wanting to run away

i am embarrassed to admit this, but the dimples saga has a continuation story.

do you want to read about it?

more importantly, do i want to write about it?

it's embarrassing. like, even if i wanted to write about it right now, i have no words.

all i know is that everything is all my fault. i keep drawing it all out until the saga itself has nowhere to go.

i don't know what makes her so different and so unique from other girls. i don't know why she of all people ended up being the one with the ability to make me so happy and yet so completely miserable at the same time. there is just no possible good ending that can occur with her. . . .

maybe i just need a change . . . . something to jolt me out of this monotony . . . . something that reminds me that life is so much bigger than what it has seemed lately. . . . life isn't about the work i do and am involved in, and it isn't about her. and i just need to do something or have something happen that changes and skews my perspective.

she really knows how to push my buttons, though. i can't tell whether the things she sometimes says to me should be read as the straight-out truth or whether she says them to keep playing around with me.

i'm thinking i need to move after all. . . . leave my job, leave the state, and go make a new start in a whole, other state like i had been planning to do, while contemplating grad school.

i know running away never solves anything. but i think the distance would do me good. . . .

either way, in the end, i have no one to blame but myself.

wtf.

i'm such a shithead.