the night that changed everything

i didn't like her the first time i met her.

i didn't like her the second time i met her, either.

in fact, i couldn't really stand her. it was a good number of months before i even thought she was worth getting to know at all.

she was just too pretty. too put-together. too pedantic. she had these long, lithe legs, like a gazelle. all the guys drooled over her. her skin was, of course, always fantastically and most impeccably tan -- not ruddy, not splotchy, but just wonderfully tan. she had shoulder-length dark blond hair, and she often wore cute trendy glasses that perched on the end of her pert, up-turned nose. it gave her a chic but no-nonsense, smart look, one that suited her very well.

and smart she was. which is why i initially didn't like her. i seriously never knew what the hell she was talking about. i, who had taken at least a couple of advanced literary theory courses which were full of dense and convoluted abstractions, who had struggled through the writings of the likes of kant and foucault until i was blue in the face, had to mull an extra twenty or thirty seconds over whatever she said in class just to understand what her point was. and then i'd get irritated because it would've been easier if she had just chosen more direct, more concise words instead of trying to sound like she was trying to create a new branch of structuralist thought.

i just hated the nerdy, obtuse types.

i think the feeling was mutual. i rarely talked in class, so i don't think she ever gave me much regard. so we tended to keep our distance from each other for at least a semester or so.

eventually, though, the ice did thaw. she came to class one day wearing a spectacular pair of trousers that hugged her trim waist and accentuated her slim legs, and i couldn't help but exclaim to her about them. "you look great! those pants are amazing! where did you get them?" she grinned at me, told me, "anthropologie," and said that she loved my sense of style, too. this began a dialogue that encompassed a discussion of our favorite designer jeans and places to shop.

thus was born our friendship. we began going to the same parties. she had a great sense of style and always looked fabulous, and she'd often leave her glasses at home when she went out at night. we would gush at each other over each other's clothes, and the admiring look i saw in her eyes as she looked me over i merely attributed to an appreciation for the garments i wore. we became friends. not close friends, but we did have a genuine liking for one another and learned quite a bit about each other. she learned how riled up i could get on issues relating to race, particularly those related to asian-americans, and how much of an influence my family wielded on me, sometimes unnaturally so. i learned that she was a serious practitioner of yoga, that she used to model, that she had a sister with a mental disability, and that she had a mormon past.

then one night, we were at a party at someone's house. a group of friends had dragged me to the center of the living room where we started dancing all together to some funky beat. i had my eye on this cute, dark haired guy who i kinda liked. we played on the same intramural soccer team together, but i had never really talked to him before. i was hoping that would change that night. i knew i looked great. i wore a light camisole, a white skirt, and a pair of wedge sandals that i had just bought earlier that day for the party. it was now all just a matter of hunting my prey down.

meanwhile, out of the corner of my eye, i saw my friend out of the corner of my eye. she always looked fantastic, and this night was no exception. she wore all black -- a black sleeveless top, short black skirt. her feet were bare -- i supposed she'd kicked off her shoes some time ago already. as i watched her, she began kissing the girl she was talking to. maybe i was drunk, maybe i already suspected that she liked girls, but somehow, i still was not surprised by the sight. i put it out of my mind as quickly as i noticed it.

through the course of the night, i got pretty buzzed. not drunk, just buzzed. the dancing had been fun and had helped to make me feel flushed. the guy who i'd wanted to corner had been more than game to come out onto the dark patio with me. but the he ruined the moment by murmuring something inconsiderate that i found i didn't like. we ended up going back into the house. i left him soon after we entered. i made myself a quickie cocktail, then went over to find myself a corner on the sofa where a bunch of people were sitting, resting, talking smack about professors or about marxism or derrida or whatever. i joined into the conversation.

my friend had been talking in the corner of the room with some other girl, a different girl than the one i had seen her kissing earlier. actually by that time, i had seen her kissing quite a few other girls. i was quite impressed. she was obviously in a pretty amorous mood that night, and given how pretty she was, i could see why no girl had said no to her advances. she noticed me glancing at her. our eyes held each other for a brief second, then giving me a pointed look, she smiled at me, said something to the girl she was talking to, and started walking over to me.

as she walked over to me, i could not take my eyes off her. her eyes glittered at me. i knew what was going to happen and smiled invitingly at her. i thought, "why the hell not?" she was an equal opportunist. i was actually quite pleased. flattered. i had never kissed a girl in my life. but i saw no reason why i never, ever should give it a shot -- especially if that girl was her.

she ignored the other people who were talking around me and came right up and straddled my lap delicately. her skirt rode up a bit but didn't rise any higher than the lower part of her thighs. i instinctively rested my hands above her knees. her weight was light on me. she cupped my head gently in her two hands and brought her lips to my left ear, brushing them against me, causing delightful shivers to vibrate through me.

"you look amazing tonight," she whispered into my ear, her breath warming me, tickling me.

i smiled pleased. she brought her head back around to look at me, still cradling my head in her hands. her hands were cool and confident on me. i looked into her eyes. they were a startling slate blue. i had never seen her eyes up close like that before, without her glasses. i opened my mouth to tell her the same thing. i wanted to compliment her, tell her she looked fantastic, too, and beautiful. but before i could, she had brought her lips to touch mine.

i did not expect it. i did not expect her lips to be so soft and delicate. i did not expect to feel that kick in my stomach. my heart began racing excitedly, and my mind was astounded. i could not think, except to realize just how amazing it was to be kissing her. her mouth was small, warm, tender -- her lips nipped, sucked, played with mine softly. i tasted vestiges of the red wine she'd been drinking through the night. we kissed some more, her hands stroking my neck, my hands sliding up her slight back. i remember marveling at how soft her flesh was. she was so slim and delicate from her yoga that i expected her body to be nothing but hard bone and toughness. but she was softer than i expected, and i could not stop my fingers from dancing and flitting over her body. . . . .

through it all, my mind was racing. no coherent thought could form in my mind. i was awash with different sensations, both physical and emotional. i was not supposed to do this -- but i was. i was not supposed to like it -- but i did. i did not know what to do -- so i just did what came naturally. when my lips left hers to skim across her cheek and down her neck, she let me and hugged me close.

this was the night that changed my life.