the Decider decides

a while ago, i mentioned that i had made a Decision.

a Momentous Decision.

you know. about whether to do Grad School next year or continue on with my job.

but actually, that wasn't completely true. . . .

yes, i made a Decision.

but the Decision was actually a Decision to . . . .

. . . postpone the Decision for a while longer.

:-T

yup. i decided to defer admissions. deferring gives me more time to make the Decision.

:-]

it works out in my favor. i can use the rest of the year to continue to ponder and weigh the merits of continuing to stay on at my job -- or to start my ph.d program this next january.

deferment of admissions only lasts for a semester. so if i didn't start school in january, i pretty much reject that offer of admissions that was extended to me, and i'd have to re-apply again next year if i wanted to be in that program for the 2009-'10 school-year.

it's such a cop-out, isn't it? but it shouldn't be surprising for a cowardly, indecisive person like me. at the same time, my little cop-out decision gives me, at least temporarily, a little breathing room to weigh pros and cons and see what benefits my current job could potentially hold for me in the months to come -- or even years to come, if i decided to stay on.

plus, i must say it doesn't hurt to actually be making dough and not have to stress out about every penny in my possession.

:-T

since the time that i notified my program of my desire to defer, i've vacillated quite a bit in the decision-making process.

on some days, i feel quite certain that i'll be starting school and going to classes again once the new year starts.

on other days, i get glimpses of the great care and guidance that the chain of command at my office has exhibited towards me. like, i seriously am being singled out and groomed and given opportunities that make me fully aware that the powers that be want me there permanently. i get an inordinate amount of pride at this, coupled with my usual self-deprecating sense of modesty, and it also instills me a sense of duty and loyalty. like, hell! the last thing i want to do is bite the hand that has been feeding me.

i know for a fact that they're going out of their way for me. it boggles my mind. like, why me?

in a way, i like it. it's quite flattering. and it makes me want to live up to their every expectation.

but in a way, i think i would have been just as fine at the job i originally applied for but didn't get due to all this shuffling. Big Cheese was impressed with me, based on statements provided by my interviewers after that interview, so he suggested that i be offered the public relations job instead. but you know, i would have been more than content at the other job with its lower profile. drafting out regs, legislative proposals, researching. it's low-key, and the office is actually a crowded space (four or five people stuffed into a working space the size of a typical bedroom). but at least i wouldn't have grown an attachment to the folks at the helm, a sense of obligation.

Decisions. i never was good at making Decisions. a lot of people think that my desire to return to school for my ph.d is so unrealistic. they are in a state of disbelief about it. isn't it better to be making money in a comfortable job, rather than waste a long period of time in school again?

it'll require a huge sacrifice on my part, i know. i can't articulate fully all the reasons why i want my ph.d. i just want it. it represents one of the higher pinnacles of intellectual achievement that one can achieve. studying whatever i want, piecing together ideas, writing about my ideas, presenting them -- and also getting three months off in the summers -- fuck me, but what a way to go!!

people are always aghast when i tell them how much i loved school. but it's not so much that i enjoyed school itself -- rather, it's that i enjoyed what it has always allowed me to do: freely engage my mind in topics i enjoyed, enlighten myself, and be creative with ideas. seriously, that's when i feel the greatness of what it is to be human, to engage my mind and just ponder about the human condition.

if i don't make the Decision to go to grad school, that does not mean i'm closing off that possibility altogether forever and ever. it just means that it will be postponed because the situation at work remains favorable and hopeful enough for me to want to linger on for a while longer and see what happens.

you know that poem by robert frost about two roads diverging in a yellow wood and how the narrator gets seriously engrossed in the dilemma of which way to go?

well, i don't want to have to choose which road to take. i'm actually more than content to find myself a spot right at the fork to sit down on and just marvel that i now have two paths before me from which to choose.

i just wanna be able to enjoy my good fortune that i have these two options, both of which i think i could truly kick ass at.

so i'll be chilling and enjoying mulling the possibilities and the potentialities.

in the meantime, all i can say is . . .

at the very least, i HOPE i'll have come to a decision by at least december . . .

:-T