a dream deferred

by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore --
And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over --
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

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i'm off on yet another trip as of tomorrow. :)

but it will be just another short one. i start driving out tomorrow night-ish in the hopes of arriving to my destination by noon-ish on friday. it is no big deal -- i don't even have to go -- but my grad program is having its new grad student orientation friday afternoon with a small dinner party thing at a local mexican restaurant later in the evening.

as i mentioned before, i've deferred admissions for a semester. but i thought it would be good to go to this orientation now anyway and re-visit the city and school and also acquaint myself with some of the students i will/might be seeing regularly starting next year. even though i've deferred, i still am feeling the same ol' butterflies i've felt in my stomach before, every time a new school year or even a new semester started.

i love school.

i love the institution. i love learning new ideas. i love exploring and maybe even defeating old ideas. i love reading and writing. i love interacting with people who are like-minded. i totally miss it all.

the problem is . . . whereas i really liked my job before . . . .

i really love it now.

:-T

i've worked at this office for about four and a half months now. about two months was spent working for the special assistant to the Big Cheese. then i finally got assigned to Big Dude. i realized only after being assigned to Big Dude that i had only been placed under the special assistant only as a way for there to be a kind of placeholder for me until there was actually a formal position set up for me (yes, especially for me!) under Big Dude. i find it a stroke of good fortune that i worked for the special assistant, not only professionally but personally because of the people i got to meet and work with.

but i don't like thinking in terms of that, though. i don't decide to meet people or to like them because of all that political/opportunist bullshit. for instance, because i was able to work with the special assistant, i came to be fast but good friends with another girl my age who happened to have the office adjoining mine. i never actually worked with her on anything, but because of our similar ages, tastes in clothes, opinions, etc., we just totally hit it off -- and already i consider her to be a great, dear friend. she's super cool.

it just so happens that she happens to occupy a pretty high position at the office, though. and so what bugs me is that when people learn that she and i are friends, they say, "oh, how great!" and then add something like, "it's good to have a friend like that!" accompanied with a knowing wink.

it just makes me think:

FUCK THAT.

i like her because i like her. our personalities click. we always have a ball when we hang out. while i respect what she's achieved -- and yes, she's quite accomplished -- none of that really has any bearing on anything about our friendship at all.

so people better not be thinkin' i'm friends with her for any reason other than the fact that i just like her!! seriously, is that so hard to believe??

:-P

and really, i'm confident enough in my own self to know that i have everything i need in me to succeed in whatever the hell i want. i don't need anyone else! i'm insecure about myself in a number of ways -- whether i'm pretty or not, whether i'm skinny or not, whether i'm attractive or not -- but i'm not insecure about what i can achieve based on my own abilities. i don't need money, power, friends in high places, or any of those kinds of shenanigans. it's all me, thank you very much!

god. i sound smug.

:-T

but case in point: something stellar kinda happened at work today.

ever since i started working for Big Dude, i've just been kind of plugging away at trying to get a lot of stuff that's been backed up for a while done. the new york times recently published an article about the main issues currently facing my office, and the sacbee had a really good article out at around the same time as well. a lot of the work i've been doing is kind of the same ol' bureaucratic routine of pushing papers around -- but the reason for having to do it is also totally necessary, obviously, so that we can create an auditable trail.

so i've just been really plugging away at stuff, doing everything i'm asked to do these past couple of months as best i can.

and then i finally get awarded with this statement by Big Dude this afternoon, literally out of nowhere, just before i take off for the day:

i've been noticing in your work that you have really great writing and analytical skills. so what i'm envisioning your role to be is this: you'll be taking up the writing of our [Majorly Big-Assed, All-Important Report!!!!]. we'll take it as slow as you need to and just have you start off writing sections, but in the long-run, i see you being the one reading all the audit reports and writing out the [Majorly Big-Assed, All-Important Report!!!!], and i'll be the one who will just kind of help you along and refine it as we go.

:-D <---------- that's me beaming

now, the idea of reading really dry audit reports and then writing a similarly dry report (which spanned over 100 pages for the last one) not once but four times a year kind of already makes me feel like yawning.

:-T

but it's still pretty huge. it's a doc that goes all the way up the chain of command of the executive and legislature in the state of cah-lee-foh-nya.

so i called my friend -- the one i mentioned at the beginning of this post -- to tell her all about it, and she is super stoked for me. in fact, she totally squealed. "this is huge!" she told me. "congratulations!"

and i was just all, "thanks!"

:)

seriously, i'm at a good spot professionally right now. i'd be a fucking idiot if i just dropped everything . . . .

but at the same time, i see that ph.d. in front of me, as much as it always has been, a proverbial carrot danging before my hungry eyes.

i can't postpone that, either. what does it say when only one program out of eight accepts you?

it says that you're not competitive enough.

i fear that if i postpone it, i'll lose my chance to get my ph.d. completely. plus, i'm 28. ph.d. programs are typically 4 to 8 years long -- although as an over-achieving vietgrrl, i would totally try to make sure i didn't stay in the program for as long as 8. but even if i started next year, already i'm starting the program a little too late -- at least later than i had originally planned for. . . .

i thought deferring admissions for a semester would help me to decide.

but it only seems to have made the whole dilemma even more complicated. . . .

:-T

it's all good. it's only august. i still have a few more months to see how things go on both sides. anything can happen to propel me towards strongly favoring one over the other for good.

there's still quite a ways to go.

:)