note to self

why still so intense?

stop being so crusty-minded, if only for tonight.

must not greet the new year with such a . . . sullen, somber, grumpy face.

cheer up.

be happy.

be grateful for the good.

where's my glass of sparkling apple cider?

cheers.

:)

re-weighing and re-evaluating

a couple of evenings ago, when it was time to go home and most of my co-workers had already started trickling out of the building, i stopped over at my boss' office to say a couple of things.

 

namely, i told him that i'd had a change in heart.  i told him that i was not sure i had made the right decision.  i told him that, even after thinking things through and feeling that i had originally given him a right, rational decision, i had felt devastated after i had stated my decision aloud to him.  i said everything in a halting way; it's hard for me to be that honest about certain matters when i know or feel i'm letting someone down.

 

dimples says i give way too much importance to other people's feelings, even to the point of exaggeration.  perhaps that's true . . . either way, though, my boss took the news rather well.  he agreed to give me more time.  he asked whether i felt strongly either way, and i said no – i feel the attraction of both choices pulling at me rather equally, but for different reasons.  he said he could understand my plight.  he said the father in him would tell me to go ahead and go to school, but from a professional stand-point, he'd hate to see me go.

 

basically, that's my dilemma, too: i'm stuck and vacillating between the personal and the professional.  for personal reasons, i want to go, start a new life in a brand new place, and be on my own.  i want to be an academic, learn for the sake of learning, be a pioneer in my chosen field, and not have to feel the pains of cold winter weather seeping down my neck.

 

but i also want to stay here, for professional reasons.  i want to make steady, good money.  i want to go on a cruise to mexico with my mom next month.  i want to be able to continue to go shopping and have no fear about being able to pay my bills and for my rent.  i don't want to leave my dog behind.  i want to be here for my mom and my fam.  i want to continue being able to eat excellent dim sum and viet foods at any restaurant i want.  i want to see what professional rewards await me if i were to stick it out here for a little while longer.

 

it makes total and utter complete sense to stay here.

 

for money reasons and for family reasons.

 

it just makes sense.

 

so why did i feel so devastated before, after the first time i told my boss that i think i wanted to stay here?

 

there is just something internal, i guess, that knows what it wants, and no number of rational reasons can deter or extinguish it.  it knows what it wants.  and no amount of money and no kind of luxurious indulgence is enough to eradicate it or make you forget.

 

maybe the life of a literary academic is not going to pan out.  maybe i'll find that, having worked in the real world the past few years, i need to go back to doing something practical as my livelihood, not something purely theoretical or abstract.  it is a possibility that i have tossed about and bandied in my mind – that once there, i will find that academia is not for me as much as i have thought or that i won't even like living in that other city and state.

 

but shouldn't i at least give it a chance first?

 

this job certainly is one in a million, too, though.  i have kind of been treated like "the Chosen One."  i've managed to develop a fairly good reputation, everyone knows my name, and i keep getting fawned over.  even people who haven't seen my work yet, per se, thinks i'm so stellar and such a super-star.

 

seriously, a girl's head could swell and explode from all this fawning!

 

my eyes are still full of stars when i engage with certain higher-ups.  i have a lot of respect for what they do, who they are, and how passionate they are about not only their own work but also the overall goals of this department.  i give state workers in general a lot of flack, but for certain state workers in particular, i have nothing but admiration and respect.  they really care about the direction and integrity of the department.

 

as for dimples, it used to be the case that i thought i would totally stay here just for her.  but i'm finding that a recent comment by c.w. is right.  regardless of how i feel or felt for her, the feelings are not mutual.  dimples tends to tell me one thing – which is that she can't be in a relationship and that she cannot offer me anything, which, rationally, i understand and know to be true – and yet her actions contradict her words. 

 

even to this day, the physical attraction between us is unbearably heightened.  we only need to share a certain look between us, and it's over for me – i start craving her.  i see on her face, in the intensity of her gaze, that she feels the same way. 

 

but i can't deal with this crap.  i must face facts.  i cannot always be the one going out of my way for her while she passively accepts my efforts without making any such effort herself.  it's not right, it's not fair, and it leaves me perpetually hanging.

i have to stop caring so much. 

but i don't know how to stop.

:-T

nice girls finish last

okay. i am the first to admit: i'm in a real crusty mood lately.

i re-read my post from yesterday; i realize how petulant i sound. my co-worker nymph went out of her way a couple of times to start things new and a-fresh, and i just shot her down both times.

or maybe i am in the right – because it would be hypocritical of me to accept the olive branch she extended while inside feeling as contentious and resentful of her as i do.

i dunno. a part of me feels that it is only right when the outside matches the inside.

and personally, i adhere to the three-strikes law anyway. three strikes, more or less, and you're out. no ifs, ands, or buts. sayonara. have a happy life. i wish you well and hope you eventually learn how to improve your people skills, and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

today is my last day in my downstairs office space. i've mentioned before that the cube area, amidst which my little space resides, in this office is pretty wide and spacious. with the exception of nymph and a few others i personally cannot stand, i'm friends with most of the people here. and i'm going to miss them.

my new office space will actually be a shared office. like, an office with an actual door. i have an office mate, who has already made herself comfortable in the office by unilaterally taking up 65% of the office space and selecting the choice desk spot on the far, inside end of the office.

like, no comment about that.

:-T

my desk is the one that is located closest to the office door. initially, the desk was positioned to be facing the wall adjacent to the door, with my back to my office mate and, correspondingly, my computer screen facing her, too.

i didn't like that.

so what i did was change the position of my desk. i rotated it around so that the desk faced my office mate and so that i could have my back to the wall adjoining the office door. this leaves me vulnerable to having bosses and such walking past the office and potentially seeing me fooling around on the internet or what-not. but hey, the frickin' office mate just stole the choicest real estate without even first trying to consult with me! like, if it were me and i was the first to step in the office and have a look-see, i still would not have tried to steal away the best half of the office nor even take up more than 50% of the office space. i would have waited until i could meet the new office mate and then try to confer and compromise how best to share the space and how to decide who gets which desk.

but i'm learning not everyone is as considerate as me.

take as another example: mario kart on wii.

my über-cool older sister got me mario kart for christmas.

:)

i usually get pretty bored with racing games. but i'm crazy about mario kart! love it!

i played a bit of it last night. i've decided i prefer racing with a car rather than a motor bike, although racing as peaches on her cute little scooter can be pretty fun.

after running through the courses, i decided to try online kart-racing for the first time; it allows you to connect your wii to cyberspace and race against other real, live people.

i did enjoy the experience of online play.

but it also pissed me off.

people are so mean!

when you play by yourself or even with certain other people, it's not about cold, calculated purposeful sabotage. you (or at least i!) don't purposefully try to bump people off course or down ditches or canyons. you keep it civil. it's every man/woman/baby/mushroom/italian/turtle/dragon for him-/her-/itself – but you keep it nice.

the people who play online, though – they're assholes!

i played the first three or four races in a rather naive, nice way until the feelings of affronted anger overwhelmed me – i hate losing, and i kept crossing the finish line with the bottom half of the finishers -- and then i started playing as viciously as some of the other players.

even though the racers all played as characters from marioland, you can see their little miis during the race, hovering over each racer.

and all i could think as i saw each mii was this:

"typical lowlife. snot-eating, geekazoid loser. are you playing from your momma's basement? wtf!"

and i think, it being an online game, it only makes people's mean side show through even more than it otherwise would than if, by some strange random act, those players and i were good-naturedly sitting in my living room playing that shizz.

which only goes to show:

there are just no nice people around anymore.

:-T

civil obedience

it is monday.

it's been five days since nymph and i had our little exchange.

dimples was off for the remainder of the week, after that exchange, last week. today, she said she was surprised nymph and i hadn't made up yet.

to tell the truth, i'm totally over it. no feelings either way.

okay, one feeling: i don't feel like putting out the necessary energy to "make up with" or otherwise talk to nymph.

i did need something from nymph today – paperwork for my boss. so when she went on break, i left a note on her chair. when she got back from break, she got the paperwork first thing, then brought it to me, saying cheerfully, "here you go!" i took it from her and thanked her shortly without looking at her.

later, we both were walking in the same aisle towards each other. "excuse me," she said. i nodded at her curtly.

in short, i am being a cold assed bitch to her today. but i don't really give a fuck. i've given her way too many chances and have continued being nice to her even when i felt like ripping her head off.

a part of me wishes that, when we had that little exchange last week and she said that thing to me, i had given in to the inclination to snarl at her, with a dirty, vicious glare on my face, "eat shit, you spoiled-assed cunt."

but i guess it's better not to have said anything contentious like that.

just for the sake of being civil and all.

:-T

happy festivus!

the last straw

nymph and i have been hot and cold this past week or so, each skating on thin ice with the other. as a result, our interactions have been very careful. i may say something that slightly bothers or annoys her, but i can see her swallow down the feelings before she changes the subject to safer ground. or if she says or does something that i find completely obnoxious, i will take a deep breath, try not to let the annoyance be apparent on my face, and try to change the subject to something safer.

yesterday came the second-to-last straw.

she, dimples, and i were taking our afternoon break together and walking around through the neighborhood surrounding our building. it was cold, and so we all had our wool jackets on.

dimples had something on her mind she wanted to talk about; she is a passionate and emotional person, and she was feeling compelled to talk the stuff on her mind all out.

throughout the diatribe, she impressed upon us the need to keep the matter a secret. "you guys cannot tell anyone about this!" she said every now and then, vehemently. we each agreed. the more dimples discussed the issue, the more i commiserated; the issue was something that unfairly impacted another co-worker, someone i really genuinely like and respect. so at one point, i said, "dude. if i were [that co-worker], i would totally want to know about this." but of course, i did not say that i would personally be the one to tell the person. just that if i were her, this sort of thing is something i would want to know about, just to be better informed about the particular situation that co-worker was currently but unknowingly facing.

but nymph started in on me. the first time she told me that i had better not tell, i totally ignored her and physically shut her out by turning my head and curving my body away from her. the second time she told me that same thing, i took a deep, impatient sigh but said nothing. but the third time she reiterated that i had "better not tell! that will only get dimples in trouble –", i cut her off completely and snapped, "i know, nymph! i think i understand the situation!" and i gave her a glare.

that shut her up, and she was subdued for the rest of the conversation. later, i understand that after we went back to work, she whispered to dimples, "i think abbagirl is mad at me!" but dimples told her not to worry about it. i later told dimples that i felt bad about snapping at nymph, but at the same time, nymph kept getting on my nerves and was so damned annoying.

i then asked, "should i apologize to her?" dimples said "no. don't pursue it. let it go." and so i did. and by the end of yesterday, nymph and i were on speaking terms again, but we were both cautious, and speaking for my own self, i can say that it was definitely a little forced.

this morning, it was the same – semi-friendly, forced at some times, but overall totally civil.

i thought i could make it. nymph is working at this office only until the end of this pay-period, this coming monday or tuesday. and so i thought i could make it and remain friendly until her very last day. hell, i have even contributed to her going-away gift.

and then today happened. nymph, dimples, and i went on an excursion during our lunch hour. things were fine along the way to our destination. but the return journey changed things.

i brought up a topic that i find interesting: true socialism versus true capitalism.

yesterday evening, i saw on the local news that a group of homeless people had organized a rally and had protested in front of the capitol earlier during the day. the protestors were advocating for a piece of property upon which they could all congregate, put up tents, and sleep. so to get conversation going, i asked nymph and dimples what they thought of the proposition; first, did they agree with the proposition? and if so, whose land should be used to accommodate this living situation?

i already had strong opinions on the matter. i'm all for the idea of allowing the people the right to commune and set up their own enclaves and stuff. but do i think that the government should be the one to accommodate the homeless and set up a commune on state property to allow the homeless to squat on it?

no.

it's not the government's job to take care of people. and so i said as much.

i'm all for private charities engaging in the business of providing services to the needy, such as the poor, the homeless, the sick, the elderly, the children. but do i want my tax dollars to go towards setting up shop for the homeless, when i can barely cover my own costs?

uh. no.

nymph and dimples disagreed with me and said they thought it would be a great idea. they are of the general opinion that there are those who can't take care of themselves and that, as a result, government should step in and take care of those people.

so far, so good. a friendly little debate.

then i said, "but we live in capitalistic society. and in a true capitalist society, which is competitive in nature, there are just always going to be people at the bottom who won't have anything."

i think i said it pretty much like that. and i am an academic. i said it in an academic tone.

but nymph then said sullenly, "then i wish you would be at the bottom so that you can see what it's like."

/:-\

i thought that totally crossed the line.

it was the last straw.

she took a discussion that was political and academic on my part and turned it into something personal.

the last fucking straw.

there were a million things i wanted to snap at her. i wanted to tell her that i've been there at the bottom. i've been the poor starving student, surviving off ramen noodles, and anxious about making the next month's rent. i come from a family of refugees, whose beginnings in this country, after reaching american waters and being rescued by a u.s. naval ship, involved private charity from a local sacramento church. my family knows what it's like scrimping and saving and funneling their desire for something better into action to mobilize themselves from the lowest of the socio-economic ladder to modest success in middle-class america.

at the same time, i understand her point of view. she has told us before that her dad is unemployed and that her mom has to work extra hard to be able to make all their bills. and no, i don't think the government should help him out, either. call it the confucist in me, but i think families should take care of each other; if not families, then private charities. but government?

theoretically, academically, personally – no.

and by her own admission, her dad is a stubborn kind of guy who has been pretty particular about the kinds of jobs he wishes to go for. so do i think he should receive government aid? i guess -- but only if he has exercised every possible avenue and has attempted to apply for jobs that he is even remotely qualified for.

-----------------------------------

i've had some time to cool down since i left off on this post.

the bosses let everyone go home early, so we were all out of the building by about 2:20 p.m. dimples and nymph walked out together, and since i didn't want to be anywhere around nymph, i hung back a little.

"are you comin', abbagirl?" dimples called out to me.

i saw her standing by the exit door with nymph. "no, you go on ahead!" i said to her, ignoring nymph completely. "but happy holidays!"

i left the building only a few seconds after them. they were still walking to their cars and talking with each other. it pissed me off; it pissed me off to see dimples talking to her. i felt betrayed. i got into my car and roared out of the parking lot past them.

but i calmed down enough to call dimples a few minutes later. i knew it was unfair and childish of me to feel betrayed.

we talked about the matter. she was totally reasonable and understanding about how pissed i was. "but," she said, "you have to understand it from our point of view. you've never been poor."

"what?" i said. i didn't think i heard her right.

"you've never been poor," she said emphatically.

and then i let loose on her. "i've never been poor? i've been a starving student living on financial aid in law school and grad school. there were times when i didn't even know if i couldn't make the next month's rent!"

"that doesn't count," she said.

"and," i continued, pretending not to hear her, but hurt by that statement, "i come from a family of fucking refugees. my parents had nothing when they came here. i grew up wearing fucking hand-me-downs and didn't have toys, and my parents had to fucking work two damned jobs just to get by. my mom's family had to live off charity when they first got here -- they had nothing.

that's where i come from. and that's why i still believe what i believe -- that people can help themselves and improve themselves without help from the government!" i was yelling in the phone, my voice breaking with emotion. "i refuse to be ashamed of what i've accomplished thus far and where i'm at now!"

dimples calmed me down and continued being patient with me. "okay," she said. "no one says that at all. but you have to admit -- you were sounding so obnoxious. you were saying, across the board, the government shouldn't help the poor. and i just don't agree with that. our system is not perfect, and yes, there are people on welfare who don't deserve or need those benefits -- but there are others who do need that help in the most desperate way."

she was right. and so i gave an empty laugh. "i still kind of disagree but see your point. but see? why can't nymph debate and disagree with me like that? see? we can disagree but still be cool with each other!"

she laughed, too. but she said, "you know, you just gotta see it from her point of view. she has to send money home to her parents every month. and her parents aren't doing well -- not as well as yours and mine."

okay, okay. fine.

:-T

damn it. and now, i feel all worn out. still emotional and pissed and stuff. but also worn out.

whatev.

happy holidays and all.

:-T

lost, befuddled, bemused

yesterday afternoon, right at about the time to get ready to go home, my boss called me into his office.  he wanted to catch up on the events of last week to see what he had missed during his absence.  i gave him a short 4-1-1, omitting only the fact that last week had ended up getting me frazzled and super-stressed out.  but he seemed to understand anyway that i had felt a bit overwhelmed and didn't push the issue.

 

then he asked me point-blank, "have you made a decision yet?"

 

"yes," i answered.  and i had.

 

i had taken into consideration everything.  i was reasonable and practical about the situation.  i thought about every single possible pro and con available, and i assessed everything to its very last logical conclusion.  yes, i had decided.

 

"i think," i told him slowly, "that i'm going to stay."

 

my boss sat back in his chair, obviously relieved, and his face took on a smug tint. 

 

i continued quickly.  "but i was going to talk to you about taking time off in january.  i'd like to go visit the people in my program and tell them in person."

 

"i can live with that," said my boss amiably.

 

then he dropped the subject as quickly as he had brought it up, as if by continuing to talk about it, i would change my mind.  we went back to talking about business as usual.

 

however, i started feeling unsettled.  i felt queasy.  i felt the pain in my heart and knew it was protesting the decision.  i ignored these feelings until i could escape my boss' office, which was not long thereafter.

 

what was wrong with me?  i thought i had made a decision – and not only that, but i thought i had been fine with it.

 

so . . . then why did i feel so devastated?

 

i think i would feel this way regardless of what i ultimately decided to do.  if i chose to go away to school, i would feel heartbroken at leaving all my friends behind and the possibility that i'd turned my back on a real power-career opportunity.  and i'd feel guilty for going so far away from my mom, with whom, of my sisters and me, i am the closest.

 

but if i chose career, the possibility of pursuing the golden ticket, i'd feel as i do now – that this was my one real chance to go to school and pursue the first love i've ever had for any one thing, literature.  i'd feel that i was succumbing, once again, to the pressures of other people and sacrificing my desires for their needs.  i'd feel that reason was winning out, once more, over passion.  and that is why it has left me feeling this . . . depleted.  this . . . devastated.

 

what am i doing?

 

i really don't know.

 

i'm totally, totally lost.

 

:-T

the golden ticket

what do you do when you have the proverbial golden ticket dancing right before your eyes?

do you reach out and grab it, clenching it tightly in your fist while your eyes gaze yonder at the possible good fortune you know is imminently coming your way?

or do you see it for what it is, a shiny piece of tin foil that has no beneficent, magical properties and operates as a false prophet, a teller of lies and falsehoods?

it's hard to know what it is -- until you decide whether or not to use it. until you do so, it remains an object of ambiguous significance.

i think i have a golden ticket.

no. scratch that. i think i have the potential to get the golden ticket.

:-T

this has been probably the most difficult week i've encountered in a long time. i feel overwrought, over-extended, over-used. i now feel completely and totally drained.

there is an episode of the l word, season 3, that comes to mind. it is a scene in which shane, apprehensive of her developing feelings for carmen and feeling like she is incapable and unworthy of being loved, goes to confession. she tells the priest in the confessional booth that she feels that everyone she meets always ends up wanting something from her -- in her case, sex -- and that she feels that she has nothing left to give.

i have felt like that this whole week. i have felt completely used, unappreciated, and drained. and it left me feeling ill-tempered, cantankerous, and broody.

i have episodes like this every now and then. usually, i feel quite capable of being the doer, the giver. but then, it always ends up getting to the point where i realize i can't do it anymore. that i don't want to do it anymore. and i end up feeling a sense of disequilibrium from the fact that, while i have had no hesitations about giving my all to someone, that person just does not and would not do the same for me.

for me, this time around, work is the culprit. this job of mine.

my boss adores me. he's been kissing my butt a lot lately, giving me lots of heartfelt compliments and making good-natured, teasing compliments that really make me feel great. i feel appreciated. now, he's always been complimentary to me and has generally tended to give me great feedback and encouragement at least once a week since i've started working for him. at the same time, i know he's kicked up the compliments a notch to kiss my butt; he knows about this decision i have to make about whether to stay in california or go away to grad school, and while he's been supportive in every possible way, he's made no secret of the fact that he wants me to stay.

it's not his fault per se, but as much as i love my boss, the work load is getting heavier for me. my boss himself occupies a unique position; he is in the know about everything, and how he manages to stay on top of the game and keep tabs on everything he's expected to know about is beyond me. he has insulated me really well thus far from all the heavy, finite details of his job. basically, for the past six months, you could say that i'm just a sort of "special assistant." i do whatever he asks of me -- creating excel spreadsheets, generating reports, creating databases. i'm just great at taking orders -- a "yes" person.

and there is just a great symbiotic relationship between me and my boss. our personalities mesh. i protect him, and he protects me. i know that whe he gets in his moods, he needs space. we find each other's sense of humor totally hilarious.

but things are changing at the office. this week, the dramatic changes were practically overwhelming. and i felt kind of lost and powerless.

my boss was on vacation for the latter half of this past week. as a result, i was asked to sit in on some meetings on his behalf. i think i handled myself passingly well -- but i could've done better. but it was just . . . kinda trippy that all of these other powerful, high-statused people expected me to be my boss -- or at least have the same kind of knowledge he does. but i don't.

so that stressed me out. i was frazzled for most of the week. i can be me, but i can't be my boss and myself during his absence. i surely am not paid enough for that!

and having that incident with nymph earlier this week compounded and heightened my sense of harriedness. she was acting all cold with me yesterday, speaking with me only when necessary. and when i, in turn, would ask her questions or whatever, she would cut me off or ignore me. and that just pissed me off.

and there was just so much other shit going on. it would take too long to list everything that happened this week that got under my skin, rankled me, and unnerved me.

my savior this week has actually been dimples. she seriously is great.

i cannot put into words what exactly this relationship i have with her is. i just know that it is what it is.

she and i had sex that day before thanksgiving. and ever since, we've mostly pretended it didn't happen.

but while it remains not talked about it, we haven't made any attempts to deny that it happened. we have engaged with each other like the close friends we are. we just don't talk about it. we don't remember it. our eyes may speak volumes to each other in ways that others don't realize. she always seems to be looking at my mouth, and i can't help but stare and get lost in her dark, virtually black eyes. and yet nothing more has happened since then.

nonetheless, she's been there for me. yesterday, after work, i had a major melt-down. while driving home, i tried to call her, but she didn't pick up her cell. but twenty minutes later, she called back. it was great to hear her voice. i tried to be cool and nonchalant and just engage in small talk. but she knew that i was not doing well. "i could see from your face today that you were stressed out," she said. "i don't think anyone else knew, but i could tell." and that's when i started bawling a little.

she was a great listener. and she had some passionate opinions on everything. it was great to hear that fire in her voice on my behalf. she built me back up with her words, basically stating that 1.) i should stop being so nice to people and bending over backwards to do everything for everyone; and 2.) that all the people who are making me over-extend myself are a bunch of callous assholes who aren't as loyal to me as i am to them. based on these, she said, she thinks i should just quit and go to school and fuck 'em all.

see? she's great. :)

and today, at work, she was just so considerate. she brought in a vanilla soy latte, my favorite, from starbuck's, and then later bought me some food from carl's, jr.

this was so meaningful to me because i get solace from food. my mom knows that any time i'm ill-tempered or sad, the best way to cure my mood is to get me my favorite foods. and it's just a fact that, in my family, the giving and receiving of food holds pretty significant meaning; it's much more than the giving and receiving of food -- it's the giving and receiving of love, affection, and caring.

i think that's why i generally find it hard to let other people treat me at a restaurant. i am usually the one who insists upon and wins when it comes to paying the bill at restaurants and bars. i prefer to give than to receive, period. it takes a lot for me to be okay with being on the receiving end of someone's kindness. so today, for me, accepting the coffee, then the food from dimples was a huge thing for me -- and both she and i knew it.

i don't know how this bodes for us, her and i. i have learned not to have any expectations of her whatsoever. despite that, there remains a connection between us. a vibe. an intangible tether that keeps me attuned with her and her with me. i really don't know what will happen . . . . it's like words don't even matter anymore. she and i may say certain things, such as "we can't be together right now," but the words don't change the essential nature of our relationship.

but back to the golden ticket. that's what i wanted to write about -- not about dimples.

the golden ticket made its appearance today, fittingly at the end of what has been a horrible, shit-tastic week.

essentially, the golden ticket is mine -- if i stay here in california, in this job.

i've known that most of my higher-ups generally tend to like me. but i'd thought i ruined it by being a poor substitute for my boss while he's been on vacation; i just don't have the same knowledge or expertise that he does.

nonetheless, today i learned that even more higher-ups love me and that if i continue to do my job, keep my nose to the grind, and help bring success to my department, i will get a golden ticket to a comparably high-level, lofty career myself.

what a way to cap off the week.