contemplatingly

monday night.

i have spent the whole weekend lying low, mostly by myself.

this is what happens when you've pushed everyone away from you. this is what happens when you end up having so many secrets that you tend to ostracize yourself away from others, so that there is no risk of slipping up and betraying any inkling of any of those closely held secrets.

the biggest secrets that i am talking of are the fact that i am gay. and also that i have been in a really bad relationship with that one girl for quite some time now.

there are other secrets that i have, too. secrets that pain me or otherwise resurrect all sorts of strong feelings in me. i guess i tend to hide a lot of things, even those that other people would not even think to hide but would perhaps take for granted as a given or even take pride in.

not me. i don't know why i am this way with certain things. i just like to hoard these secrets. by not sharing them, they remain mine. they remain safe. they remain protected until or unless i slip up accidentally or throw caution to the wind and share confidences.

the secrets sometimes end up eating at me, though. and when combined with other extenuating, dramatic factors, it often ends up leaving me feeling frustrated, powerless, and drained, and things end up feeling so much more worse than they would be under normal circumstances.

in any case, this has been a really great, unproductive extended weekend. i used the time to try and get my sanity back. for the most part, it's been good. but the repercussions of me seeking this alone time remain unseen. i'll know more about what the repercussion are.

. . . .

okay. i just got a phone call. and now i have an inkling about what the repercussions might be. and i have to work on not letting it faze me too much.

but i have to keep in mind a few things so that i don't lose sight of what's good for me and what the true definition of friendship entails. i need to do what's right for me. no one else is going to do that for me, least of all the person i had placed my full faith in to have my best interests at heart.