accepting weaknesses and flaws

for each of the times i took the bar (what am i on now -- like, twenty attempts? :-T), i usually tended to feel at least a tiny bit of moral imperative to study my ass off and try my best -- and i guilt-tripped whenever i felt my discipline slipping out of my grasp.

now . . . ?

i really don't feel any of those things. no moral imperative, no sense of discipline.

i officially don't care anymore.

i distinguish this sentiment from "giving up." i am not "giving up." "giving up" implies a sense of defeat. i do not feel defeated a' tall.

i just don't care.

:)

the moral i take from this entire experience of having perpetually taken the bar and failed it every time is that anything i pursue, from here on out, must mean something to me. i cannot be pursuing things for the sake of other people and their happiness. i must want to do it for myself.

this is exactly what one of the bar review instructors from that bar prep class i took last winter said when he goaded and taunted us repeaters just for sitting there in the class. he told us that if we didn't envision our goals and did not have a clear cut plan for what we wanted to do with our license once we passed the bar exam, then we did not deserve to pass.

i take exception to the word "deserve." but i still understand his point.

it's odd, you know. except for a very few number of people (maybe 2), i haven't told anyone else that i did not pass last february's exam. and yet people know. no one's asked me about it at all.

for instance, at a recent family gathering, none of my relations asked me about it -- whereas they were always quick to ask and talk about it before. of course, it helped that, whenever i felt the conversation was veering too close to the topic of practicing law, etc., i made sure to change the subject.

i hope i'm not contradicting myself. no, i totally no longer care about the bar exam. but no, i also don't want to talk about it.

. . . .

:-T

based on everything i've mentioned here about realizing how important it is to pursue only those things that are meaningful to me, it should be clear-cut as to what i ought to decide in regards to the great Decision, huh?

i think, at heart, i've already decided what i'll do, even if my mind can't quite grasp it at this point.

but that's okay. i still have the summer to enjoy. and i have all the time in the world to think about things.

after next week, there are a gazillion races i want to do. but i'm now interested in looking outside my city for races. i'd like to travel to some random city that i've never visited before in my life -- chicago, st. george, austin, portland -- and just do some random race and hang out as a tourist for the weekend.

hopefully i get a chance to do this at least once before the summer ends.

:)

speaking of, i have to mention that one of my celebrity crushes is uma thurman. she got my attention when i first saw the film henry and june, which is based on diaries maintained by anais nin regarding her relationship with henry miller and his wife as they hung out in paris during the early twentieth century.

the sexiest scene in the film, in my opinion, is when, some time after they meet and develop an attraction for each other, june takes anais to a dingy lesbian bar in the dead of night (through eerie evening fog, to boot) and then leads her onto the dancefloor where they start dancing together slowly with june gazing intently into anais' eyes.

*swooning at the memory of the scene*

to this day, i love uma, and i especially dig her in the kill bill series.

but i especially love her because she's just real (okay, and also because she's gorgeous and statuesque, and because i have a soft spot for hot blond chicks). and so i wasn't very happy when the tabloids started giving her a bad time for this recent picture that was taken by the paparazzi while she was on vacay:

so she's got a tummy. BEE EFF DEE! i still think she's gorgeous, especially because of it! and it actually makes me feel good about my tummy. :)

moral of the story: we've got to embrace our flaws. for me, that means accepting that being a practicing attorney is not in the cards -- and also that it's okay for me to have a tummy. my tummy may not be as cute as uma's -- but hey, if uma can show hers proudly, then i sure can, too.

:)