heavy

i'm a little on pins and needles right now.

after that crazy evening i had with dimples on friday, i spent saturday recuperating. during the morning hours, i was pissed at her. i told myself that it was good riddance and that i did not want to see her again and that i'd be damned if i ever tried to contact her again at all.

but when the hang-over finally receded somewhat, i grew to be embarrassed by it all, by my conduct, my drunken words from the night before. so i texted her a short apology.

yeah, i did. i know. . . .

she didn't respond at all yesterday. i ended up unsure whether she'd even received it; her phone's been acting funky lately. but i had done what i had to do -- i had released my contrition out into the universe, and the universe responded with nothing but silence. it kind of upset me and hurt my feelings a bit. but i accepted that silence.

then today she called me. she called while i was sitting in a movie theater, watching watchmen. the movie was already mostly over, the climax had already occurred, and the diminution and resolution of the story was taking place. my phone was on vibrate, and as it vibrated in quick pulses, i knew, even before taking the phone out of my pocket and looking at the caller ID that it was her (yeah, i even gave her a unique vibration on my cell).

i didn't want to leave the theater to take the call, plus there would be no privacy. so i waited until i got home to call back. throughout the ride home, my mind ran over all the possibilities of what she would talk about. that's all her voice message said -- that if i had a few minutes to talk, give her a call; she would like to talk to me. period. that's all. her tone was rather serious.

as soon as i got back home, i finally got a chance to return her call, but i know she's working her weekend job right now, so i only left a short voice message myself.

and now i'm just waiting. . . . waiting to hear back from her.

the suspense is overwhelming me. i'm hella tired right now -- still recovering from our outing friday night. but the only thing to do is take deep breaths, busy myself as i wait for her to call back, which i'm sure she'll do when she next gets a break, and just listen to what she has to say.

i think i already know what will be said. it's been said before. i won't fight it. because i know it's the right thing to do. otherwise, this drama will happen time and time again.

on one hand, i'm hoping that we can find a way around it. she is a special person, and i know it'll be hard for me to not be around her anymore.

but at the same time, it feels like even just a friendship with her is already doomed. we've tried that, and it has never worked.

i don't want to say goodbye. i don't want to not hear from her anymore. she's a crazy cat. she cracks me up. she's super cool.

and yet at the same time, in her "principled" view, i am not worth very much. i'm "weak," "naive," easily manipulated. i don't stand up for myself. i let myself be compromised by others who take advantage of me.

in her view, a good person, a person she can respect, would never let anyone manipulate or use her. such a person would stand up for herself and fight back, not remain weak and reticent.

i guess it depends on how you view it. i mean, obviously, there are other qualities in me that she likes and appreciates; otherwise, i don't see how we could have remained friends for this long. but i've noticed her patience with me running out the longer we know each other.

am i weak? am i naive? i guess it depends on how you look at it. from my perspective, i'm only playing the game. i've been working for the state long enough to have been jaded by all the bureaucratic, buddy-buddy bull shit i've seen. so you know what i just do? i just keep my nose to the grind and do whatever it is that i'm told to do. the bottom line for me, just as it is for any other joe schmo, is just to be hard-working and reliable enough so that people will want to promote you.

i can understand where she's coming from. the work and its atmosphere is draining her. it's a good ol' boys club all the way. and she's seen so much shit happen that it's totally made her disgusted with how things go. she's passionate, and when she sees fucked up things happen, she can't just gloss over them and pretend they never happened. it's not in her nature; she's too honest for that. and for her to see me so reticent when stuff happens, well, it makes her respect me even less with each passing day.

i try to make her see my point, but it is pointless. we have gotten into heated arguments about it, and the discussion always ends up with her throwing barbs at me as to my character. it seriously cuts me down. . . . like, i know she's right in some respects, but man, when we get into those kinds of arguments, she does fight dirty. and it hurts my feelings. it makes me wonder if she even wants to be friends anymore. . . .

i think that's why i just cannot get over her so quickly, as i know i should and as i want to. when you know you don't measure up to the standards of someone you care about, your instinct is to try to keep pushing until you finally do cross the finish line and show that you are a better person than the other person ever gave you credit for. and now, it's gotten to that point where i just need for her to give her approval. . . .

and it sucks, 'cause i know better. i don't need her approval. i don't live by her standards anymore than she lives by mine. just because her standards are different and she feels so passionately about them do not mean they're better than mine. it might be totally a cultural thing. like, it's the asian way to just kind of bite back on emotion, remain stoic, and continue to keep your eyes downcast. her way is to be passionate and vocal about things and not anyone disrespect her.

she knows it's a cultural thing, too. and that's why she has kept saying, "this -- you and me -- will never work."

i know she's right. my LORD, i know she's right. i don't want to be with someone who keeps cutting me down, who doesn't respect me, who can't forgive my flaws as much as accept my strengths.

i guess we got way too close way too soon. based on her short voice message today, it sounds like she's done with the drama, this mess of ours, this circular crap that we keep running through, time and time again.

and i'm drained by it, too. saddened, but still drained.

i'm not sure when i should expect her call. probably within the next 90 minutes or so.

i'll try to sit tight, be patient, and not have any high expectations of how the discussion will go.