an agitated rant and a prayer

dude.

i'm really scared.

bar results come out in exactly a week.

i feel like i've waited so long for the results to come out that i just don't care anymore.

conversely, though, i feel like i could stand to postpone knowing the results for, oh, a good ten more years.

i am just so nervous. nervous as hell! fuck!

i know i've talked over and over again about not caring . . . .

and it's true that i've got other plans in the works anyway, so this won't be the end-all and be-all of my existence; i'm not going to go out and kill myself if i don't pass (i think).

but god. at the same time, this is everything, everything, that i have worked hard for.

i talk breezily about how much i hated law school when i was in it, how i didn't like most of the people there.

but i still worked my ass off on it.

and when i studied for the bar, i simultaneously hated how it became the bane of my daily existence, because all i would do, day in and day out, was try to memorize all these damned rules and meticulously write out essay answers.

but i still gave it everything i had.

when something becomes so much a part of you, and you work so damned hard on it, even as you loathe the fuck out of it, no matter what you say, no matter how much you wish otherwise, it still is so very important to you. in fact, it's become you. so despite all my plans, despite all my wishes, despite my other life goals which have nothing to do with practicing law, i want this. i want it so badly. it's something i've dedicated myself to wholeheartedly, even if my heart wasn't in it per se.

i'm sorry. i wish i could not care so much about it.

but how could i not? three years of law school, then two years of trying to put it away and not think about it but having it still lurk over my shoulder, then half a year of my life studying for it, and the huge chunks of money i've paid and still owe on loans that got me through law school and paying for all the review materials and not having a nice steady job for practically this whole year . . . . how could i not want to pass and start practicing? seriously?

godfuckingdammit. so that's why i'm agitated and why i'm not myself. that's why i'm ready to get all shit-faced right now at 8:30 in the morning seven days before the results come out and keep myself in a wasted state until i somehow find the nerve to check the results on the web.

damn it.

but today is my last day of work. i must play it cool today, and then by 4:30 p.m., i can start railing agitatedly in my mind and try to find a way to not get all frickin' crazy this next week.

i brought doughnuts in for my co-workers.

i noticed that other people have brought in stuff, too.

darn it. can't i have my last day be business as usual? i'm only a temp!!

but dang it, unfortunately, they love me. and i think they really will miss me. i hope they don't make me do some damned speech or anything. . . .

*sad, heavy sigh*

ai-ya.

all praise to buddha and the spirits who lived before me and who are now my protectors in this world, please help me find the strength to patiently wait out this next week and to deal with things as they come. and please also help me find the strength to not let my dark thoughts ruin my last day of work here so that i can show my gratitude to my co-workers who have really gone above and beyond for me in every possible way and love me so wholeheartedly. help me be upbeat and happy because i really am grateful to have met them and to have worked among them, and i do not want to ruin a day that they have enthusiastically planned, just for the sake of me.