the beach and add some color to my otherwise-pale, winter hide – but also a chance to get dimples out of my system.

 

and you know, i did manage to get her out of my system.

 

i'm so detached and free of any residual feelings for her that i feel like i'm a brand new person already.  like, i still care about her, care about our friendship, care about her family and her kid.  and yet . . . .

 

that's all.

 

nothing more, nothing less.

 

:-T

 

i get a different sense from her, though.  i feel like she, too, cares about me.  but although nothing has been said, and we have never broached the topic of that brief relationship we had, i can still feel the depth of her emotions for me.  when she and i are alone together, her nearness to me feels like a deep chasm.  i can approach it and peer into it, but i don't fear it.  i don't fear falling into it.  it's just so different from how i was just a few weeks ago, when i was still wanting desperately for us to try it again. . . .

 

:-T

 

the thing is, i realize she's not my type whatsoever.  and it is for so many different reasons.  yes, she's attractive.  yes, she has an amazing scent that i enjoy catching a whiff of when i can.  but she's not my type.  she's not someone i think i could be with as a long-term thing.

 

as for her, i think she'd rather not do anything more.  like, i know she wants to be in a relationship.  but i don't expect her to do anything more to restart anything.  she has pretty good self-control. 

 

it's just interesting.

 

anyhow, this has been a great week.  i've learned that the big cheeses love me, i'm freshly rested thanks to a five-day trip to the sunshine state, my skin has a summery glow to it . . . .

 

things are good.

 

OH.  WAIT.  SHIT.

 

bar exam results tomorrow.

 

FUCKER!

 

O_o