turning a new leaf

it gets really old and trite having to witness firsthand someone's mad, self-indulgent manic depressive state.

so i've decided to turn a new leaf, just for tonight. i myself am in need of some optimism.

i can't wait for next month. i'll still be working my second job because, other than the body aches and my inability to sleep, i have nothing against working there. i enjoy it. i enjoy my co-workers. i already have a grasp on how to do my job and do it well. no reason at all -- at least not yet -- to even want to leave. but in addition, next month, i will also have my half of the deposit for the house i rented with dimples back. i hope it'll be all of the deposit, but i am prepared for the possibility of getting maybe 60% of it.

that means money. maybe even enough to last me through a whole month. maybe even with enough to indulge in extravagant shopping sprees. i would like new clothes. i haven't bought myself new work clothes in a while. i don't feel as stylish as i used to. everything is rather old and worn. i've also been losing weight, so i don't fit in my clothes as well as i used to.

isn't that funny? i've always wanted to be a little leaner, a little trimmer. but with stress and anxiety wreaking havoc on my appetite, my frame, though, leaner, is not in a healthy state. my size 2 clothes just hang on me. i have a pair of trousers that, if i'm not careful, will find its way to sag down low on my butt. my butt itself, which i thought was practically non-existent before, now disappears into the loose sag of my pants.

it's not that i can't afford to eat. although that has sometimes been the case, at the tail end of each month. it's just that even when i should eat, i have absolutely no appetite. and i don't want any food in me whatsoever.

but next month, all this is going to change. i'm going to get healthy, and i'm going to stay healthy. for all the right reasons. for me. i will be able to dedicate all of my financial resources to my needs and my needs alone. i will eat and be merry and live in the moment. i am going to join a yoga class and become a devout student. i am going to write more and not be afraid to put my thoughts into words. i will spend more time with my family. i will cut out all extraneous, unnecessary stresses and only do things that are good for me and what i want to do.

i need to start living for me again. and i will stop clinging to false illusions and false refuges.