a night in the dual life of the girl no one really knows

i was standing at the crowded bar, leaning on the bar top, waiting for the bartender to notice me and take my order: a vodka cranberry for my friend and a cosmo for me. i had volunteered to go to the bar to get the drinks. there were four of us girls there, and we had gone to this bar, our second of the night, to meet up with another group of people, one of my friends' friends.

it was about 10:30 p.m., and since it was a friday, the place was already packed to the brim. i was wearing a patterned evening dress – a new one. i had liked the colors and also the way the straps criss-crossed at my back. it was cut rather low in a vee – like, the vee actually went below my line of cleavage. i was kind of self-conscious about it – yet i quickly forgot about it. hell, at least i had cleavage! my cleavage tends to make appearance perhaps only once every three years, so i have to appreciate it when it does pop up.

anyway, there was hardly any room at the bar to move, and a couple of people jostled me as they tried to get in closer to the bar. but i held firm, tried not to give up any more space than necessary (which was kind of hard, since i don't have much muscle mass), and patiently waited. after a few minutes, i felt something warm and soft nudge my left elbow. i took no notice of it, thought it was just another body bumping into me to make room for itself. but the warm softness persisted at my elbow, so i had to glance over to see what was going on.

first, i looked down at my elbow. i found (to my appreciation, of course) that there was someone's right breast pressing into my arm. it was about a C size – certainly not as small as my Bs. i then let my eyes roam up and found the face of the breast's owner smiling apologetically at me. because everyone at the bar was kind of jammed in with each other, her face was close to mine – closer than i'd expected, actually – and i saw that her eyes were dark. the faint bluish glow from the soft lamps overhead and playing across the back mirrors of the bar made the eyes seem darker than it otherwise would've been under natural light.

"excuse me," i murmured, as i drew in my elbow to give her room more access to the bar. and no, i wouldn't have given up that space if i did not find her attractive. :)

she was a pretty brunette girl who wore a purple halter-top dress and a silver necklace that caught glints of the soft blue light. she also wore some shiny bangles on her wrist. i tried not to stare too openly at her lips, but i had already noticed that they were an eye-catching pair that daringly shimmered from a recent dose of lip gloss.

this particular place we were at was supposed to be a gay bar. it has only recently opened, from what i hear. it sits right in the middle of the gay district (more like just a block :-P) of the downtown area. but on this night, there seemed to be as many straight people as there were queers, which made for a fairly eclectic but cheery crowd.

the bartender was still hurriedly making drinks, rushing like mad from one corner of the bar to the other, to fill someone else's order. he had noticed us, though, and given me a nod to signify that he knew i was there and that he'd get to me as soon as he could. but it apparently was still not quite my turn yet. i turned to the girl and gave her a faux exasperated look and a smile. she caught my eye, grinned at me in return, and nodded to show she got my gist. then she leaned in and called out into my ear (the place was pretty loud), "pretty packed tonight, huh?"

"sure is!" i said to her in return, with a mock roll of the eyes. "but it's great! this is my first time here – and i'm liking it so far." oops, i winced inwardly to myself. is that too much of a blatant come-on? i hadn't meant it that way!

but she didn't notice – or maybe she pretended not to. "oh, it's your first time here?" she asked. "i've been here a few times, and it's always like this! people like to come here and drink before they go [across the street to another gay club] for dancing!"

"nice!" i said. "well, i hope i get to have at least a few drinks now" – i nodded my head pointedly in the direction of the bartender – "in case my friends decide to take off and do the same!"

she laughed and said, "me, too!"

there was a pause as we continued to wait at the bar. there was another woman at my back – a very large one, by the feel of her huge breasts at my back, the heat i instantly felt emanating at my back, and the sight of a large arm that thrust past my right side to land on top of the bar. the palm looked thick and fleshy. she tried to press adamantly against me to make room for herself. i gritted my teeth, said, "oh, HELL no!" to myself, and tried to hold my ground. when i held firm, the body at my back stopped trying to wedge itself through, but it still remained pressed up against me. i could feel the contours of both the boobs and the tummy and began snidely thinking malevolent thoughts about the owner of said boobs and tummy.

but thankfully, the girl with whom i was speaking began distracting me from the pushy stranger at my back with some small talk – and i was glad for the chance to converse with her. unfortunately, her breast was no longer pressing at my elbow, but instead, we were now shoulder to shoulder. she was wearing kitten heels, but even if she weren't wearing them and i was not wearing my own heels, i could tell that she would be a bit taller than me, although not by much. and she had a long graceful neck. i had to read her lips in addition to craning my head to try to catch her words since it was so loud, and there was also some pop techno remix playing in the background. but to tell the truth, i did not mind having to look closely at her lips and lean in closely to her in order to converse with her.

"so are you planning to go over to [the gay club across the street] once you get done here?" i simultaneously saw and heard her asking me. our eyes met, and i smiled at her, but i was also smiling inwardly to myself. she was feeling me out, but in a safe way. she didn't know whether i was really queer or not. but it was also kind of an invitation to possibly meet over there and maybe dance. i liked it – it told me she was liking me as much as i was liking her. i felt a familiar tingle of excitement spread in me. i tried to suppress it, though, because i knew, no matter what, i would end up not going down that path. not tonight.

so i gave her a rueful look along with my smile. "i'm not sure. i'm here with a bunch of people." i nodded in the direction of where my friends sat scattered across 2 round tables. i saw one of my friends give me a raised eyebrow. i knew she was asking where her vodka cranberry was. i shrugged helplessly at her to let her know i hadn't had my order taken yet. then i turned back around and continued talking to the girl next to me, letting my eyes linger on hers to let her know that i was interested in going and that i would if i could. "i'll have to see what they end up doing."

finally the bartender came to me. i smiled gratefully at him and gave him my order. the girl next to me then said, "well, my friends and i will be heading there in about an hour. if you do head there, you should come look for us." we smiled at each other, and i promised her i would if we went there. then my drinks came, and i laid some cash on the bar.

i carried the drinks back to the table. my friend took her vodka cranberry and thanked me, then said, "fuck, it took long enough!" i agreed, then sipped my cosmo delicately. it was delicious. it glided down my throat coolly as i swallowed it down, and then i could feel it nestle with a faint, small burst of fire in my tummy.

no one had seen my brief flirtation with the girl at the bar as far as i could tell. and that was fine by me. in fact, i wouldn't mind if they never knew it. because, you see, among perhaps 95% of the people i know, i'm not out. and among this group, i certainly was not out.

it's a double life i lead. there have been a few close calls, but for the most part, i have been successful at keeping the two lives, the two sets of perceptions, separate and distinct.

as soon as i started getting settled back at the table, i instantly came to regret my poor timing. the girls on my side of the table were talking about relationships. their relationships. as in, their straight relationships. actually, they'd been talking about it the whole evening, and i'd manage to deflect all conversation so that i didn't have to talk about my own self.

but after i had sipped my first sip of the cosmo, i knew i was in trouble when one of the girls turned to look at me and gave me a knowing look and smile and said, "your turn. so what's your story?"

"my story?" i coughed for a moment to give myself time to think. "um, what do you mean?"

"i mean, what's your story? you've heard all of ours tonight, so what's up with yours? tell us all the hot secrets about your men!"

i smiled at her and, for a brief second, thought about what i ought to say. "just say it," a ninny voice from the back of my head snapped at me. "say you're gay. what the fuck is wrong with you? just say it!" i ignored the voice. "i don't have a story," i told her. i couldn't help giving her a teasing, knowing smile; i knew i was being mysterious. all my friends think i try too hard to be mysterious.

but if only they knew. if only they truly knew what was at stake. then they'd see i wasn't trying to be mysterious as much as i was just trying to protect myself.

i saw the cutie pass by. she was gingerly carrying three drinks back to her own table. she caught my eye, nodded hello, and smiled as she walked by. i smiled back at her.

another friend who was sitting on my left noticed my exchange with the brunette. "oh, who's that?" she asked me. "friend of yours?"

"no," i said, as i tried not to take a second glance at the girl so that i could enjoy a last glimpse of her retreating away. from where i sat, i had a better view of her halter-top dress, and it looked great on her. as she walked away, i saw that the dress exposed the upper half of her smooth tan back. a part of me was disappointed; it would have been fun to see how far she wanted to take the flirtation. "we were just waiting at the bar together. it took forever! the bartenders were all busy!"

thankfully, my friends didn't read too much into my smiles with the girl. but my one friend didn't forget her original question. "you're so secretive!" she told me exasperatedly, but i could tell she was also kidding with me. "here we are, telling you all your secrets, and you're still holding out on us!"

i merely shrugged at her innocently. "there's really nothing to tell."

(to be continued . . . .)

(well . . . maybe . . . .)