my recent trip to go visit campus and attend the grad school orientation/meet-and-greet illuminated just how hard it would be for me to drop everything that i know right now to move there and start going to school again. and it also highlighted, for me, just how much i love my job.
don't get me wrong. i love academia with a passion that i do not feel for anything else. when i was there at the school, milling with the other grad students – some of them rather nice and decent and others cocky and arrogant as hell – i felt . . . simultaneously confident – yet distant.
when it comes to making decisions, even those that i anticipate making in the days, weeks, months ahead, what i ultimately do is just go with my feelings. my gut instinct. my own impressions. during my visit to grad school, my gut was telling me . . .
. . . i can do this. i can conquer and destroy this program. i can be the pioneer i want to be in my chosen field. all these people will bow to me.
(yes, i really thought all this. aren't i so goddamned conceited? :-T)
there was one cocky son of a bitch i met, though. a really good-looking guy who is new to the program. he hails from texas and speaks with a lazy drawl. he already has a masters degree as well.
i don't know how, but the two of us managed to get stuck together, so we tried to chit-chat.
but seriously, we had nothing in common. i did not want to talk to him any more than he wanted to talk to me. i could see it in his eye that he felt the same. i tend to speak with rapid-fire words; my mind often races far ahead of my mouth, and my mouth tends to want to try to keep up. he spoke in a slow intonation and often had to ask me to repeat myself.
other than him, i also recognized the faces of some of the faculty and a few of the students i had spoke with during my initial visit to the program. i watched them and felt there was a huge gaping chasm separating me from them. i wasn't sure if i belonged.
if/when i become an academian, i do not want to be like the usual type of academian. academians can sometimes get caught up in the world that exists in their classroom or in their own particular theoretical field. i want whatever my livelihood is to be to have real-world implications that extend even further than the classroom i teach in or the particular field of literary thought that i want to conquer. sometimes when i look at academians, i totally admire them, and i also envy them because their minds can process abstract theories and thoughts and creatively delve into them. but there have been times in my educational history when i have listened to or read their stuff – and while i may end up being totally dazzled by their thought processes and presentation of their ideas, i still have ended up wondering, "so fuckin' what?! what's the real-world implication of all this shit? what kind of productive use do these ideas have?" and i often find myself sardonically answering these questions with one word:
"none."
do things happen for a reason? is there a greater purpose behind events, whether that come about due to sheer randomness or purposeful deliberation? am i supposed to know what the hell i want to do with my life right now and be all adult-like and grown up? why is it that i do not know my life's purpose quite yet?
i know i could kick butt as an academian. when i was doing my masters, it took a while for me to really find my groove. but once i did and i got totally comfortable in my chosen fields, i found it exhilarating to read up on other scholars' works and find ways of increasing my understanding and engagement in the field. it is tedious and time-consuming, yes – but – i'm sorry, this is my nerdiness coming through – i found it thrilling just to be able to intellectually feel engaged in all that.
the only thing that is holding me back at this point is . . .
. . . the fact that i'm rather in love with my job.
:-T
it's not so much the job but my co-workers. they seriously are cool peeps! i've already began to make a number of good friends among them. what's interesting is that i just get along with everyone, even the weird peeps that no one really likes. it has gotten to the point that it is noticeable that i am pretty much friends with everyone at this point, and i am now teased for not just being a "social butterfly," but also for having so many bffs.
there is also at least one male co-worker who is interested enough in me that he asked another co-worker to see if i'd be interested in being set up with him. this has happened twice – two different female co-workers asking me if i would be interested in hooking up with so-and-so. one of the girls mentioned a name, the other didn't, so i don't know if it was the same guy . . . . nonetheless, it was totally awkward – or at least i felt all awkward internally. but luckily, when i said, "thanks, but no thanks," the matter was dropped, and it was all just left at that.
but really, how can i not be in love with my co-workers? every day, someone ends up saying something really nice to me. this week alone, i have been complimented several times for being "stylish" (i really do just wear the same boring things over and over – but i mix it up by also throwing on colorful accessories, like beaded jewelry, belts, sashes, cute necklaces, wristbands and bracelets, etc. i swear, this is a result of all my years studying catalogs from jcrew, bebe, urbanoutfitters, anthropologie, and free people!), "easy-going" to the point where everyone loves me, and being the type of person who sees the silver lining behind every cloud.
see? i totally have them fooled. if only they knew i was totally gripy, mean, and crusty behind this mask of cheerfulness.
:-T
besides the people, the job itself is totally fine, too. in fact, more than fine. :) i've totally gotten into the swing of things, and the duties just promise to get even more complex and progressively increase to be at an even higher level – which i find to be a privilege because it just shows that my bosses have quickly come to have faith in me. i already have solid relationships with management that other people at my level and even some of those above me do not have. the job entails me doing things that have real-world implications. like, the things i do require me to help my department show that they are, in good faith, trying to live up to the terms of that major-assed settlement that they entered into to ensure that the state's pr!s0n inm@tes' constitutional rights are not infringed upon during the time of their incarceration.
it would just be so hard to tear myself away from this job just when it was starting to get so good. . . . and promises to get even better.
i'd be a total fool if i left. . . .
and it is the only major thing holding me back.
but there are other things, too.
like, i'm my momma's number one go-to person when she needs help or just wants to talk or just needs company. my leaving would put an end to that. not that we did not go through that before, when i lived in the beehive state. but i'd still feel guilty.
and then there are my grandparents. they're really getting on – although still as spry as ever! the only reason i go to big ol' family gatherings, risking everyone asking me about the bar and the ensuing feelings of shame that may come about, is because of them. i just love them so very much and want to be around for them as much as i can.
and then there is my little pooch, my little baby, my cute lil' chihuahua. i don't think i can uproot her and take her with me . . . . i would have to wait and see, but if i could not be at home and give her all the t.l.c. she needs, then that would just suck. i would want her with me, but i think for at least a semester, i'd have to see how things go and let her live at my momma's house.
thinking about it all, about that decision i have to make . . . it stresses me out more than it probably should. i wish i could just make a decision right now and just get it over with and be able to plan my life accordingly. all this hesitant wishy-washiness that i go through is starting to get annoying even for me. . . .
:-P
but i just need to be patient. i still have a few more months until the year. anything can happen. . . . and i'm sure things will fall into place and i will know my destiny if i just remain patient for a little while longer. . . .
:-T
1 comment:
That's funny, cuz the intellectual stimulation plus the chance to see that your intellectual efforts actually impact the real world is exactly what I like about my law job. I've have other jobs that I enjoyed, done the whole grad school thing, and it's just not the same as when you write a motion or analyze the issues in a case, and eventually see that you did something good, like keeping someone from being put out of their house, because of the work I did. Of course, it sad and disappointing when someone loses despite your best efforts, too, but you can't win everything. That feeling that what I was doing meant zip outside the little world of academia was exactly the reason I wasn't cut out for a career in it.
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