that's what friends are for. and stuff

i’m not the person who has any good advice or insight about the bar exam.

obviously. i've failed it every time i tried to take it.

:-T

i’m tired of it. i hate it. i’m done with it. i’m over it.

but of course, i’m still taking it this month.

to tell the truth, and if it is not obvious by my lack of posting about it, i actually have only been studying rather half-heartedly. i try to put the time in, but i have only done, for instance, a fraction of the number of mbe practice questions that i did for the last february exam. some evenings, i don’t study at all – mostly because i’m exhausted from the work-day and don’t want to exert any more energy than i have to before crawling into bed for the evening.

do i know stuff? yeah.

do i feel confident about stuff? no.

but i hope that doesn't discourage first-time takers who happen to read me. yes, i'm totally a pessimist regarding the bar -- but that doesn't mean you should be! it's just me. . . . if you've put the time in to study, and you've seriously put in the effort to see how you've progressed during your study and to improve those areas that need improving, you're in a good spot, and you've increased your own chances of passing exponentially.

hope that helps, anonymous. no te preocupes mucho!! it's natural to stress out, but don't let the stress overwhelm you. when the exam comes, you'll see that the essay questions really are straight-forward, and so long as you keep your answers structured and clear, you'll be fine. keep on practicing a few questions each day from here on out, then just chill the monday before. :)

here at work, everything has been moving at a really brisk pace. i used to at least be able to squeeze some studying in during breaks or lulls in the work-day, but now that i have this new office b.f.f., we have been hanging out a lot when we’re not at our desks working.

i just don’t have that same desire to pass that i had before.

i definitely should have realized this before forking over the dough to take the exam again – and to buy a fucking new laptop, too.

yeah. the new laptop explains why i am now short of funds (again) for the remainder of the month. i had taken my other laptop in to that infernal place from which i will never buy a laptop or warranty again during the early part of june; was reassured that i would at least get a call-back and report on the status of my ‘puter and the repairs that were needed within one week, then two; then because they did not call me at all, i had to start calling them on a daily basis starting at day 10 just to get the status of what the hell was going on with my laptop; and to this day, over a month later, i still have no idea what’s going on with my own ‘puter.

of course, i started pseudo-freaking out about a week and a half ago because i hadn’t downloaded ExamSoft yet and started fearing the possibility that not getting my laptop back in time would require me to start hand-writing my essays at the bar. so i said FUCK IT and got myself a nice little laptop for $ 700, plus a one-year warranty.

i think i am demonstrating my rather impetuous spending habits here. and i am slightly ashamed. but damn me, i at least now have peace of mind that i will at least have a laptop for the exam like i had originally signed up for!

and to this day, that damned, infernal place still has my laptop, and i don’t understand why. the problem (the blue screen of death and replacement of the ram) seems to be fixed. but the nerdy techies don’t speak very good english and tend to like talking fast and slurring their words anyway, so even if they tried to explain to me clearly what the fuck is going on (which they don’t anyway), i still wouldn’t have a clue what the hell they’re talking about.

>:-P

anyhow.

:-T

my new laptop is pretty cool, though. even better than the one i took in for repairs, despite the fact that i bought that one only last year. this new one's got 3 gb ram, 200 gb hard drive, compact 14” screen (i like it smaller). hp model instead of toshiba (i’m finally learning my lesson with toshiba . . . ). hopefully this new one will last me longer than just a frickin’ year!!

O_o

something else that kind of peeves me (okay, not just “kind of” – but peeves me a lot) is the fact that people can be so dismissive about my desire to go back to grad school. i don’t tell very many people as it is about the Decision i have to make by the end of the year. and yet some of the few people i have told just don’t get why anyone would want to go to get a doctorate.

“so you just want to go to school for the rest of your life?!” they ask incredulously. “you want to be a professional student?!”

seriously. those kinds of questions are now on par, in terms of how frickin’ annoyed i get, as the questions, “where are you from? no, where are you really from?” and “what are you?”

>:-|

it’s the sort of reaction that makes me not want to tell anyone anything anymore. you know? like, getting a ph.d. is obviously something that is important to me – otherwise i wouldn’t always talk about it or have applied for programs or be taking the time to really think the Decision through right now. it is a huge thing for me. and so when people are dismissive or insulting, whether intentionally or unintentionally so, i just find it, well, kind of rude. i wouldn’t do that to anyone!

for instance, my new office b.f.f. is 23 and a college drop-out. for her, school is a waste of time; she’d rather spend her days doing something productive than just sit in class and be bored. but she is young, and while she respects me for having more than just a bachelor’s degree, i know she also feels self-conscious for not having a bachelor’s degree herself.

now, i’m the type of person who would relish the chance to gloat over people i think are idiots and can’t stand by rubbing all my degrees in their faces – not for any good reason except for the fact that i can’t stand ‘em and would jump at the chance to rub shit in their faces.

but with my office b.f.f., i empathize with her because school can be a waste of time, and it certainly isn’t for everyone. plus, she has found success in other ways; seriously, there’s more than one way to skin a cat.

so because i like her and have come to be quite fond of her, i just make sure to keep encouraging her and show her all the ways that she has been and is successful. because that’s what friends do. that’s what people who care about your happiness do. they see the good in you and help you see and be aware of and remember your strengths. they don’t ridicule you for how you’ve lived your life up to this point, nor do they make you feel like your dreams and goals are stupid and a waste of time.

it does explain why i have so few friends anymore. i just get so let down and disappointed with how other people are. even if they don’t mean what they say or think about things before saying them, i just like and prefer to be around people who are a bit more conscientious and aware.

it’s not that i want people to kiss my butt (although i wouldn’t mind if they did . . . ). and it’s not that i want people to always agree with me, either (that would certainly be no fun – although if they tell me i am right, every now and then, that’d be awesome . . . ). but i don’t want to be around people who cut me down in those little ways. seriously, i’ve got better things to do than put up with shit like that.

ya know?

yeah, i sound mean. i sound like i’m hard-core mean and bitchy.

it’s just that i don’t want to settle when it comes to people anymore. i don’t want to abide by any flaky, unsupportive, selfish, or moronic people anymore. in the past, what i have done was try to accept and like people as they were – and i found myself getting all cut up and burned because all those negative qualities they had that i had tried to accept ended up getting turned on me.

so forget all that. i try not to do that anymore. i still try to be accepting of people and get to know them on their terms. but once you cut me, i cut you off. period.

well, okay, that’s the goal, anyway. to be meaner, i mean.

after all, as much as i'd like to, i can’t be a happy-go-lucky abbagirl forever. . . .

:-T